Usha's Counselling

27/11/2025

✨ Self-Care: It’s Not Just What You Do — It’s Who You Allow Near You ✨

When we talk about self-care, we often think about the usual things: eating well, staying hydrated, exercising, getting sunlight, meditating, listening to music, or doing hobbies we enjoy. These things do help. They build emotional resilience, like a protective barrier that keeps life’s storms from overwhelming us.

But there’s another side of self-care that isn’t talked about enough:

Self-care also means recognising who is not good for you.

We warn people about substances, unhealthy habits, and poor routines. But we rarely speak about the emotional environments we live in — or the people who quietly drain us.

Sometimes the hardest part of self-care is noticing the people who:
• constantly take from you
• never pour back into you
• love you only when it benefits them
• leave you feeling small, guilty, or unworthy

And the truth is, these people are often close — family, relatives, or people in our daily lives. We expect them to protect us, so when they are the ones hurting us, our mind becomes confused. Many end up blaming themselves:

“It must be me.”
“I need to change.”

But sometimes… it isn’t you.
It’s the environment.
It’s the emotional atmosphere around you.

A key part of self-care is awareness.
Ask yourself:

👉 Who gives me energy?
👉 Who drains me?
👉 Who respects me?
👉 Who leaves me feeling unsafe or uncertain?

Self-care is not only about what you do to feel better.
It’s also about understanding who around you is helping you grow — and who is slowly breaking you down.

21/11/2025

✨ “We hold on because we’re afraid of what might happen if we let go.” ✨

This applies to any relationship or environment that involves people — romantic relationships, friendships, families, and even workplaces.

Most of the time, people don’t stay because they’re happy. They stay because they’re afraid.

Afraid of life without that person.
Afraid of losing the routine.
Afraid of stepping into the unknown.

And notice I said familiarity, not safety.

Because very often, the situation isn’t emotionally, psychologically, or even physically safe at all. But because we know the environment, it gives us the illusion of safety. Human beings cling to what is familiar, even when that familiarity harms us.

There’s also something else: loyalty.
In families, especially toxic, narcissistic, or enmeshed ones, separating can feel like betrayal. In workplaces, we’re conditioned to believe that leaving is a sign of failure or disloyalty. So we stay — even when staying costs us parts of ourselves.

And in toxic romantic relationships, it’s rarely a matter of thinking the grass is greener elsewhere. It’s that we struggle to imagine any other future. Our minds immediately jump to the negative:

“Where will I live?”
“How will I cope?”
“What if I regret it?”

We rarely ask the other questions:

✨ How peaceful could life be without walking on eggshells?
✨ How would it feel to breathe freely again?
✨ Who could I become without constantly absorbing someone else’s chaos?

There are so many reasons we hold on to what no longer serves us. Fear. Conditioning. Loyalty. And sometimes sheer exhaustion.

I completely acknowledge that fear.
Fear is valid. Fear is human.

But I also gently invite you to explore your strengths.

You weren’t born in that job, that relationship, or that family dynamic. You entered it at some point. You adapted. You tried something new once — which means you can do it again.

When we stay trapped in toxic environments, a huge part of our identity becomes covered. We forget our worth, our value, our capability. We forget what we’re made of. But stepping out — even in small ways — creates space for us to rediscover who we are.

And yes, choosing to leave or change your life is hard.
But staying indefinitely in something damaging is also hard.

One is a hard that slowly destroys you.
The other is a hard that may challenge you in the short term…
but in the long term, it might guide you back to yourself.

A freer version.
A braver version.
A more evolved version of who you were always meant to be.

Choose your hard — and choose yourself. ✨

13/11/2025

From the moment we’re born, the world starts shaping us differently.
Boys are given cars, blocks, and games. Girls are given dolls, tea sets, and pretend kitchens.
Before we even learn to speak, we’re already being told who we’re supposed to be.

As we grow up, those lessons deepen.
A man growing older is “distinguished.”
A woman aging is “letting herself go.”
A single man is “desirable.”
A single woman — “what went wrong?”
If a father helps at home, he’s praised.
If a mother does the same, it’s expected.
If a man is assertive, he’s confident.
If a woman is assertive, she’s bossy.

From the very beginning, women are conditioned to carry more — emotionally, mentally, socially.
To be the glue.
To keep the peace.
To overlook.
To stay silent.
And when relationships fall apart, it’s often the woman who’s told she didn’t “try hard enough.”

So it’s no wonder more and more women are choosing to remain single.
They’re tired of having to teach grown adults how to communicate.
Tired of carrying the emotional and mental load.
Tired of being the caretaker, the peacekeeper, the teacher, the forgiver — all at once.

Because the sweet they were promised — the ladoo of marriage, family, “happily ever after” — when they finally tasted it, they realised it wasn’t so sweet after all. It was just for show.

It was the carrot in front of the donkey — something dangled in front of women for generations, to make them chase it, believe in it, and carry the weight of it.
But many have stopped chasing.
They’ve realised they were the prize all along.

07/11/2025

I didn’t hit you. I didn’t cheat on you. So why are you upset?”

This is something I’ve heard before, and maybe you have too. Sometimes, even when a relationship ends, that’s the question that gets asked: “Did he hit you? Did he cheat on you?”

And that’s exactly the problem. Society has conditioned us to see only the obvious forms of abuse—physical violence or infidelity—as “real” reasons to leave or speak up. But abuse isn’t always visible. It’s not always bruises or betrayal by another person.

So much of the harm in relationships is silent. It’s subtle. It’s the wounds that bruise your heart, not your body. It’s the constant self-doubt, the second-guessing, the gaslighting that makes you question your reality.

Cheating isn’t just sleeping with someone else. It can be secrecy about major aspects of life, financial deception, controlling decisions without consultation, isolation, or dictating your life. It’s taking away your identity piece by piece while making you feel like your complaints are invalid.

When someone says, *“But he didn’t hit you. He didn’t cheat on you. So what’s the problem?”* the message is clear: your pain isn’t valid unless it’s extreme. But that’s simply not true. Severity isn’t measured by what others can see—it’s measured by what you feel.

Abuse in relationships takes countless invisible forms. Emotional abuse, control, manipulation, isolation, financial domination…these are all real. And if you’re feeling this pain, your voice matters. You are valid. Your feelings are valid.

So don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Invisible doesn’t mean insignificant. Hurt doesn’t have to leave a mark to be real.

23/10/2025

At first, Malala didn't like her therapist....!

23/10/2025

✨ Self-Care Isn’t What You Think It Is

Self-care isn’t just about bubble baths, cups of tea, long walks, or catching up with friends.
Those things help — but they’re not the full picture.

Sometimes, we overindulge in those activities not because they heal us, but because they help us avoid what’s really going on inside.

You can be doing all the “right” things — exercising, meditating, working hard, meeting people — and still not truly be taking care of yourself if you’re using them to escape your emotions or your past.

True self-care means looking inward.
It’s asking yourself:

What am I avoiding?

What pain am I running from?

What part of me still feels unhealed?

If just thinking about something makes you tense up, cringe, or feel uncomfortable — that’s your body’s way of saying, “Hey, this still needs attention.”

Avoidance doesn’t make pain disappear. It only buries it.
And buried pain has a way of showing up later — through burnout, irritability, unhealthy habits, or even physical symptoms.

Coping strategies aren’t meant to be distractions.
They’re meant to help you balance your life — emotionally, physically, spiritually, socially, and creatively.

If you find yourself overdoing one thing — working, exercising, socialising — it might be time to pause and ask, “What am I not facing?”

Because real self-care isn’t always comfortable or relaxing.
Sometimes, it’s sitting with yourself.
It’s setting boundaries.
It’s saying, “I need to stop running.”

Only when you face yourself can you truly take care of yourself. 💛

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Usha's Counselling | Are sudden changes leaving you uncertain or stressed? Do you need support to find clarity and your next step? Compassionate online counselling is here for you.

14/10/2025

"What is counselling, really?"
Quite often, people come to me not quite understanding what counselling actually is — and I completely get that. It can sound like an interesting yet strange concept, especially if you’ve never been before, or if it’s not something that’s commonly talked about in your circles.

Maybe you’ve heard of counselling but aren’t quite sure what it means, what happens in a session, or how it could help you. If you find yourself in any of those categories, this is for you.

Below, I’ve put together some common questions people often have about counselling — whether you’re just curious, considering it for the first time, or looking for a bit of clarity before reaching out. Hopefully, they’ll help you find the answers you’re looking for.

And if you’re interested in booking a session, please don’t hesitate to reach out — you can message me at +230 5841 2640. Or email at ushascounselling@gmail.com

New to counselling? This FAQ page answers your questions and helps you understand what counselling can offer.

24/09/2025

''So many women stay because of family. They think, “I made a promise, I have to honor it, I need to keep the family together.” But let’s be real: when we take vows, we promise to stand together “in sickness and in health”—not “in safety and in violence.” Abuse was never part of the deal.''

BBC News - How I found the confidence to leave my abusive husband after 47 years
https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cx2jpmk0lvgo

This is a short article about a woman who finally escaped an abusive marriage after 47 years. And it really struck me, because so often we assume that the longer a marriage lasts, the more “successful” it must be. But length doesn’t equal success—whether it’s in a relationship or even in a job. We need to be wary of making that assumption.

What I loved in her story was that she found freedom through something quite unexpected: a new hobby she picked up later in life. That hobby gave her new skills, new confidence, and probably new connections. It opened her up to a different world. And most importantly, it eventually gave her financial stability. That independence was the key that allowed her to leave safely. Because the truth is, without money or stability, many women simply cannot walk away from abusive partners.

This woman is in her 60s, part of a generation that lived through the 70s, 80s, and 90s, when domestic violence was often minimized or dismissed. It wasn’t taken seriously. And while today we’re still far from solving the problem, at least there’s more awareness, more education, and better support than there was back then. But for women who married during that earlier era, leaving is often even harder.

There’s also something called the “sunk cost fallacy”—the idea that because you’ve already invested so much time or effort into something, you feel you have to stick with it. Many women think, “Well, I’ve already stayed for 10, 20, 30 years. What’s the point of leaving now?” That mindset traps people in unhappy or even unsafe situations.

And then there are children. So many women stay because of family. They think, “I made a promise, I have to honor it, I need to keep the family together.” But let’s be real: when we take vows, we promise to stand together “in sickness and in health”—not “in safety and in violence.” Abuse was never part of the deal.

Another powerful part of her story is how many women minimize their own suffering because they feel their abuse “wasn’t bad enough.” Maybe their partner didn’t hit them, or didn’t cheat on them, so they question whether what they went through even counts. Society, and sometimes even partners themselves, gaslight women into believing that only physical abuse is “real abuse.” But abuse comes in many forms—emotional, financial, psychological, verbal—and it’s all valid.

That’s why I think this article is worth reading. It’s short, easy to take in, but deeply resonant. Women who have stayed in long marriages—whether marked by abuse or simply by relationships that no longer work—will find themselves reflected in her story.

Highland woman Eve Graham endured physical, mental and financial abuse during her long marriage.

23/09/2025

✨ Failure isn’t the opposite of success — it’s part of it.

We often discount our failures, seeing them as worthless or something to hide. But failure is not a dead end. Every setback gives us experience. It teaches us what not to do, and equips us with the knowledge to try again, differently and more wisely.

Just like building with Lego — both the blue and the red bricks matter. Success isn’t built from wins alone; it’s built from everything we’ve lived through: joy, heartbreak, achievements, tragedies, lessons, and second chances.

I don’t see myself as a failure. I see myself as a work in progress — shaped by every experience, not just the good ones. That’s what growth mindset is all about: shifting from “I failed, I’m a failure” to “I’ve learned something that will help me next time.”

If you’re feeling weighed down by failure, or struggling to see the value in your setbacks, know this: you don’t have to carry that weight alone.
💬 Reach out — let’s talk, reflect, and rebuild together.

18/09/2025

One event. Three perspectives. All valid.

A team meeting runs 20 minutes longer than planned:
• One person feels frustrated — “My schedule is ruined!”
• Another feels inspired — “We finally solved that problem!”
• Someone else worries — “Did I talk too much?”

Same event, different truths.

Our perspectives are shaped by experiences, values, cultures, beliefs, even the season of life we’re in. That’s why we sometimes clash: “Why can’t they see it my way?” The truth is, they haven’t lived your story — your challenges, your upbringing, the people who shaped you. And you haven’t lived theirs.

Empathy means pausing to listen, trying to understand, and accepting that two people can view the same moment through completely different lenses. Neither has to be “wrong,” and both can be right.

Even siblings raised under one roof don’t share identical parents; timing, birth order, gender, and family dynamics shape them differently (as Gabor Maté points out). One child may remember a parent as warm and nurturing, another may recall feeling smothered by that same love.

When conflict arises, remembering this softens the edges: perspectives aren’t fixed facts — they’re stories built from our unique journeys.

✨ If you’re struggling to bridge the gap between your view and someone else’s, or you’d like to understand your own story more deeply, I’d love to help. Send me a message or book a counselling session — together we can explore new ways of seeing, listening, and connecting.