10/01/2023
A New Year. A New You! These 6 suggestions will give your addicted loved one the best chance at recovery and keep you healthy too.
1) Learn everything you can about addiction and how it affects families.
Substance use disorder is complex and complicated. It thrives in isolation, shame, and secrecy. Families protect addiction by keeping secrets. You learn your role in your loved one's addiction by attending support groups and engaging in step studies. Interaction with your loved one should encourage and support their choice of recovery by not doing what they can and should be doing for themselves. If you're shielding a loved one from the consequences of their actions, this won't happen. Instead, the addicted person and their family will continue justifying and making excuses for unhealthy behavior, leaving the entire family system toxic and fractured.
2) Go to treatment before them.
If your loved one refuses help, you go. By attending a family program, you will learn what does and doesn't work and have the support to follow through with the changes you need going forward. This proactive approach sends a powerful message…I walk my talk, and there's no shame in getting well.
3) Set healthy boundaries.
I recently worked with a young woman who'd stolen a substantial amount of money from her parents' business. She refused to go to group therapy and dared anyone to 'do something about it.' Her parents had reached the point where they were willing to set boundaries. Although they'd threatened consequences, they'd never followed through with them. The young woman refused to participate in treatment and wanted to leave. She was told if she left, the police would be called and charges laid. Despite her parents begging her, she refused to listen. Sure that her parents would take her back, she called a taxi and left treatment. Lucky for her, she got to experience those consequences and is now safe inside a sheriff's cell instead of possibly overdosing on her next high. She, like many others struggling with addiction, had no concept of boundaries or the meaning of no. Without consequences, there is no incentive for change and no recovery.
4) Involve professionals.
If you feel guilty when you say no, you're saying yes to ease your guilt. In a sense, you're doing what your addicted loved one is doing—your mood-altering by avoiding uncomfortable emotions through enabling. Involving a professional can help you stay the course when the going gets tough because it will. Through your own therapy sessions, you'll be able to work through the emotional discomfort of saying no to enabling and setting boundaries.
5) Identify the weak link in your family.
In every family, one person is more easily manipulated than the rest. To identify the weak leak in your family, ask yourself this; who does the addicted person call when they're in trouble? Who has the most trouble saying no? It's important to note that this person is likely in denial and may need an intervention to stop their enabling behaviors. Addiction can't thrive without an enabling system. When the primary enabler believes they're helping, they'll continue to rescue and save regardless of negative consequences.
6) Practice self-care.
Above all else, take good care of yourself. Addiction is exhausting, and one on one, it wins every time. Learn how to hit the pause button. Unless the house is on fire, you should never be forced into making a split decision. Addicted persons struggle with patience and want everything right now. If you're being pressured into doing something you don't want to do, what's really happening is your loved one wants their next fix. Of course, they won't tell you that, but the urgency of their demands will. By saying, 'I need to think about it,' you buy time to involve other people in the conversation and make better choices for both of you.
Don't lose hope. Miracles happen every day. If you feel overwhelmed by doing any of the 6 things above, imagine how your sick loved one feels? Although you can't force your loved one to seek help, you can positively influence them by leading the way. As statistics show, addicted persons are most successful when their families are educated and in recovery.
Lorelie Rozzano
www.jaggedlittleedges.com
