10/07/2023
Self-harm question from parents: “I just found out my child is hurting themselves. I noticed a scar and asked about it. Then I found out they have also made cuts in other, hidden places. What do I do? I am scared they’ll do something worse.”
Response: That is a very scary discovery indeed. For any parent. It is great though, that you know about it, and they were able to talk to you. That makes for a great starting place to support them.
Sometimes self-harm behaviour is associated with suicidal thoughts, but often it is not. There are different reasons why teenagers hurt themselves. Very often they feel stuck with thoughts and feelings they cannot or dare not express. Sometimes they feel trapped in specific situations that they can’t change.
Creating opportunities for them to express what is going on can be very helpful. That could mean being available as a parent to listen or providing opportunities to talk to someone more neutral, like a counsellor, a therapist, or a mentor. Sometimes ‘neutral’ makes it much easier for them, but even with a therapist, they will still need your support with this.
Keep in mind that you cannot make a young person talk. You can provide opportunities, you can invite, and you can wait.
Make sure they know they can come to you. And when they do, listen without judgment, criticism, or correction. A tall order, I know, so it may help to check how well you are hearing them. For instance, by repeating back to them, “so you are saying…. Am I getting that?” Feeling heard helps a lot.
If they are not up for a formal conversation with you (typical for teens), create opportunities by regularly spending time with them, doing something either of you enjoy or even doing something mundane like folding laundry. This creates an opportunity and lets them know you are there with them.
If you are still worried that they will harm themselves or that you may not be immediately available when they need someone, it helps to make sure they have helpline details on their phone. In New Zealand Youthline is a good option:
Free text: 234
Free call: 0800 37 66 33
Email: talk@youthline.co.nz
Marna Meiring
Clinical psychologist
