Brigette Hohepa Counselling

25/09/2025

09/09/2025

02/09/2025

23/08/2025

16/07/2025

I get asked this question all the time.

If you’ve been in a narcissistic relationship, you might be sorting through a deep fog—questioning your memory, your instincts, even your worth. That’s not just emotional confusion; it’s nervous system injury.

Gaslighting, blame-shifting, emotional withdrawal—these are real harms. And they can leave lasting imprints.

So let’s start here: You don’t owe compassion to someone who continually violates your boundaries.

That said—here’s what I’ve seen: narcissistic traits often develop as protective adaptations to early trauma. When a child grows up without being truly seen or soothed or loved, they build an identity that says, “If I can’t be loved for who I am, I’ll be admired for who others need or want me to be.”

But compassion for their pain does not require self-abandonment.

Insight doesn’t equal unlimited access.

Understanding doesn’t mean tolerating mistreatment.

And here’s where I want to be clear: I don’t support the pathologizing or polarizing language that says “narcissists are evil,” “they can never change,” or “throw them away.” That kind of othering may feel justified at first, but it often keeps us stuck in cycles of blame, reactivity or feeling vicitmized—when what we really need is clarity, boundaries, and repair.

Healing isn’t about excusing behavior. It’s about seeing the full picture—how trauma can create protective masks—and deciding what you need to heal from.

Think of it like this: If someone’s drowning, they might pull others down with them. You can understand why they’re panicking. But you’re still allowed to swim to shore.

An integrative trauma approach means holding both: The reality of your pain AND the humanity of the person who caused it.

But here’s the key: accountability is non-negotiable.
For healing to happen—on either side—there must be willingness to look inward, repair harm, and grow.

If you’re fresh out of a narcissistic dynamic, your job isn’t to fix them. It’s to come home to yourself.

17/05/2025

Trauma isn’t just car crashes or extreme situations.

It can be being yelled at.
Being shamed.

Feeling completely alone when you needed someone.
It’s anything that overwhelmed you in a moment when you didn’t have the tools or support to handle it.

It’s not about how “big” the event was - it’s about how it landed in your system.

💬 What’s something you wish more people understood about trauma?

15/05/2025

We usually think of triggers as something to manage, avoid, or get past.

But what if your trigger is actually pointing to a part of you that still feels unsafe? Instead of pushing it away, what if you got curious and asked: what part of me is speaking right now? What is it afraid of? What does it need?

A trigger doesn’t mean you’re failing.

It means something inside you is asking to be seen.

Healing begins when we meet those moments - not with judgment, but with compassion and curiosity.

31/03/2025

Great thing to reflect on: if an adult can’t communicate, express their anger, or cope with frustration— why would a 7 year old be able to? Children’s nervous system capacity is shaped by the interactions they watch and receive. When overstimulated, children intuitively look to the adults around them. What they’re saying is “help me make sense of this” and “am I safe?” A regulated adult can see the child’s capacity as different from their own. They don’t see their children’s tears or tantrums as a personal insult or disrespect. Or something to dismiss. They don’t expect children to be robots or stoic. Their emotional stability manifests as consistent behavior. The child learns: “this adult I can trust. I know how they’ll react”

Instead of punishing or shaming, they can help the child through big emotions. And at the end of the interaction, there’s a deeper connection. A chronically dysregulated adult cannot cope with frustration or tantrums. They see their child’s emotions as a burden and use punishment in an attempt to quickly get them out of that emotion. This works— temporarily. Usually because the child is filled with fear. But after the interaction there is a loss of trust and connection for that child.

We need to as a society take a look in the mirror and see where our level of regulation is currently at. Then, we need to develop patience for children who are still learning to cope with boredom, confusion, rejection, and the daily disappointments in life.

By being the calm stable presence we change the future generation

12/03/2025