04/05/2025
Of course we’ll never ever stop loving them. But when we send them away (time out), ignore them, get annoyed at them - it feels to them like we might.
It’s why more traditional responses to tricky behaviour don’t work the way we think they did. The goal of behaviour becomes more about avoiding any chance of disconnection. It drive lies and secrecy more than learning or their willingness to be open to us.
Of course, no parent is available and calm and connected all the time - and we don’t need to be.
It’s about what we do most, how we handle their tricky behaviour and their big feelings, and how we repair when we (perhaps understandably) lose our cool. (We’re human and ‘cool’ can be an elusive little beast at times for all of us.)
This isn’t about having no boundaries. It isn’t about being permissive. It’s about holding boundaries lovingly and with warmth.
The fix:
- Embrace them, (‘you’re such a great kid’). Reject their behaviour (‘that behaviour isn’t okay’).
- If there’s a need for consequences, let this be about them putting things right, rather than about the loss of your or affection.
- If they tell the truth, even if it’s about something that takes your breath away, reward the truth. Let them see you’re always safe to come to, no matter what.
We tell them we’ll love them through anything, and that they can come to us for anything, but we have to show them. And that behaviour that threatens to steal your cool, counts as ‘anything’.
- Be guided by your values. The big ones in our family are honesty, kindness, courage, respect. This means rewarding honesty, acknowledging the courage that takes, and being kind and respectful when they get things wrong. Mean is mean. It’s not constructive. It’s not discipline. It’s not helpful. If we would feel it as mean if it was done to us, it counts as mean when we do it to them.
Hold your boundary, add the warmth. And breathe.
Big behaviour and bad decisions don’t come from bad kids. They come from kids who don’t have the skills or resources in the moment to do otherwise.
Our job as their adults is to help them build those skills and resources but this takes time. And you. They can’t do this without you.❤️
(Karen Young, Hey Sigmund)