23/10/2025
O this is so goodπ€
If I donβt feel safe inside, it makes sense that Iβm going to exist in a state of defensiveness. Meaning, I donβt want anything to get close to the part that doesnβt feel safe.
It doesnβt always look like being defensive in conversation. It can look like avoidance of anything that might see the whole me β through shutting down, freezing, being critical of others, being critical of myself, anger, dissociation, or being pollyanna positive.
It can be more subtle, too - being uncomfortable with other peopleβs open displays of emotion, changing the topic of conversation when it asks you to be vulnerable, trying to βanalyzeβ or fix when feeling deeply (you or them), judging those who are different, or just trying to make other people βbetterβ instead of letting them be where they are.
It can look like procrastination, perfectionism, people-pleasing, hyper-intellectualizing, over-functioning - there are many, many ways we have learned to protect the parts of us that donβt feel safe inside. We (often unconsciously) look for the ways that we might be βfound outβ so we can avoid them.
We stay in relationships and environments that maintain this status quo. Itβs why we chase and seek out relationships with emotionally unavailable people - weβre not used to being seen.
And if weβve been doing this for a long time, we often have NO IDEA there are other ways to exist.
But when we learn how to get in touch with the parts that feel unsafe, the parts that weβve been defending, and learn how to meet, love, and accept them - something beautiful happens.
We no longer need to be constantly on the lookout for threats or to change ourselves to be accepted. Instead, it becomes more natural to look for the good in others. To walk toward connection, to honor our differences, and to sit with ourselves and others in discomfort.
To remember that when others are avoiding or reacting, itβs because they donβt feel safe inside.
It all starts with meeting and accepting you.
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