26/09/2024
4 REASONS YOUR CONFLICTS DEFY CONFLICT MANAGEMENT SKILLS, part 1
Have you often wondered why, despite learning conflict resolution skills, you seem unable to use them when it matters?
Your conflict quickly becomes negative; you find yourself criticizing or shorting down your partner's attempts to pull you into a fight.
The first major flaw I find as I work with couples having difficulty agreeing or compromising is that they approach their conflict as a zero-sum game; when one partner wins, the other has to lose.
I hear all shades of this in sessions; 'the problem in our marriage is because my partner has refused to listen to me.' 'If only my partner would cooperate, we would not be here.' 'Everyone we have spoken to has agreed with the solution I proffered, but my partner is hell-bent on having his way.'
The challenge, however, is conflict management is a team sport. Partners must see themselves as members of the same team and work on the best approach to tackle the challenge before them.
It may look like an inconsequential shift because you both still hold different perspectives, but it is the mindset shift that you require to let you have the emotional frame for a productive conversation to happen.
Often, when clients come in for their first session with me, they look like soldiers, each representing different armies. They both look away and do not want to sit on the same sofa. It is easy to see the gulf that separates them.
The first step of my intervention focuses on deescalating the tension between them because I know that only friends can work through disagreement amicably.
Only when they can have a friendly conversation, show affection or laugh together do we begin looking into the conflicts that led them to me in the first place.
Usually, the time frame to get a couple here differs depending on how polarized the relationship has become and how long the couple has been in distress.
You can enjoy a more rewarding and fulfilling relationship, I have designed the Couples Repair Intelligence Program (CRIP) to help integrate these principles into your marriage.
Ask me how you can be part of CRIP today.
Nancy Oblete
