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Pambazuko Mpya Counseling Centre, Moi Avenue, Nairobi (2025)

11/04/2022

COPING WITH REJECTION

Rejection is the feeling a person experiences when disappointed about not achieving something desired.
Rejection (which we all experience at times) doesn't mean someone isn't liked, valued, or important. It just means that one time, in one situation, with one person, things didn't work out.
Rejection is painful, and even sometimes feel intolerable. There are also times we may feel rejected when perhaps that’s not what’s truly going on. Either way, feeling rejected can result to many other feelings: confusion, bitterness, anger, sadness, low self-worth. It is not about the word NO but how it makes us feel.

EXAMPLES OF REJECTION
• Being turned down by a potential employer
• Losing a friend
• A parent disowning you
• A friend ignoring a message about hangout
• Being turned down for a date
The list is endless when we look at different contexts of rejection.

BENEFITS OF REJECTION
• Lessons to learn
• Opportunities for growth
• Protection from someone or something

NEGATIVE RESPONSE TO REJECTION
• You become entitled when asking.
• You become obliged when asked-that you have to say yes.
• Pursuing revenge.
• Holding onto resentments/bitterness.

POSITIVE RESPONSE TO REJECTION
• Accept, understand and respect the answer.
• Do not take rejection personally-it is never about you.
• Learn from it-how I ask, when I asked, whom I asked.
• Standing for your decision and say no.
• Success is not just yes, but the growth which includes rejection.
• Forgive yourself.
• Forgive the other person.
• Connect with God to allow healing and forgiveness.
• Seek therapy to help cope with rejection.

CONCLUSION
Rejection is part of our daily life. The moment we accept and embrace rejection, it becomes easier to cope though processing the painful feelings takes time. Embracing these facts, enables us to face our realities courageously and objectively. This will result in putting rejection in context and learning from experience instead of carrying resentments.

12/08/2021

FAVORITISM IN FAMILIES by Debra Cheruiyot- Mental health therapist

Favoritism in families among the children has always been a real and silent issue rarely expressed in families....I propose that it's good to have facts right before accusing your parents of not loving you.Or for parents to deny the fact that they have a favorite child.

According to Psychology today, favoritism has little to do with loving one child more.It is more about how the parents personality resonates with one child's personality more than others.This could be things like birth order, gender and shared interests( it is a question of like).

One common issue related to favoritism is children's achievements. A child in a family could be having more accomplishments than the rest of the siblings and of course the result being the parents celebrating them more.I feel we need to be more empathetic towards parents because what would they do instead. Similarly the parents have a task; they also need to strike a balance where every child is celebrated and it is not limited to school performance but any kind of creativity/ achievement.

For children, the greatest challenge they face is always comparing themselves with their siblings in terms of treatment from parents and their accomplishments.With limits to abusive parents, we should understand that children can never be treated the same because everyone is unique. Parents have a great task to show and communicate unconditional love.They should not imply that their love is earned.For children, understanding that they are unique and are enough will help them have inner peace stop competing for love and approval from parents.

Favoritism is a source of conflict in families consciously or unconsciously.How one handles it is what determines the success/ failure of their relationship with parents and siblings.

22/03/2021

'Unrealistic expectations are premeditated resentments'

Expecting life to always turnout the way you want is guaranteed to lead to disappointment because life will not always become the way you want it to.

And when those unfulfilled expectations involve the failure of other people to behave the way you expect them to, the disappointment also involves resentment...John A. Johnson.

Let go of expectations and find something to be grateful about,even when things don't turn out the way you hoped and you will experience serenity rather than resentment.

Fritz Perks 1969
I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations.
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you and I am I and if by any chance we find each other, it's beautiful.
If not,it can't be helped.

14/09/2020

Pambazuko Mpya Counseling Center is offering online Counseling services ranging from; individual, group and couple therapy. We also do trainings in organizations.

Call 0773288952 for more inquiries.

11/09/2020

THE LEADER IN YOU
by Debra Cheruiyot; mental health therapist

In life, we all seem to be in pursuit for something.Many of us are rashing for power,fame and wealth. We desire to be successful by gaining any or all of the above motivators of success.
Today, I would like us to focus on power in our lives. Power is something that we desire in our lives to be relevant and be respected in the society. We will go to great miles to achieve any form of leadership in our circle of life. The circle can either be at work, churches or mosques, unions, schools, political arena and many other platforms that offer posts for leadership.This inner drive to fulfill a psychological need can push one to extremes they have never expected to reach. We kill,bribe,lie or tamper with someone's record just for the sake of a power post.
We imagine that getting titles, reaching the highest in heirachy, having leadership attributes or being in management is being a leader.
I want to bring to your attention that we got it all wrong. We have misunderstood what leadership is in its core. Kevin Kruse helps us understand that leadership is a process of social influence which maximizes the efforts of others towards the achievement of a goal.
I propose that the next time you want to lead others ask yourself "Am I a leader in my own life? ".Take a moment and go through these responsibilities that each of us has and implement them to be your own leader.
1. Take charge of your life; stop blaming others for your mistakes, accept them. Make decisions and plan for your future.
2. Complete whatever you start; ensure that whatever task or commitment you have started commit till the end.
3. Have long term and short term goals; you always have to plan for your life and therefore having goals motivate you to achieve them.
4. Manage your time wisely; you always have to plan for your day to ensure that you accomplish your goals and keep time for your appointments.
5. Eliminate or avoid people and things in your life that don't add value; We need to avoid people who don't build us and derail us. Habits that are distractive to us should also be eliminated.
6. Celebrate your achievements; be proud of your small and big achievements.
7. Forgive yourself; when you fail or do a mistake be compassionate and forgive yourself. Learn from your mistakes and always give yourself another chance.
8. Accept and appreciate your personality and your body; you are unique and therefore you need to appreciate who you are.
9. Work hard and pursue excellence in everything you do; you need to pursue what you desire, give it your best.
10. Be honest to yourself; you can lie to the world but not to yourself. Be real and do what you have to do.
11. Build on your beliefs system; Who you believe in is key in having principles and values in life.
12. Take a break and enjoy life; rest is key to all human beings.

I hope this information will enlighten you on being the leader in your life.Implementing these roles helps us to be better individuals who can then lead others.

08/06/2020

VICTIM MENTALITY by Debra Cheruiyot.

Jacobson, S. (2019) describes victim mentality as blaming challenges in your life on others around you, even if you cannot prove their negative actions.
Zur, O. helps us understand the psychology of victims. First, we need to understand the difference between a victim and a non-victim. What differentiates those who overcome trauma and live a meaningful life from those who suffer at length from acute Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (P.T.S.D)? What distinguishes a woman who leaves an abusive husband from one who does not? It is often argued that the difference between victims and non-victims lies in the external factors but that is not the case. It is in how one views themselves, the world around them and their relationship with the trauma.
Raypole, C. (2016) suggests victim mentality stems from the following;
• Past trauma: it can be used as a method of coping with emotional or physical abuse or trauma
• Betrayal: repeated betrayals can result to lack of trust, making people feel like victims.
• Codependency: one may sacrifice their goals to support their partner. They may end up feeling frustrated and resentful that their needs are not met without acknowledging their role in the situation
• Manipulation: blaming others for problems they caused, lashing out or making others feel guilty/to gain sympathy and attention

In case you are wondering about the role of nature as a contributing factor, Zur O. proposes that there are no genes of victim-hood. He offers that as a child grows, the family environment and social/political realities influence their lives. This means that children can be victimized or experience violence by the environment around them. Therefore, they can end either as victims, victimizers or a victor of their situations.
According to Front psychol (2015) victimization experiences form the basis of developing a victim mentality. Victimization experiences are those crucial life events that if one responds in a dysfunctional manner, they are likely to increase and stabilize victim sensitivity. Victimization therefore thwarts the need to trust.
Semi model (Sensitivity to Mean Intentions) by Gollwitzer and Rothmund describes victim sensitivity is based on either the need to trust others or that others are untrustworthy. The victim sensitive individuals would desire to live in a world where people can be trusted, one is not taken advantage of and that co-operation will pay off.
CHARACTERISTICS OF A VICTIM;
These are some of the indicators of a victim. Ask yourself these questions. Do you…
• Seek sympathy from others?
• Have self-pity?
• Are you neither responsible or accountable?
• Complain and whine a lot, even when things go well?
• Blame others for your mistakes or failures?
• Tend to keep painful memories by not forgiving and taking revenge (Phelps, L. 2016)?
• Think others target to hurt you or are against you?
• Feel powerless, that you cannot solve your own problems?
• Have a sense of shame and guilt?
• Have an Internal sense of badness and feel relieved when punished?
• Have low self-esteem?

HOW TO OVERCOME A VICTIM MENTALITY
According to social exchange theory and behavior psychology, an individual will maintain a behavior as long as the cost of being a victim is less than the benefits rather the victim’s behavior is rewarded.
Apparently, the victim behavior provides enough rewards and benefits to the victim. Jacobson S. (2019) unfolds the benefits of being a victim are;
• Attention
• Feeling valued
• Power
It is there of essence to unlearn this behavior by re-learning new traits of how to cope with life and the challenges it brings along;
• Become grateful; count your blessings and be thankful.
• Avoid being fully dependent on others; we need others but we also need to know that we have a part to play in our lives. Socially, emotionally, financially, spiritually.
• Believe in yourself; trust your decisions, opinions and abilities.
• Forgive; everyone makes mistakes and fails, choose to forgive yourself and others who have wronged you.
• Take responsibility of your own life; taking charge of your life by solving your problems and making decisions for your well-being.
• Unlearn the behavior by facing the anger, fear, shame, sadness that victim mentality hides you from. Seek support from a therapist.
• Perform acts of kindness to others. Do good to others or help others who are in need.

As we conclude, some quotes will help you internalize and grasp what I have put across about victim mentality.
As Dr. Steve Maraboli quotes; stop validating your victim mentality. Shake off your self-defeating drama and embrace your innate ability to recover and achieve.
Your complains, your drama, your victim mentality, your whining and your blaming and all your excuses have NEVER gotten you even a single step closer to your goals or dreams. Let go off your non sense. Let go off your delusion that you DESERVE better and go EARN it.
Paulo Coelho quotes that it’s always easy to blame others. You can spend the entire life blaming the world, but your successes and failures are entirely your own.

Thanks again, comments are welcome. Our counseling services are ongoing in case you need therapy.

08/06/2020

UNCERTAIN TIMES by Debra Cheruiyot.
This year was not different from other years, I had started living my planned life working as a lecturer in one of the universities in the country. I had set goals for the year,2020 that I hoped to achieve and was excited to know that it was possible if I implemented them. Unfortunately, in mid-march our institution closed down inconveniently. This occurred as I was planning for my last class due to invasion of Covid-19 in the country and its quick spread in Nairobi.
Covid-19 pandemic affected our country Kenya in an unexpected time. Last year, when Covid-19 affected China I thought that it was far away, the virus would disappear or since China is a first world country, they could easily get a vaccine or a cure before it spreads to other countries. To my surprise, the virus started spreading to neighboring countries one by one then in March 2020 we were victims of the same.
Unfortunately, day after day as I listened to the news the number of infected people increased and even those days that the minister of health did not communicate to avoid panic, the curve seemed to be going up. The government ordered people to quarantine themselves, use sanitizers, wear face masks and avoid body contact with people around us to avoid spread of the virus. This would help prevent spread of this virus and to save the nation from heading to the situation that Italy encountered. At that time, Italy was losing a lot of their people due to body contact and unfortunately most of their patients were the elderly.
According to United Nations Development Programme (U.N.D.P), countries are racing to slow the spread of the virus by testing and treating patients, carrying out contact tracing, limiting travel, quarantining citizens and cancelling large gatherings such as sporting events, concerts and schools. They propose that Covid-19 is not only a health crisis but it is stressing every country it affects, it has the potential to create devastating social, economic and political crises that will leave deep scars. Everyday people are losing jobs and income, with no way of knowing when normality will return.
Uncertainty started creeping in my mind, since information from the media had it that employers had started sacking their employees and reducing their salaries. Rent and food started being an issue to those people who depended on salaries, daily wages or even businesses. How can you tell people to quarantine themselves yet they have a family to feed and look after?
By the third week of Covid-19 in Kenya, there was implementation of curfew from 7pm-5am as part of curbing the war against Covid-19. More questions were coming to my mind; will Covid-19 pandemic end? will something good come out of this season? Since many things have been disrupted, will things return to normal soon?
Three months later, I am still asking myself the same questions and with no answers. So, what is the way forward in such season. I came to a conclusion that this challenge is out of my control and only God has the answers.
When one is faced with such uncertain times one can implement the following steps to ensure they overcome such challenges victoriously;
• Focus on the moment; don’t waste a lot of time thinking about the future yet you have the present to live. Whatever the future holds depend a lot on what you do now.
• Trust God, He determines your future; leave to God your worries because He plans your path. Accept that which you cannot control.
• Do your part now; be proactive, make the most of this time and do what you can do now. Remember what you sow is what you will reap.
• Develop new skills; be curious and learn new skills. You can sharpen the skills that you are not good at. This is a season to do that which you have been procrastinating.
• Reflect on past successes; past achievement are a great motivator and adrenaline for you to push on in any idea or project you may be having.
• Seek support; emotional and mental stability is critical during uncertain times. Friends and family play a great role in supporting you.
• Self-care; do exercise more to reduce stress and keep fit. Allow only positive thoughts in your mind, things that will build you not discourage you. Feed on healthy food and avoid snacking throughout the day.
• Maintain your old routine; a healthy routine for that matter by sleeping early and waking early, exercising among other things. It is a challenge to re-learn a behavior after a long time so don’t oversleep or stop your exercise routine.

We need to realize that we will overcome any challenge we face in life. Therefore, let us be courageous by applying the above and face the challenge without fear. For nothing is too hard for us to triumph with God on our side. Enjoy this season and make the most from it.
I appreciate your comments and questions you send.

17/04/2020

IS INDEPENDENCE A HEALTHY SITUATION FOR US? By Debra Cheruiyot.
Mental health therapist P.M.C.C

If there is one frustrating situation in life, most people dread is to be dependent on others. Most people desire independence and look forward to turn 18years which marks the beginning of adulthood since parents/guardians have been making decisions for them regarding life. Unfortunately, dependence is the situation for others even into late adulthood.
So, what is independence? According to Cambridge English dictionary it is state of not being influenced or controlled in any way by people, events or things. Simply put, being free from outside influence. Dependence is the opposite, a state where you need something or someone all the time mainly to continue existing or operating.
Let’s have a background of where dependent and independent situations stem from. From when you were born, as a toddler you were fully dependent on your parents/guardians. They decided what and when you eat, what you wear, the religion you uphold, where you live, the school you go to and the education system among many other things. As you grow up, you start desiring independence as you see adults around you which prompts you to make your own choices. As a teenager, one wants to make more decisions in their life, that is why they mostly rebel against their parents in that age-group majorly because these two states (independence and dependence) are conflicting. You start choosing your friends, which music you like, which values you prefer etc. Some of your parents realize the importance of developing independence therefore giving their teens some freedom to make the choices at the same time, regulating some of their decisions. Independence is crucial at this stage in your life, because you start becoming more responsible of your life. On the other side, parents who otherwise fully make their teens dependent on them by making all their decisions lead them to develop little or no belief in themselves and are less responsible in their lives. First lady of the U.S, Eleanor Roosevelt once said, Freedom makes a huge requirement of every human being. With freedom comes responsibility. For the person who is unwilling to grow up, the person who does not want to carry his own cross, this is a frightening prospect.
Many teens look forward to be 18 years, to have the freedom to make their own decisions. So, you find an 18-year-old after finishing high school makes a lot of wrong decisions such as trying out drugs and substances, entering a love relationship blindly, joining a group of friends some of which they later on regret the decisions. They feel their curiosity of independence is quenched. On the other hand, if your parent/guardian guided you on life choices earlier before age 18 and trusted you enough to allow you to make the choices, one learns from their mistakes and bear the consequences. This results in a more responsible and mature decision making in life.
In pursuit of independence; we desire to be emotionally, financially, mentally, physically and spiritually stable. What pushes most of us to desire independence is the fear of losing yourself, being controlled or manipulated, since we have seen or experienced the negative effects of ‘feeling like a slave’ or rather being dependent.
Independence is a responsibility but it is not a destination. This is because we have needs that are met by others, in our relationships and friendships. Deciding to detach from people and walk alone, simply encourages selfishness where you are self-reliant and feel capable of meeting your own needs emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. We need to realize that we live in a family, a community, a work environment that requires team work, businesses which all need us to build relationships.
Dependence can on the other hand cause suffocation in a relationship. One person’s self-esteem and self-worth relies on someone else approval. This is unhealthy because the person could be manipulated and loose themselves in the process.
We need to maintain a balance between the two, because just as we don’t need people to exist, we rely on the same people to meet our needs. This is called interdependence. Interdependence is the state where you value your sense of self and your values, at the same time understanding the importance of vulnerability and emotional intimacy. Interdependence is simply focusing on the other in the relationship just as you are focusing on yourself; by listening to the other, building trust, being empathetic, acknowledge healthy conflict etc.
So, what I am simply saying is that we all have needs, ones we can meet by ourselves and ones that can only be met by others. Concurrently other people also rely on you to meet their needs. Understanding this dynamic will help to balance and therefore experience a healthy life.

27/10/2019

UNDERSTANDING NON-CHEMICAL ADDICTIONS-part 1

I have been interested lately, in non-chemical addictions what we call behavioural addictions. I know we are familiar with drugs and substance addictions from diagnosis to treatment, because it is easily noticed as a problem. This makes families and loved ones of substance addicts to be concerned and actually seek treatment for them. An addiction is a brain disease that is manifested by compulsive consumption of substances or participation in an activity despite harmful consequences. Addiction is sub-divided into two types; chemical (substance) addiction and non-chemical (behaviour) addiction.

So our focus today is behaviour addictions. They are basically compulsive participation in an activity despite negative consequences on work or social relationships. Behaviour addictions include; gambling, sex,internet& games,shopping, work, codependency, food &eating,love, just to mention a few.

Behaviour addictions work by increasing dopamine levels in our brain. Dopamine is simply a neurotransmitter in our brain that increases pleasurable feelings due to a reward-motivated behaviour. Unfortunately, we become vulnerable to addictions because every time we participate in these activities or use substances, brain chemicals are released. Feeling good and happy due to dopamine release, when participating in these activities is what makes one addicted. Chemical and non-chemical addictions are therefore similar in terms of brain activity reason being one becomes dependent on the pleasurable feelings.

Signs and symptoms of behaviour addiction include: spending a lot of time engaging in the behaviour, strong desire to engage in the behaviour, relationship/social issues arise, work/school/home duties are neglected, difficulty to quit, tolerance of the behaviour, replacing once enjoyed hobbies with the behaviour, withdrawal symptoms when stopping the behaviour.
Behaviour addiction is harmful and should not be treated as a 'minor issue' which one can deal with, compared to substance addiction. Unfortunately, people around us don't even notice behaviour addiction as a problem due to little or no information about it. Most people view this type of addiction like po*******hy, gambling as a character issue that is it. It's therefore important to be aware and seek for more knowledge in order to prevent and treat this type of addiction not only for yourself but also for others around you.

One needs to seek for help from mental health professionals; therapists, clinical psychologists or psychiatrists immediately they notice signs and symptoms of the addiction. Next time will talk more about treatment and prevention of this type of addiction.

I would love to hear from you about what you know, have heard or experienced about this type of addiction.👈

11/10/2019

BUILD TRUST IN YOURSELF by Debra Cheruiyot
Mental health therapist at P.M.C.C.

We have always focused on discussing trust issues we have with others but rarely do we focus on ourselves when it comes to trust. Trusting yourself is believing in the person you are; your personality, ability and reliability. So, trusting yourself is simply being your best friend while not trusting yourself is being your worst enemy.
You become your worst enemy by regretting most of the time about the things you have done or decisions you have made. You also beat yourself up by thinking you are not good enough.
Unfortunately, this happens at some point in our lives while for others it is a lifetime thing until one makes a firm decision to trust ourselves. So you are wondering, what is the cause of not trusting yourself? Circumstances we face, upbringing, and people around us or decisions we make result into a lack of trust in ourselves.
I have come to understand through therapy and my own life that trusting yourself is a journey; so at one point you will be fully lacking it or you might have progressed in the journey. So, what steps do you take to believe in the person you are? Or rather believe more in the person you are.
The following are steps you take if you desire to become your best friend; to trust yourself more:
Take back what is yours. We give so much of our personal power to people because we assume, they know more than we do. We end up making choices and decisions based on what the world thinks is good not what we know is right and best for us. It is important to know that ‘I am not small and insignificant instead I am powerful beyond measure’. Stop giving your power to forces outside of you because your power is yours to keep.
Make commitments that you can keep and do not to give excuses once you commit. A gun was not put on your head to make the decision, so it’s crucial to take your time and think through it before committing to anything. I have learnt this the hard way but it’s okay to say ‘NO’ to what or who you cannot give your time, resources or yourself.
Listen to your inner voice. Your first thought is always right, stop doubting yourself. The inner voice what others call nudges or intuition, in us gives us direction in life. Don’t give too much attention to outside voices. This is because we focus more on people outside and make ‘their’ decisions later regretting that we had the right thought in the first place.
It’s alright to desire, want something. That is what you want, not what another wants. Speaking/expressing our desires, wants or needs helps us to be real, connect with others and fulfill whatever want or need we have.
Stop second guessing yourself, believe you are always giving your best every moment. This will make you appreciate yourself more and stop criticizing everything you do. You don’t have to be perfect in whatever you do, just giving you best is enough.
When you make mistakes which we often do, forgive yourself and move on. That is life, learn to accept mistakes then be merciful to yourself by forgiving yourself and learning the lesson from the mistake.
Love yourself unconditionally. Support, respect and treat yourself as you want the world to do for you or even more. This can be done also by building your strengths and accepting your weaknesses.
Keep some things to yourself. You don’t have to share all your troubles, inner turmoil, fears, doubts, joys, dreams and aspirations to those around you. People don’t need to know because they are carrying their own turmoil and joys. Share with your friends what you know you can trust them with.
Be decisive. I really find this point crucial because just the same way you find people around you who are indecisive to be unreliable that is the same perception you will have of yourself. Others start making decisions for you and you believe them more than yourself.
You are the best. We tend to place too much importance on what other people think and less value on what we actually know to be true. We ignore our contributions/thoughts by making idols of those who are smarter and wiser than us and not realizing that nobody knows more about who we are and our life than we do. You know a lot than you think but this only comes out when we trust ourselves. Everything about life and your purpose is inside you. Stop focusing your attention on others and build yourself.
Take risks, do not be afraid of failure. Success is a result of taking risks and accepting the possibility of failure. So instead of allowing fear to take over, be motivated by the fact that the risk you are about to take will not be a success unless you try it.
As you go about your daily life, I encourage you to put into practice these trust builders. It is not an easy road to start but it is worth the investment eventually. I am saying this because I have walked this road, and am still not perfect but I am proud of myself because I decided never to give up on myself. I agree with you that sometimes you be could facing life’s hurdles and you wonder is life worth it, let alone trusting yourself. Let us awaken to the thought that we are never perfect and life is full of ups and downs which should motivate us the more not to give up on ourselves. Welcome to the journey of building trust in yourself.

Pambazuko Mpya Counseling Centre

11/04/2022

12/08/2021

22/03/2021

14/09/2020

11/09/2020

08/06/2020

08/06/2020

17/04/2020

27/10/2019

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