28/11/2024
The longing for happiness
-
This week I had a session where a client was telling me about her longing: “A few years ago I was much happier than I am right now. I want to be back in time. Either that, or find happiness again as soon as possible. Anything is better than being here, feeling unhappy.”
Then, she asked me: “Are you happy?”
The first moment, I was a little taken aback by that direct question. I needed a moment to think about this.
Am I happy? And what is ‘happiness’ actually to me?
I think there is no such thing as happiness by itself. I know moments of happiness, and I know these moments because I also know moments of unhappiness. One cannot exist without the other. And even, paradoxically enough, I’ve found that when I let myself feel unhappy without fighting those feelings, happiness can appear by itself. Not always a loud, colourful kind of happiness. Sometimes also a quiet, content, soft version. Like a comforting blanket that I can put around all varieties of feelings that come and go.
Probably, that is happiness to me.
And, of course, I do know moments where I fight against feelings of unhappiness and where I long for happiness myself.
So what I finally said was something like: “I feel more and more content with feeling sometimes happy and sometimes not, and probably that is happiness to me.”
-
Happiness is often viewed as the ultimate goal in life, something that we should strive for. Many therapies, coach trajectories, advertise it. Products claim to let you reach this goal.
I think that actually leads to a lot of unhappiness. The solution seems to be at another point than where you are right now. You need to get from (A) to (B). You feel unhappy (A) and you need to be happy (B).
Suffering comes from fighting against what is. When it rains and you want sunshine you can fight against it and feel miserable. Still, you cannot win from reality.
-
What I can support you in is to learn to be at (A). To let your emotions be there, exactly as they are. And thereby to allow your system to regulate them. And paradoxically, then the feeling might shift, because the clinging stops.
-
I’m curious: What is happiness to you? Would you consider yourself happy?