03/09/2025
“Funerals serve the living, so ‘no fuss’ doesn’t help”
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“I don't want any fuss when I go,” Ewan told his daughter firmly. “Just get rid of me quietly and move on with your lives.” He meant it kindly—a practical man trying to spare his family expense and bother. But when he died six months later, his daughter was distraught. “We've done exactly what Dad wanted,” she said, “but it doesn't feel like enough. We need something to mark his life, to say goodbye properly. Does that make us selfish?”
It doesn't make them selfish at all. It makes them human. When guiding families through these decisions, the most challenging conversations aren't about elaborate services versus simple ones—they’re about helping people understand that funerals serve the living, not the dead.
When good intentions create grief
57% of New Zealanders feel uncomfortable discussing death, often avoiding the topic entirely (research from Public Trust). Many people, like Ewan, approach end-of-life planning with the best intentions, wanting to reduce burden on their families. ‘No fuss’ becomes their default, driven by practicality, humility, or genuine care for those they’ll leave behind.
But the person who says ‘no fuss’ isn’t thinking about their family’s emotional needs during grief. They’re imagining their own discomfort with ceremony, not their children’s need for closure, their spouse’s desire for community support, or their grandchildren’s confusion about where Grandpa went.
“Every human being in this world is unique. They are welcomed into this world by the living. They should be farewelled from this world by the living. It’s a gift to be able to say goodbye to someone you love and not feel alone in your grief.”
The Collins family learned this lesson when their father insisted on “direct cremation, no service, no gathering.” When he died, they honoured his wishes exactly—but found themselves emotionally adrift. “We had nowhere to cry together,” his son explained. “No moment where people could share memories or acknowledge Dad’s impact. Six months later, we realised we needed something, so we held a memorial gathering in his workshop. It helped, but we wished we’d had it when the grief was fresh.”
Balancing wishes with needs
The art of end-of-life planning lies in balancing personal preferences with family needs. This requires honest conversations about both sides of the equation. When someone says they want ‘nothing fancy,’ the follow-up question should be: “What would help your family feel they’ve said goodbye properly?”
We recently worked with a woman whose husband had terminal cancer. Initially, he wanted “just cremation, nothing else”—until she gently explained to him how important it would be for their adult children to have a moment to share memories and receive community support. They reached a compromise: a simple service at their local community centre with his favourite music and a shared meal afterwards. He got the low-key farewell he preferred, whilst his family got what they needed to say goodbye properly.
This balance matters enormously. Research shows that attending funerals has a positive effect on the grief journey for nearly 80% of families. When we deny families this opportunity in the name of ‘no fuss,’ we may unintentionally complicate their healing process.
Starting the conversation differently
Rather than asking “What do you want for your funeral?” try asking “What would help your family most when you’re gone?” This shifts the focus from personal discomfort to family care, making the conversation feel less morbid and more practical.
You might begin with: “Mum, I know you don’t want us to make a fuss, but we’re going to need some way to process losing you. What would feel right for both you and us?” This acknowledges their preferences whilst expressing your family’s emotional needs.
Current events often provide natural openings. After attending someone else’s service, you might comment: “That gathering really helped everyone share memories and support each other. I know you don’t want anything elaborate, but would something simple like that work for our family when the time comes?”
Finding middle ground
I’ve noticed that the most successful end-of-life discussions involve exploring what ‘meaningful’ looks like for each family. Some discover that their loved one’s objection to ‘fuss’ disappears when they understand the emotional necessity of gathering.
The Funeral Directors Association’s My Life, My Farewell resource booklet includes prompts specifically about balancing personal wishes with family needs. It can provide helpful structure for these conversations, moving beyond personal preferences to consider everyone affected by your death.
The gift of planning together
The most meaningful end-of-life planning happens when families discuss needs openly. This might mean someone who wants ‘nothing fancy’ agrees to a simple service because they understand their family’s need for closure. Or it might mean families accepting their loved one’s preference for minimal ceremony whilst finding other ways to process their grief together.
Remember that avoiding these conversations doesn’t eliminate decision-making—it just transfers all the choices to your grieving family at their most vulnerable time. The gift is helping your loved ones understand how to honour you whilst caring for their own emotional needs.
Those conversations you’re avoiding today could become your family’s roadmap through their darkest time. The greatest kindness is in giving them the guidance they’ll desperately need when you’re no longer there to ask.
If you’d like to read more information about ‘Why to Have a Funeral’, read this helpful guide here.
