07/07/2020
How Much Privacy Is Good for a Relationship?
Emotional intimacy is the hallmark of close, loving relationships. It involves sharing personal information, including vulnerable truths. But that doesn’t mean sharing everything. After all, you might prefer to keep previous s*xual exploits to yourself, or just not discuss your bathroom habits. In thinking about your relationship, your natural question might then be – How much should I share?
The unfulfilling answer is that everyone is different. Some people say practically everything that comes into their heads while others are more protective of, or simply less inclined to share, their personal information. If there is a difference in how much privacy you and your partner require to be comfortable, this can cause problems. One person’s comfortable distance can feel like rejection or not caring to the other person. They might even interpret their partner being close-mouthed as them being secretive (an affair, perhaps?).
Importantly, there is a difference between privacy and secrecy. When people are inclined toward being private, they are generally not hiding anything that they think would upset their partner. However, being secretive specifically involves trying to prevent their partner from finding out something upsetting.
That said, the line between the two can be blurry. For instance, someone who fears being criticized might be particularly private as a way to prevent being attacked or rejected. Still, the “secret” is not about something that would be hurtful to their partner. Or, someone might not tell their partner something that they think would be hurtful, especially when they also didn’t see a benefit in doing so. (For instance, you might consider keeping to yourself that you think your partner’s self-styled, COVID-19 lockdown haircut is hideous.) In this situation, they would be, in a sense, “secretive” – though they would not be secretive as a rule. Whether or not that is acceptable is likely a judgment call.
