Dr. Kendi Ash*tiva

11/08/2025

When the battle has ended and you have survived, remember to take off all that armor so you can live and love freely again. 'Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection and feel life.' Brene Brown.

08/08/2025

Always SEPARATE YOUR IDENTITY FROM YOUR EXPERIENCES.

You are NOT YOUR TRAUMA.

You are NOT YOUR SEXUAL ABUSE.

You are NOT YOUR DIVORCE.

You are NOT YOUR ABANDONMENT.

You are NOT YOUR GRIEF.

You are NOT THAT AFFAIR.

These are experiences, very painful ones but they are never to be mistaken for Identity. You are who you say you are. You are NOT WHAT YOUR PROBLEMS say you are. You ARE NOT YOUR MISTAKES my dear.

Never ever make an identity out of your experiences, nor let anyone identify you only by your experiences. For years I owned my trauma like a badge of honor, thinking that’s what healing looks like! I was wrong! I am not my trauma! I am not what happened to me!

Do not confuse processing trauma with owning trauma. We process trauma, which means we put language, meaning, and understanding to the trauma so we can rewire the brain and take back the power that the traumatic experience had on us, but we don’t own it.

Healing happens during and after processing the trauma. Healing is a process of acknowledging what happened to you, taking responsibility for your part of it, forgiving yourself and others. Learning from your mistakes and MOVING ON as A NEW WISER HUMAN BEING.

I love how the Bible puts it, it says “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.”
‭‭II Corinthians‬ ‭5‬:‭17‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

In psychology we say while the past is fixed, the future is always dynamic and can be created. Everyday you create your future, you cannot blame your past for your future. Your future is completely in your hands.

Childhood Trauma is no excuse for a bad life, it’s an explanation but not an excuse. Again do not let your past define you.

Separate YOUR EXPERIENCES FROM YOUR IDENTITY.

YOU ARE NOT YOUR EXPERIENCES!

Musings of a Practising Therapist,
Dr. Kendi Ash*tiva.

05/08/2025

It takes Patience, Self Control and Wisdom to HEAL from MARITAL WOUNDS.

Dr. Kendi Ash*tiva

02/08/2025

Dear Millennial Parents,

Now that schools are closed you may be wondering what to do with the children at home. Two words, HOUSE CHORES. Please give your children house chores.

We are genuinely over-depending on hired help, and raising krunky entitled children claiming mental health is their problem. No laziness is their first problem and we are enabling it. Hired help is for mum and Dad, kids should do their own chores.

Unless your children are unwell, they should clean after themselves, they should learn to cook for themselves. They must learn and get comfortable with struggle. Let them struggle, let them fuss, let them pout but house chores are a must! It’s the way they learn delayed gratification, discipline, gratitude etc. So here is my advice this holiday, schedule house chores for everyone, even the smallest can take their plate to the kitchen, hang their underwear with help etc. Point is there is a lot of bonding and fighting with house chores, fight anyway, bond anyway, always make up with your kids after a fight but don’t be bullied into nonsense, HOUSE CHORES are actually good for their MENTAL HEALTH.

Children who regularly do house chores consistently tend to be more regulated, more disciplined and less likely to suffer from mental health challenges. There is no therapy for laziness, so reduce their dependence on hired help and gadgets from dopamine, let them get dopamine from completing tasks, team work, healthy competition among siblings and money from genuine work! Don’t worry sometimes fights are part of it! Fight a way, fight for your children! Watu Wafanye house chores!

Musings of a Parenting Millennial,
Dr. Kendi Ash*tiva.

31/07/2025

After leaving a marriage, please go after HEALING. Healing must be your priority, not showing off or pretending it does not hurt . A divorce is like an amputation, you must heal and rehabilitate.

Dr. Kendi Ash*tiva

30/07/2025

When you cannot save the marriage. Please SAVE YOURSELF. You existed before it did, you can exist after.

Dr. Kendi Ash*tiva

29/07/2025

I had completely stopped doing media interviews, but I am baaaack. Let’s Talk.

29/07/2025

28/07/2025

One word I feel captures Mother or Motherhood is the word SACRIFICE

One word I feel captures Father or Fatherhood is the word SECURITY.

A mother sacrifices her sleep, her comfort, her body, sometimes unfortunately “her life” to bring children into this world and to nurture them to full functioning adults. A mother gives up a lot to be a mother, however it remains the greatest honor for most women and we wouldn’t trade it for anything. I keep saying Motherhood is a calling. Once you have children or even a child, you will never be the same again. Motherhood must be embraced as an untold privilege but let’s not lie it’s not funny at all. The sacrifice is real, the thinking about your children all the time is real. The picking up a cough a mile away,and thinking mmmhh is that a wet cough or dry cough. Mothers are their children’s best pediatricians. The struggles with nanny’s/ DMs, bosses, being a working mum is real. I have had to accept my career will slow down significantly because of motherhood. I simply can’t say YES to everything when my kids are young. They NEED their MOTHER. Motherhood is truly, how I got over myself…..

Fatherhood for me is captured in the word SECURITY. A Father has to offer SECURITY to and for his family. Security here means it is his work to lay down his life for his family to ensure they are SAFE EMOTIONALLY , PHYSICALLY , FINANCIALLY and SPIRITUALLY . A good father anticipates the needs of his family both present and future. He thinks generationally. A good Father thinks legacy, he thinks safety for his wife and kids after he is gone. There are men that die and leave behind chaos, while others leave behind softness, safety, honor all because they thought SECURITY during and after they are gone. Did you know, one of the things child molesters look for when picking their prey, are children who lack strong male figures in their lives. Yes believe that! Fathers, present fathers, active Fathers, offer major SECURITY for their homes.

Notice how widows are harassed by in-laws and other people upon the death of their husbands. Even if the guy was in ICU or on a wheelchair following a stroke, his mere presence meant nobody dared touch his assets or his family.
FATHERS # =SECURITY.

Motherhood is no joke, neither is Fatherhood. Many of us are parenting against very toxic, unhealthy, traumatic templates. I keep saying some things must end with me. I refuse to be the mother my children need to recover from while trying to adult. While I won’t be perfect I obtain grace and wisdom daily to do right by them and the seed they carry. Yes our children, have children in them.

I am not a perfect mum, but in my imperfection I have leant that children are very very FORGIVING only if you have the humility to apologize to them. I have apologized over and over again to them and repented to GOD for actions and inactions. Truly from the heart.

So remember children are very very forgiving, if you ever harm them knowingly or unknowingly like I have,quickly run and apologize to them. A relationship with them is your most prized possession. Let nobody lie to you otherwise.

I wish you well 🤗.

Musings of a Practising Therapist,
Dr. Kendi Ash*tiva.

22/07/2025

Blast from the past!!!!! I stand by this post now more than ever 💪🏼🥳🤩……

22/07/2025

I have found a strong correlation between my Spiritual Health and my Mental Health.

Whenever I am Spiritually healthy, my mental health is through the roof🥳🥳🥳. I am optimistic, I am grounded, I am not battling anxiety, my mind is calm, my soul is at rest🤗.

However whenever I am spiritually weakened by life’s difficulties and by lack of observing spiritual disciplines, my mental health really suffers😩. I begin to feel depressed, I begin to crave dopamine hits in unusual levels, I feel tired, I am more aware of everything and everyone that offended me 😖. I am sensitive, touchy and irritable. I crave control, I am defensive about everything…..

My Spiritual Health and wellbeing being are key to my mental health. I don’t know about you, but as for me and my house we will serve the LORD. Life is tough yall , life is tough. I need GOD, I need godly wisdom, I need a sober lifestyle.

How are you all doing? When do you find your mental health struggling the most? When does your mental heath thrive?

Musings of a Practising Therapist,
Dr. Kendi Ash*tiva.