GoodTherapy

05/10/2025

Power in relationships (real or perceived) has a big impact on the ways in which we communicate.
The example below is using organisational examples but is just as useful in any relationship domain.
Perspective taking is indeed a relationship superpower!
It’s the power you want to develop for increasing your relationship mindfulness practise.
🌻

One skill separates great communicators from average ones:

Perspective-taking.

The ability to see things from someone else’s point of view.

But most people do it wrong.

Here’s how to do it right, especially when you’re leading or being led:

When you’re the boss, persuading down:

You’re trying to convince Maria on your team to do something different.

She’s pushing back.

Your instinct might be to assert your authority.

But that’s a mistake.

Here’s why…

Research shows:

The more powerful you feel, the worse your perspective-taking becomes.

More power = less understanding.

So if you want to persuade Maria, don’t lean into your title.

Do the opposite: dial your power down, just briefly.

Try this:

Before the next conversation, remind yourself:

Maria has power too.
I need her buy-in.
Maybe she sees something I don’t.

Lower your feelings of power to raise your perspective.

From that place, ask:

→ What does she see that I’m missing?
→ What might be in her way?
→ What’s a win-win outcome?

That shift changes the entire dynamic.

Instead of steamrolling, you’re collaborating.

And that’s how you earn trust and results.

Now flip it.

You’re the employee persuading your boss.

It’s a high-stakes moment.

You’re nervous.

So do you appeal to emotion?

No.

Drop the feelings. Focus on interests.

Here’s the key question:

“What’s in it for them?”

Not how you feel. Not your big dream.

→ Will it save time?
→ Improve performance?
→ Help them hit their goals?

Make it about their world, not yours.

Why?

Because every boss has a mental shortcut:

→ Does this employee make my life easier or harder?

Be the person who brings clarity, ideas, and upside.

Not complaints, drama, or friction.

In summary:

→ Persuading down? Dial down your power to see clearer.
→ Persuading up? Focus on their interests, not your emotions.

Perspective-taking is a superpower, if you learn how to use it.

Now practice, practice, practice.

04/10/2025

Questions as a Love Language; The link between Self-blame and Depression; Dealing with Annoying People.... + more

In line with the name of my newsletter "How To Be Imperfect", it is two months late! But here it is:

This is an old post from Nicole Le Pera (the Holistic Psychologist), but is so worth a re-look. When partners make the effort to be interested in each other, intimacy, closeness, & safety flourishes. Lack of truly curious and open questions will spell trouble for any relationship. In my work I see t...

01/10/2025

This is an old post from Nicole Le Pera (the Holistic Psychologist), but is so worth repeating.

When partners make the effort to be interested in each other, intimacy, closeness, & safety flourishes.

Lack of truly curious and open questions will spell trouble for any relationship. In my work I see that this creates a lot of stress and also loneliness.

Help your partner to feel really loved through the *open* questions you ask…. about everything!

28/09/2025

Defensiveness = Selfishness

It’s the opposite of being curious about whats important to your partner. It’s a gift to the biosphere of your relationship to reduce this as much as you can.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DLidEppz-QR/?igsh=Y3poZmd2YTB0NXJl

17/09/2025

Please and thank you.
Simple & good relationship advice!

27/08/2025

True words!
"Most people think love is proven in the good times. It’s not.
It’s what you do after the damage has been done that tells the truth about your relationship.
Repair is the skill that holds everything else together."

11/08/2025

Ask Death! An interesting substack to subscribe to, always has interesting perspectives to share. Here is the latest:

How am I going to pay rent?

07/08/2025

Love this guys work… 😁

it’s worth saying that even tho the actual clinical diagnosis is rare, and this word gets thrown around a LOT… the truth is we all have these tendancies, and they are worth watching out for!

23/07/2025

“I need space!!”… a common retort when couples are in conflict. Well, here’s the truth on that. Yes take space… but you need to re-engage! Do not use space to punish your partner. All you’re doing is punishing the relationship (and therefore yourself as well)

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DMa1twri07y/?igsh=ZGE4c2cxOTBzdGgz

22/07/2025

An "Emotionally Avoidant" society... especially when it comes to grief. This makes it so difficult for us to contact our grief.

Dr. Joanne Cacciatore has a wonderful book called "Bearing the Unbearable", which I read years ago and loved. Here she is with a three min video talking about the *physiological effects* of turning away from our grief. Below is the blurb to go with the video in case you miss reading it!

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Emotional avoidance (EA) is the tendency to evade distressing feelings and thoughts and memories. It is a core component of something we, researchers, call experiential avoidance. Importantly, EA has profound consequences for both emotional, mental, and physical health.
We often talk about the physiological impact of bereavement. We rarely talk specifically about the physiological impact of avoiding emotions associated with bereavement and society's role in the promotion and maintenance of such avoidance.
A growing body of research suggests that chronic, and both conscious and unconscious, emotional avoidance of grief can incite dysregulation of various bodily systems, impair immune function, and increase the risk of long-term health complications (Stroebe et al., 2007; Shallcross et al., 2010).
Emotional avoidance has been shown to activate the sympathetic nervous system and the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis, leading to heightened and prolonged stress responses (Brosschot et al., 2006). This state of chronic stress arousal is associated with higher levels of cortisol, thus inflammation, and autonomic systems imbalance. These chronic and sustained changes can contribute to adverse physical outcomes (this includes cardiovascular risk, diminished immune function, and metabolic disorders (Appleton et al., 2013). For example, some studies have shown higher levels of pro-inflammatory cytokines and C-reactive protein (CRP)—biomarkers of systemic inflammation linked to heart disease and even cancer (Fagundes et al., 2013), heightened cortisol output, increased blood pressure (Stanton et al, 2000), and increased inflammatory responses, particularly when emotions were chronically suppressed or avoided.
Notably, EA predicts poor sleep quality, which exacerbates immune suppression and metabolic dysfunction (Shallcross et al., 2010; Ong et al., 2010). Poor sleep further perpetuates the biological toll of unprocessed grief, compounding risk for chronic illness.
Avoidant coping styles are also associated with lower levels of interleukin-6 and reduced natural killer (NK) cell activity, essential to immune system (Kohut et al., 2006).
In addition to these direct physiological effects, emotional avoidance indirectly harms health by fostering social withdrawal, reducing the likelihood of seeking support, and increasing reliance on maladaptive behaviors such as substance use, disordered eating, and physical inactivity (Berking et al., 2008). I wonder if this creates a cyclical relationship between unaddressed grief and somatic decline.
While EA may provide temporary relief for the bereaved, it carries significant and measurable physical costs. Through its dysregulation of the stress response, suppression of immune function, and promotion of maladaptive health behaviors, avoidance contributes to a wide range of health risks. The bereaved need support in safely engaging with their grief—rather than avoiding it— and they don't need surveillance. They need compassion. They need others to model approaching behaviors and, to build that 'emotional muscle' I'm always talking about, they need others to "spot" them, to help them carry the weight of grief until their muscles can carry more of it. An emotionally avoidant society is not helpful, nor healthy, for grievers.

Emotional avoidance (EA) is the tendency to evade distressing feelings and thoughts and memories. It is a core component of something we, researchers, call e...

09/07/2025

Learning how to behave and communicate RELATIONALLY… in those moments when you’re triggered.
This I believe is the true work of relationship.

And the hardest work! But if you work on this, focusing on your own reactivity, your relationship will blossom.

Learn to spot when your adaptive child is running the show.
Stop. Breathe. Repair if necessary. And keep on moving… and remembering love.

28/06/2025

How you communicate your needs to your partner will likely be one of the most important determining factors around whether your partner will meet those needs.
The good news is this: It's also the one thing that is within your complete control.

Pay attention to **how you say things**

It's a tragic fact that many couples destroy their relationships trying to get their needs met.When your needs are met, you feel safe, secure, loved.Simple.The trouble begins when needs aren't being met.Because needs have a language, and how you speak this language determines what happens next. Will...