11/12/2022
Honesty doesnât mean simply pouring out your âuncensored truthâ to anyone who will listen, or anyone in the vicinity.
âSharing your feelingsâ is not actually always the kindest, most attuned or most conscious thing to do.
Yes, letâs be real and honest with each other! Of course. Letâs come out of hiding and reveal our authenticity. Let's break the spell of shame in relationship and courageously show who we truly are. Of course.
But â and this is also crucial - letâs keep, and develop, our discernment. Attunement. Sensitivity, to what we need, yes - but also deep sensitivity to where the other person is, a profound care about their inner life, too.
Otherwise âIâm only sharing MY raw truth!ââŠ
is simply narcissism, self-absorption, ego, in disguise.
Itâs not always loving, kind, or helpful to share your deepest truth â your anger, your sorrow, your fear, your pain, your opinions, your advice, your profound spiritual realizations â with someone who hasnât signed up to receive, or isnât able to receive, or doesnât want to receive, or doesnât have the capacity to receive them.
We can be authentic, AND we be very respectful and aware of other peopleâs boundaries, feelings and needs. We can be sensitive to their willingness to receive our words and feelings.
Their ability to listen. How they are managing their energies. What they can handle on any given day. Their own pain and trauma. The demons they are secretly fighting (the ones we may never know about). Who they feel close to, and safe with, and trusting of.
We can learn to ask before we splurge our stories, share our private inner lives, speak our deepest truths and opinions and judgements, express our âraw and uncensored selfâ to another.
Otherwise we are just dumping our sacred inner world on them, using others as receptacles for our own pain, fear, loneliness and the unmetabolized regions of our psyche. This is not kind to others, and ultimately not kind to ourselves.
Because our holy innards deserve a safe and committed holding environment, too.
Yes, letâs be âhonest and realâ with each other. Letâs tell our unvarnished truth⊠to those who are open and willing and ready and able to listen, to those who have signed up for this sacred work and who have the capacity to hold our truth. A therapist. A good friend. A partner. A family member. Someone who has committed to offering their time and heart and to listening to us in this way.
Yes, letâs âspeak our truthâ, bravely and loudly if we want or need to.
But letâs also learn when to stop talking sometimes. And breathe. And be still. And listen. And open our awareness in a different way. Ask about the other person. Find out what they want, and need, and are able to offer, and hold, and process. Get deliciously curious about their inner world, too.
There is a time for speaking, and a time for silence. A time for sharing our deepest inner life, and a time for listening too. A time for being together, and a time for being alone. A time for coming closer, and a time for giving each other space. A time for "telling our raw truth", and a time for... well, holding our truth close, and waiting, and cultivating patience, and perhaps finding an alternative outlet. Sometimes that is the kindest thing. To not share. Or to wait. Or to listen instead.
Having said all this, there is no right or wrong way. There is only this mysterious and never-ending dance to which we are all invited.
- Jeff Foster