31/03/2025
In a world where slaps become "passion," controlling behavior is labeled as "protection," and jealousy is celebrated as "devotion," we've found ourselves in a dangerous place. Every day, countless people endure emotional manipulation, verbal degradation, and physical violence – all while being told this is what love looks like. Social media is filled with memes joking about toxic relationships, friends advise each other to tolerate harmful behavior, and entertainment glamorizes possessive partners. Somewhere along the way, abuse has been repackaged as romance.
I remember sitting across from my friend, coffee growing cold between us, as I shared something I thought was positive about my past relationship.
"You know, despite dating him for over three years and all those stories about how he used to beat his ex-girlfriend, he never once raised his hand to me."
I'd heard the whispers, of course. People in our circle would occasionally let slip how my then boyfriend had a history—a pattern of violence with women before me.
Yet in our relationship, spanning over three years, not once did he become physically violent. I thought this was something worth mentioning—perhaps even evidence of change or growth.
I expected relief, Instead, my friend looked me straight in the eyes and said, "It's because he really never loved you."
The conversation stopped there. I couldn't find words to respond because I was processing what had just happened – my friend had casually equated love with violence, as if the absence of abuse meant the absence of affection.
This moment revealed something profound about how we collectively view relationships. Many of us have internalized dangerous myths about what love looks like. We've normalized behaviors that aren't just unhealthy – they're harmful.
Where does this come from? For many, it starts at home. The relationships we witness as children become our templates for love. If we grow up seeing aggression treated as passion or control framed as protection, these distortions follow us into adulthood. What's familiar often feels right, even when it hurts.
Think about the phrases we casually accept: "He's only mean because he cares." "She yells because she's passionate about you." "If they didn't love you, they wouldn't get so jealous." These aren't signs of deep connection – they're red flags disguised as romance.
True love creates safety, not fear. It builds up, rather than tears down. When someone truly cares for you, they work to protect you from harm, not become the source of it.
My ex-boyfriend's restraint wasn't evidence of emotional distance – it was simply the basic respect that should exist in every relationship. The bar for healthy relationships cannot be so low that we celebrate the mere absence of violence as exceptional.
We deserve to unlearn these harmful associations and reimagine what love can be. This journey starts with recognizing that our past experiences may have skewed our perceptions, and continues with the courage to expect more – for ourselves and others.
What definitions of love did you inherit?
