Teenage Toolbox

24/09/2024

The Pathologising of Behaviour and Medicating of Symptoms: Does it always work?

Six months ago, a mother attended sessions with her 14-year-old daughter.

Six medical assessments over seven years identified her behaviour as; defiance, rebellion, uncontrolled emotional outbursts and refusal to attend school. Aggression towards her mother included shouting, screaming, punching, kicking, physical violence, and smashing and breaking objects in the house. She not only repeatedly shouted that she hated her mother and wanted to kill her, but was also physically violent towards her younger brother. Her mother was a solo parent and was desperate to get the help that she needed for her daughter.

The reports included pregnancy, childbirth, and early years development history. It identified behavioural difficulties, separation anxiety, sensory sensitivity, mood disorders, hoarding, general anxiety disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, and obsessive-compulsive disorder. One report diagnosed ADHD, and another autism spectrum condition.

Treatment included prescribing several medications, including sertraline and risperidone, as well as CBT, DBT, social skills training, educational support and medication reviews.

In my interactions between mother and daughter, I witnessed a desperate attempt to get the mother's attention and a desire to punish her when she did. She was permanently conflicted between needing her mother and feeling a deep hatred towards her, which was violently expressed.

Although the reports mentioned the only trauma being her parent's separation when she was nine, my observations pointed to significant unprocessed grief and loss at two, when her brother arrived on the scene.

A child of fourteen cannot in talking therapy verbalise an experience at the age of two, but what was displayed through somatic work was a range of complex emotions, including anger, grief, fear, sadness, jealousy and abandonment, around the event.
The aim of sessions, therefore, was to help the child experience the loss of exclusivity, fear of replacement, a change in routine, grief for her old life, confusion around her emotions, tantrums, irritability, anger towards her sibling and hatred towards her mother.

Following a therapy programme through grief and loss therapy, creative therapy, somatic exercises, sensory modulation, polyvagal theory, and internal family systems, after only two months, there were no signs of destructive behaviour. In addition, the daughter reintegrated into school, and her relationship with her mum was re-established. The child felt seen and heard.

Therefore, my questions are: Why do we focus on pathologising behaviour when clients often need help putting into words an experience they cannot locate? Moreover, why do we still focus on behaviour control and management when it generally indicates an unresolved or underlying unmet need?

www.teenagetoolbox.com

10/05/2024

On DOUBTING

There are many who doubt.

In my line of work, I see individuals who doubt their relationship can recover, doubt the mortgage or rent will be paid, and doubt they will get the job they want.

Others doubt they will heal from the sickness they face, doubt their teenager will be okay, and doubt they are able to overcome the overwhelm of the person they have lost or manage the grief, the loss and the pain.

Doubt is a human instinct. It's fear-based and a healthy survival response. Yet, it can dominate our lives and who we are. When it does that, it brings restriction, isolation, loneliness, and helplessness.

The opposite of doubt is faith!
But how can we have faith when we face so much hardship, when situations don't change and when the enormity of life's struggles stare us so glaringly in the face?

The answer is we have to keep believing - even when things are dark. We must search for the light in the knowledge that it is still there. We must push through when we've used that last piece of strength.

Faith is the substance of things 'hoped for' and the evidence of things that remain unseen. We call in that which isn't, and we live as though it were!

My first published book 'TAKEN' tells the story of trauma, tragedy, loss and pain. It describes how hopelessness set in and the darkness invaded all light. Yet in the isolation and loneliness of the doubt, there was always some tiny sign that seemed to say 'carry on'. It was a smile from a stranger in the street, a flower that dropped onto my doorstep, a rainbow that broke through the rain clouds, or a billboard that said 'You're never alone'.

Doubt is a natural part of the human experience stemming from a lack of evidence, conflicting information, or personal insecurity. By contrast, faith is a belief or trust in something, often without substantial proof or evidence. It's a deeply personal conviction that something is accurate, reliable, or meaningful, even in the absence of complete understanding or validation.

So, how can we have faith?

1. Keep a Gratitude Journal: Write down ten things you are grateful for in your day, every night in a journal. When we witness positive outcomes or seek to find profound moments in the midst of our hopelessness, we open the door to change and strengthen our faith in the things of tomorrow we have not yet seen!

2. Intuition and Emotion: Faith can also arise from intuition or emotional resonance. Sometimes, when we feel a deep sense of connection or conviction about something that defies logical explanation, we are creating a possibility for that thing we sense to become physically manifest.

3. Connection and Community: Many find faith through the rhythms of life. Belonging to a community and connecting with others helps bring support, validation and guidance, which can nurture and sustain our faith.

4. Openness: Being open to the possibility of faith is crucial. It requires a willingness to explore, question, and embrace beliefs that may initially seem unfamiliar or challenging.

Having faith is a profoundly personal journey shaped by a complex interplay of experiences, reasoning, emotions, and community. It's about finding meaning, purpose, and trust in something greater than oneself, even in uncertainty and doubt.

Can you find the courage and bravery to step into the joy of the unknown while also embracing the hardship of the now? That's where miracles take place! That's where the unfolding can happen, and the impossible can become real.

Can you wrestle with the questions, uncertainties, and challenges while acknowledging that what isn't yet seen is still possible?

Trauma and tragedy are never far away, but the lessons and messages in life aren't found in what happens to us but in how we deal with and respond to the now.

Faith is found in the sure knowledge and certainty of what is uncertain and unseen, while love and peace are found in that secret place deep inside where no one else can go.

(This is written in deep gratitude to a stranger who came into my life and brought into reality that which never seemed possible.)

Www.teenagetoolbox.com

08/05/2024

Most young people who engage in S*lf-H*rm never receive professional help. Why?

Because it's one of the challenges that carries maximum stigma, shame, and social isolation.

If you are a parent who is concerned your child may be s*elf h*arming, you may well be horrified. In addition, you may be concerned how to react, what to do and how not to make it worse.

Learn how to support your child who is struggling with self-harm by understanding the signs, providing a safe space, and seeking help. FREE!

07/05/2024

Reminder:

'HATE MYSELF, HATE MY LIFE: A Teenage Guide to Finding Self-Confidence and Inner Love', is in over two-thirds of NZ High School libraries.

A parent copy is a must to grasp six basic teen parenting topics.
Here Jo and Sue chat to NewsHub.
(for a copy email teenagetoolbox@gmail.com)

When you're a teenager, life can feel pretty hard at times.

25/10/2023

RESCUING

So many times in Mental Health I'd love to rescue a client.

Teenagers self-harming, suicidation and psychological shutdown so extreme that psychosis has set in.

But the role of the therapist isn't to rescue or to send in the helicopter but to sit alongside and just meet a client wherever they are at.

Compassion
Warmth
Human connection
Gentleness
Hearing
Seeing
Validating the experience
Acknowledging the pain
Being alongside

No philosophy, no theories, or principals, no opinions or views.

True healing comes when another human soul reaches into the pain and is just present. Just there. And is able to be with what ever is.

Www.teenagetoolbox.com

26/09/2023

PARENTING THROUGH SELF-HARM

Parenting teens today is tough and the challenges are immense.

Sudden adolescent mood swings are one thing but how do we navigate when we discover one of our children is self-harming?

Anger is a normal parent response at seeing for the first time a child purposely harm themselves. And that anger needs to be understood and addressed because underneath it exposes our own vulnerability.

If you're in Auckland on Tuesday 17th October come along to The Devonport Community House hosting Teenage Toolbox at 7.30pm and learn some tools and strategies to work with your child, as well as your own feelings and emotions that arise.

* How should we talk to a child who is self-harming?
* Understand what's happening to them
* How do I regulate my own feelings and emotions?
* Where can I get help?
* What can I do at home to support my child through?

For more info visit www.teenagetoolbox.com

18/09/2023

TUESDAY NIGHT FOR PARENTS! 19 September 2023

Don't miss this important topic of Managing your child's teenagers Anxiety!
Primary parents welcome too to avoid those looming teen years!

Teenage Toolbox: Equipping teens and parents with resources and tools for survival!

13/09/2023

MENTAL HEALTH and PARENTING
I regularly get asked about 'Teenage Toolbox' Mental Health & Parenting Talks, so attach posters here.

Firstly, there are 5 upcoming talks at The Devonport Community House. The first is this Saturday, an event for Mental Health Awareness Week. It introduces the topic of our kid's mental health.

This is followed by 4 monthly talks on Tuesdays starting next Tuesday 19th.

Lastly, there's a Teacher Training talk if any of you are teachers - or interested in your teachers being trained!

Critically these talks aren't only aimed at cliff edge rescue! Therefore, primary parents are very welcome to attend as well as secondary to find out what's necessary to PREVENT many of the current issues we're facing in mental health.
Talks include anxiety, depression, va**ng, self-harm, drugs & alcohol, diagnosable behaviours, ADHD, the Highly Sensitive Child, s*x, p**n, social media, device use, addiction, academic pressure, relationships, regulating emotions, and so much more.
As well as presenting information, these sessions will also allow an open forum for discussion or asking questions!

Www.teenagetoolbox.com

Posters as below. Do please do print out or share as needed!

09/07/2023

ARE YOU FEELING HURT/UPSET/ANGRY?

There's nothing worse than the intense feelings that come with anger, hurt and pain.

When a friend makes a critical comment, when a relationship ends, when we face an injustice, when a job goes badly, when a parent is unfair or when being a parent doesn't work - can frustrate the hell out of us and suddenly our happy day is turned upside down with turmoil.

How we deal with our feelings and emotions is critical to how quickly we are able to restore equilibrium.

Tragically society no longer offers us the opportunities to regulate through daily singinging, dancing, music, story telling, laughter, community, connections, animals, rhythmical activities, nature, exercise, rituals, and ceremonies.

Instead of natural soothing and healing strategies we are left feeling overwhelmed, depressed, or suffering from anxiety.

In the absense of a natural release we try and numb feelings through alcohol, drugs, shopping, consumerism, busyness, work addiction, over or under eating, exercise addiction, social media, gaming, dissociation and avoidance, and s*x addiction.

Few of us are able to feel those overwhelming feelings without quickly numbing them.

FEELING the feelings is essential. Being uncomfortable IN them is key.

How?

1. When a feeling arises notice the physiology of the body change. Notice your heart rate, breathing, tension in muscles, any tightness in neck, jaw, face.
Just sit and notice.
Your body is working well because it's recognising threat. Thank it and be with it.

2. Do some breathing exercises. 4-7-8 is a good one. Breathe in over 4 seconds, hold for 7 seconds and breath out over 8 seconds. Repeat as many times as you can until you feel a wave of calm come. Breathing is the fastest way to get your heart rate down and send messages to your brain that you are safe. (NB if there is real threat, instead of perceived threat, then you don't want to get heart rate down - you want to fight or run!).

3. Strong emotions will come in waves. At first BIG ones. Imagine they are like waves at sea rolling in. Can you just watch them, feel them and allow them to come. Stopping them is the problem because in doing so we end up storing them and getting anxious, depressed or sick. What else can our poor bodies do with them if we don't allow them to pass?

4. Your body will tell you what you need. Don't ignore it! If you need to get the wave energy out then scream (alone - not at someone). I find the best place to do this is in the car alone when no one can hear! Hit and kick a punch bag or bean bag. Cry it out. Shake it out. Sleep it out. Use EFT tapping to soothe it out. Again notice the waves and give the bigger ones what they need and the littler ones what they need too.

5. NOTICE when you want to go to the fridge, pour a drink or do your usual avoidance/numbing/escaping thing. Just watch yourself and be in awareness. What does that thing give you? Can you give that to yourself through mindfulness, meditation, a walk etc?

Lastly, give yourself extra love. Think of positive thoughts. Light a candle, take the dog for a walk and when you do allow the waves to roll in and out. It's uncomfortable - but a lot more comfortable than getting sick a few years down the line by not befriending ALL your emotions and allowing them to be present.

Give it a go and practise practise practise. Nothing changes instantly, but regular awareness is what empowers eventual, long lasting growth.

Sue O'Callaghan
Truama Therapist

06/07/2023

IMPACTED BY TRAUMA??

Did you know that traditional 'talk therapy', or 'counselling' is NOT the only form of healing?

The essential parts are often overlooked by counsellors. The key elements of trauma healing are:

1. Discovering ways to embody a sense of safety.

The first steps in trauma therapy are ALWAYS to put a safety plan into place. Trauma is about being unsafe, so no therapy can take place and no healing can occur until you are safe in relationships, places, routines etc.

2. Exploring ways to calm and regulate the nervous system.

A trauma response is a dysregulated nervous system so addressing grounding, resourcing and stabilising are key.

3. Learning how to release trauma stored in the subconscious.

You cannot have control over what is subconscious. The role of therapy is to bring into consciousness the unconscious. When it's conscious we have choice!

4. Adopting practical daily habits to alleviate the physiological symptoms of trauma.

Trauma symptoms cripple lives. Learning many healing strategies means we can do small daily practices to alienate pain, memories and the physiological response in the body.

Make sure you find a therapist who is qualified or trained in trauma, if you want to work through trauma.

Trauma therapy requires a multidisciplinary response that won't be solved through talk therapy alone.

04/07/2023

INVEST IN YOUR CHILDREN'S FRIENDS!

"Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health; safe connections are fundamental to meaningful and satisfying lives."

Bessel A. van der Kolk

01/07/2023

Four things to exchange if you want to live in JOY!!!

Fear for LOVE

Bitterness for FORGIVENESS

Isolation for UNITY

Scarcity for ABUNDANCE

01/07/2023

Here's my latest chat - helping your kids emotionally regulate!

Enjoy!

Sue O’Callaghan When Our Kids Can’t Cope & Regulating Our Nervous Systems - 23 Jun 2023

30/06/2023

What your kid has something to say VALIDTAE THEM.

It doesn't matter your opinion or judgement. Leave it out until after repeating back what you e heard them say.

When they feel you've heard then you can ask if they'd like your opinion or help!

In therapy the absense of validating your child means they tell me they aren't listened to!

Enjoy practising your skills!