20/10/2024
As I sit here at Decult - Cult Awareness Conference I am both perplexed and given the reality check of what I actually believed all along. It's validating and equally heartbreaking to see my own story reflected in the stories of others who have come out of Cults and High-control environments. I've only been free 3 years and it still takes so much to come to terms with, this is my story!
Why it matters to me to speak up about healing from trauma?
As a counsellor, I've come to realise that sustainable practice isn't just about avoiding burnout, but also about recognising the subtle shifts in power dynamics that can harm or heal. My own lived experience of growing up in a 'family-cult' has informed my understanding of these complex issues.
I've witnessed how well-intentioned individuals can intentionally or unintentionally perpetuate harm due to unchecked behaviours and lack of self-awareness. I've seen it with other practitioners too which is why this issue has become so important to me. The line between helpful and harmful can become blurred, especially when power imbalances exist. It's crucial for practitioners to acknowledge their own limitations, biases, and triggers to maintain a safe, supportive environment.
Reflecting on my own journey, I've come to understand the importance of self-care as a protective measure against burnout. However, self-care isn't enough; we must also recognise the signs of wellness and unwellness in ourselves and others. This requires ongoing education, supervision, and a willingness to confront our own shadows.
The stories I've heard from clients and colleagues have shaken me out of my own secrecy and complacency. I've come to realise that what I thought was normal growing up was, in fact, a distorted reality. The shadow underbelly of "The Family" dynamics has been exposed, revealing a legacy of intergenerational trauma. I was born into this reality and I had no idea, so when church systems equally reflected this income ways, I didn't see the difference. They doesn't mean I don't have a faith or sorts, but the deconstruction and reconstruction process is harrowing at times.
As I listen to the stories of others, I'm struck by the relatability and familiarity of their experiences. How did we normalise such harm? Why did no one intervene? These questions haunt me, yet they also fuel my determination to create a safe space for healing and growth.
So what is a Cult?
A cult is a group or organisation that uses manipulative tactics, coercion, and exploitation to control its members. Family-cults, in particular, can be incredibly damaging, as they exploit the trust and vulnerability of family relationships.
I grew up in a 'family-cult' where spiritual abuse and religious trauma were normalised and used as the foundation of coercion and control. The family leader, used fear, guilt, and shame to maintain control. This created a culture of silence, submission, and obedience. I struggled to recognise the harm, as it was masked as "love" and "protection" and often done in the name of God.
Spiritual abuse occurs when someone uses spirituality or religion to manipulate, control, or exploit others. This can lead to:
1. Emotional manipulation
2. Gaslighting
3. Financial exploitation
4. Physical abuse
5. Sexual abuse
6. Psychological control
Religious trauma can result in:
1. Loss of identity
2. Shame and guilt
3. Anxiety and depression
4. Difficulty trusting others
5. Feelings of isolation
To maintain sustainable practice, I prioritise:
1. Self-reflection and self-care
2. Ongoing education and training
3. Supervision and peer support
4. Recognising signs of wellness and unwellness
5. Cultural sensitivity and humility
Spiritual abuse and religious trauma can create doorways to other forms of abuse.
My journey out of the family-cult has been complex and challenging. However, it has also been transformative. I've learned to:
1. Recognise the signs of abuse
2. Set healthy boundaries
3. Prioritise self-care
4. Seek support from trusted individuals
5. Rebuild my sense of identity and purpose
As a counsellor, I'm committed to supporting others who have experienced similar trauma. I strive to create a safe, supportive environment where individuals can:
1. Process their experiences
2. Heal from trauma
3. Rebuild their sense of self
4. Develop healthy relationships
5. Find hope and resilience
Questions for Reflection:
1. What are your experiences with spiritual abuse or religious trauma?
2. How do you maintain sustainable practice in your work?
3. What signs of abuse do you recognise in yourself and others?
4. How can we create safer spaces for healing and growth?
Through my journey of breaking free from a 'family-cult', I've come to understand the profound impact of spiritual abuse, emotional manipulation, and psychological control on my life. I've learned the importance of sustainable practice, self-reflection, and seeking support. Today, I'm committed to creating safer spaces for healing and growth, supporting others who've experienced similar trauma, and prioritising self-care and self-compassion. I acknowledge the power of cultural sensitivity and humility in my mahi and personal life.
Healing is possible, and I am living proof! By sharing my story, I hope to inspire others to seek help, find their voice, and break free from the shackles of abuse.
Kia ora, kia kaha, kia maanawanui - Be well, be strong, be courageous.
