Sacred Being

27/10/2025

That touch sweet spot explained! 🪷

🥰Your feel good research of the day:Gentle as a mother's touch: C-tactile touch promotes autonomic regulation in preterm infants by I Püschel, J Reichert, Y...

09/10/2025

Silencing Desire: S*xual Expression and Relational Wellbeing in Later Life

As people age, intimacy and s*xuality often change in form, but they remain important to emotional connection and overall wellbeing. S*xual expression can still be a meaningful part of identity and partnership, yet many older adults hold back from expressing their desires or needs.

A 2023 study by Træen, Hansen, and Štulhofer examined this through the idea of s*xual self-silencing—withholding one’s s*xual thoughts or feelings within a relationship. The researchers compared older adults in Norway and Croatia and found that this tendency was common across both settings. Regardless of culture or gender, self-silencing was linked to lower s*xual satisfaction, poorer relationship quality, and reduced life satisfaction.

Interestingly, men reported higher levels of self-silencing than women. This finding challenges the assumption that men are always more expressive about s*xuality. It suggests that aging men may also feel constrained by ideas about masculinity, emotional restraint, or physical change. For women, silence often reflected cultural messages about modesty or the expectation that s*xuality fades with age.

These patterns highlight the value of communication in later-life relationships. When partners can speak openly about desire, comfort, and change, they tend to maintain stronger emotional closeness and better wellbeing. Silence, on the other hand, can create misunderstanding and distance.

For practitioners working with older adults—therapists, doctors, educators—the study reinforces the need to include s*xuality in conversations about health and aging. Many older people appreciate the chance to discuss intimacy when it is approached with respect and normalisation rather than embarrassment.

Recognising s*xual expression as part of wellbeing helps challenge the idea that intimacy belongs only to youth. Desire and connection evolve, but they do not disappear. Encouraging openness about s*xual needs can strengthen relationships and support a sense of vitality at every age.

References

Træen, B., Hansen, T., & Štulhofer, A. (2023). Silencing the s*xual self and relational and individual well-being in later life: A gendered analysis of North versus South of Europe. S*xual & Relationship Therapy, 38(4), 622–637. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681994.2021.1883579

01/10/2025

06/07/2025

Highly recommend this amazing site for everyone - 50% off apparently ...just wanted to share!

In partnership with Indiana and Yale Researchers

23/06/2025

Working with s*xuality I have noticed that talking to your partner about s*x seems to be much more vulnerable than doing it. Given how unique our turn-ons and turn-offs are, and how that can change over time and with circumstances, it seems essential to keep talking to each other.

Opening up about your needs and desires can transform your relationship and S E X is one of the most intimate expressions of connection and vitality we have — a life-affirming meeting place of bodies, breath, hearts and minds.

Opening up about your desires and boundaries doesn’t just enrich your s*x life — it deepens your relationship as a whole. When we share what we like and don’t like, we also learn how to care for one another better.

Often, poor s*xual communication is a mirror for deeper patterns.
If a couple comes to me with a s*xual concern, it’s rarely isolated. Sometimes, a low desire issue is covering years of unspoken resentment. When intimacy is blocked, there are usually other places in the relationship where truth has been silenced.

Of course, timing and intention matter. Naming your needs is different from criticizing your partner. Don’t bring up things in a way that threatens or blames, instead, find your shared ground, and be gentle with one another.

Here are some possible suggestions to make these conversations less daunting — and even pleasurable.

START AS YOU WANT TO CONTINUE

If you’re at the beginning of a relationship, begin as you mean to go on. Talk early before silence sets in. Start small — maybe around topics like consent, contraception, or touch — and let the conversation expand over time.

When it comes to fantasies or deeper desires, go gently. Invite your partner in: "what’s something you’ve always wondered about, but never said aloud?" Take your time. This kind of trust is cultivated, not rushed.

NEVER TOO LATE

If it’s been years — or even decades — since you’ve talked openly about s*x, don’t let that stop you.
Try an amnesty - let go of the story so far and start again.
Begin with who you are NOW, and what you long for FROM HERE.

For those reconnecting after divorce, loss, or long silences, TRY TALKING about expectations before getting physically intimate. It’s never too late to communicate with honesty and care.

DARE TO SHARE - open up about your fantasies

We all have inner worlds rich with longing. But most of us don’t speak them aloud - those who do tend to have more fulfilled s*x lives.

Our fantasies fall into familiar themes: multiple partners, adventurous or rough s*x, emotional depth, voyeurism or kink, non-monogamy, and gender play. In truth, we’re not as strange as we think. Simply speaking our desires — even without acting on them — can be a gateway to intimacy, play, and aliveness.

TIMING

In the heat of the moment, we’re more exposed — physically and emotionally therefore try setting aside time when neither of you are distracted or rushed. A quiet walk. A cup of tea or wine on the couch. Date night. A shared bath.

Fantasies, however, may land better when there’s already arousal in the space as our natural defenses soften when we’re turned on — so the playful or taboo can feel less confronting. You might cue the moment with a film, music, or a candlelit evening.

YOUR BODY, YOUR PLEASURE

One of the most empowering shifts we can make is to reclaim our own pleasure.
Try things out with yourself for a while, focus on finding your own pleasure pathways. This can be deeply freeing — relieving the pressure to perform or please — and helps each person get clearer on what feels good in their own body.

If you know what brings you joy, it’s easier to share it.
No one can ‘give’ you an or**sm — you’re the one who gets to know, feel, and claim it.

COMMUNICATION

Your partner can’t read your mind. If you’re not up for s*x because you feel self-conscious, tired, or disconnected — say so gently. Otherwise, your silence might be misread as rejection.

How do you cope with a no?
And how do you *give* one?”
Clear communication creates safety.
You’re allowed to have reasons. You’re allowed to name them.

GENTLE REQUESTS, CORRECTIONS and AFFIRMATIONS

Use “I” statements — “I feel…” or “I’d love it if…” — instead of “You always…” or “You never…” as these can shut down connection fast. Feedback lands best when wrapped in warmth.

Lead with truth, feeling, and a fair request. For example: “I’ve noticed that you enjoy…” or “I feel closer when we…” — and then offer an invitation: “Would you be open to trying…?”

We all respond better to being celebrated than corrected. Let your words reflect the love you want to grow.

CURIOUSITY

Talking about s*x isn’t just about saying the right things — it’s about listening deeply, without rushing to defend or fix.

One of the greatest barriers to communication is not what people say, but what they don’t hear. Many of us spend the conversation preparing our response instead of truly listening.

Try cultivating curiosity with questions, such as, “Tell me more about that,” and mean it.
Let go of being right.
Let go of knowing.
Allow space for your partner’s truth to exist beside your own.
This is how healing happens — not just in s*x, but in all our relating.

14/06/2025

Sacred Touch retreat is almost fully booked this year so if you are thinking about it now is the time to sign up. It's been very supportive for couples to reconnect (you can choose to work together) in a safe and nourishing environment, learning new skills and refreshing the love 🥰

01/06/2025

An interesting topic.
Many couples I see have arrived at a kind of impass regarding their s*x lives.

Most commonly I find that the communication is not working - that it's become too difficult to share that the s*x you want is not the s*x you are having - or even to know what you want differently.

The invisible barriers get bigger and more dense until you don't know how to talk about it at all.

Sacred Touch retreat has been a beautiful space for couples to work together and open the conversation, learn new techniques and dedicate attention to their relationship intimacy to rekindle the vitality.

See comments for link.
sacredtouch #

How to sensitively talk to your partner about the lack of s*x in your relationship, according to experts.

08/05/2025

Humanity requires an adjustment of the stereotypes we hold toward s*x and gender roles. The misconception about male and female roles in s*x is a significant part of this problem, one that often leads to dissatisfaction in both men and women. We are all male and female in quality and essence in both female and male bodies. We are all strength and receptivity in the intrinsic harmony of life. Men and women can both be penetrating and utterly receptive synchronistically with each other, in same s*x and opposite s*x intimacy. Fulfillment of the male is not in the ending of his desire. Man’s pleasure is actually in the pleasure of the feminine. When the power of the feminine is joined with the power of the masculine, something extraordinary happens... the power, intelligence and beauty of reality itself. Such an accord or marriage makes a potent entity of the relationship itself, with no requirement for artificial “s*xiness” or performance—just real feeling. An authentic life beyond the karmas of society is given via the Yogas of participation.
Mark Whitwell

29/03/2025

A PROMISE
I won't fade with age.
I will get bolder. Brighter. More dangerous.

An older woman? She’s lived, loved, lost, and risen—again and again. She sees through the nonsense. She won’t be tamed, shamed, or made small.

I will know my worth. I will own my pleasure.

I will no longer pretend patience for lukewarm love that doesn’t set my soul on fire.

30/08/2024

I am in-joy. I am moved and engaged by human and non-human nature. Beauty. Form. Devotional morning PRAYer of Presence Reflection Appreciation Yes to all that is.

04/06/2024

I have started a death doula training to be a companion on the end of life journey.

The warp and weft of my life has had a significant thread of a feeling existential melancholy. My heart resonates and breaks open with grief, with suffering, with loss. I sometimes feel the suffering of the world as a literal excruciating heart ache. And with it I feel alive, I feel love, compassion, surrender.

I can see the beauty of life more sharply with less distractions in the cold light of death's presence. To fully live and love life is knowing that death is always walking with us. A lot of my life I had been avoiding fully being alive for fear of death. Now, my quest to live the rest of my life in expansive love, ease and joy must include a capacity to be unafraid of this companion.

Going deeply into my own fear and healing has lead me to hold a love for others in our common humanity that I could not have if I had not suffered loss, pain, fear myself. Perhaps what I already do a lot is a s*x/life/soul doula, working with the fear of dying an unlived life all the time with people wanting more from their relationships, intimacy, s*xuality and life. People seek me out for s*xual services when they are looking for deeper layers of meaning and connection, hearing a calling to engage with the existential thread of sacred / soul that weaves through the mysterious unfolding of their lives.

And I want to be with others in the end of life journey with death as much as the life journey - that it is the same - we are all on an end of life journey one way or another. To be steady and present through the depths, to offer support, to share the joy of the dark and the gifts found therein.

02/06/2024