Hi Ya’ll and welcome to my page. ( Please Note: Name change to reflect new direction of page detail in the making) Read on for further details. Pardon the Grammar.
On the first note I want to just say that in light of being transparent and not misleading in any way I will firstly mention my change for the purpose of this page. Briefly, I now walk in the light of Jesus Christ and will be giving all the glory to God in everything I do and what so ever evolves from this or not as it might well be, will be from Gods will on my life.
Due to the turmoil and suffering of the last few years I reached a point, whether it could have come earlier, its only by my own errors and God not leaving my side that I am where I am now.
I can see that although God has not left me; he wasn't given full authority over my life. As I now can see I was glorifying things that left me empty and searching. I came to see that all along I was complete in the eyes of my Heavenly Father.
What I now have come to realise is all the emphasis I put on myself trying to be the best version of myself was putting me more and more deeper into suffering and emptiness. Directional less dreams. Qualifications to represent, yet resistance to really give it the sincerity it would have required to see it out. Cloudiness, confusion,self doubt, scattered thoughts - all works of the devil. My life up to this point has been living on the edge. Half in half out. half this half that. God knows me better though!
My mental health was getting worse and worse and in lots of ways I had compelete awareness of it, yet squashed by feelings of desperation and despair. Hmm sounds like the works of the devil again right!? They had a name for my illness and it seemed to fit.
I was allowing words of despair to derail me ( the illness was known especially for this sensitivity) Lie validation lets call it........ I was used to holding words that the devil knew very well were my weakness. Resist the devil, Resist the Devil and he shall flee- Sure but only once you are fully surrendered to God through Jesus Christ. The catch. A good catch mind you, however its not that simple. The war begins dependant on the call on your life, the level of hold the devil has had and our ability to listen and be guided by the Holy spirit.
An example of some experiences I have had over the last couple months is as follows some depth may not be able to be fully conveyed through words but here goes anyway.
On my last ditch effort to self medicate I went to a tarot reader, she used terms to re affirm my current state of mental health.(Didn't realise at the time mind you) terms like borderline personalty disorder .... “yes thats me”, I said! well traits to be correct but still I was seeing signs I was on the right path........ you following ?????. Any way one thing that she said that stuck in my mind was that she to had that illness and it had ruined her life!!! you don't forget a statement like that do you! Again just by her being neutral or a non believer she is used as a gate way for the lies. Its called a declaration and it was false!
A few other things she said and away I went.
It felt like I was finally onto something specific for me and I could really start to make headway. I began to research it. As it goes we can find many supporting attributes in many common mental health complaints ( when at our worst).
So the research continued on what was combined with an event -(crisis). Feeling desperate, sad and alone things started to get real.
The research was pulling up more and more (hopelessness). Is that the idea I was going for? is that ever a helpful place? So step back for a minute this isn't my normal approach to things. I was my own best advocate.
Then it hit me! that the devil lies and feeds us this hopelessness. Continually building on any strong holds ( Insecurities,fears,beliefs )that I have had and have feed off of my whole life! People can feed it, experiences can feed it etc etc, its constant.
With that in mind I switched tones and started listening to sermons at the same time. I had already reached out to a friend and had promptly arose one morning saying ‘’CHURCH”! As I threw my hands in the air! perfect place to be around people. I was feeling lonely and didnt need that in the mix.
I stopped reaserching the illness once it became helpless because nothing in God is helpless. First revelation!
The Holy spirit has shown me lots of things about myself and has slowly been taking me on this journey, never pushing or demanding, oh and not being in the drivers seat!!! Thats the best thing. With this comes faith though, and an intimate relationship with God, one that gets me excited.
My gifts in the Holy spirt can be fully trusted now. I know what is lies or at least I can catch them and send them away more promplety so to not let them settle on me. I can embrace with full certainty of what I am, I have glimpse into Gods plan on my life. Amen
I can trust my discernment; something I have known for as long as I can remember and a strong spirit lead intuition. I can own those things now! I'm know longer second guessing them at all, as its through God.
I'm feeling guided by the Holy Spirit and surprisingly comforted.
There is a need to be on guard all the time in a spirit sense - rejecting statements here, rebuking actions there, back to the lord not to others that may seem like the cause or blame and lots of prayer CONSTANTLY.
I learnt how the devil knows and has studied my weaknesses and that there is a contract out on my life! The heavens and all of Gods angels and the Holy spirit were fighting for me! There is a war on for my life! can you believe that? how special am I.
This word WAR was from the holy spirit and was reaffirmed at a group, church and scripture in the coming days. So themes of three seemed to happen to apmplfity Gods message. I was picking up what he was putting down. Amen.
Visual insight was given to me including attacks that happened in my dreams, its all been pretty constant but In the lord I trust. Gods word is coming in thick and fast and I want to just inhale and digest it all!!!! ... If you know me at all from the outside at least you would know I can get pretty passionate about things,so being a vocal Christian is a given it’s something I can be very proud of, Lots and lots of words have been used in my life to try and derail me and some coming from the most innocent of bystanders.
However I believe that God works everything out for good so although I felt bad that I was pushed to the point were I said. you know what I have no fricken idea about whats best for my life Jesus I am shaken to the core and I am not letting you go this time lord! Was such an amazing moment for ME!!!!!!
I have tried everything that is suposed to work, feeling more and more like a failure. I cried out to God and when I cried out to him in those moments and he heard me and brought me peace in a time I was NOT SUPPOSE TO HAVE PEACE!!! that was enough for me to know he holds me.
After that came consistent cueing from the holy spirit. Energy to exercise, Insight from God around areas of my life could get started clearing out immediately. He was bringing me to a point of total repentance.
Avoiding accountability was a big thing for me. So when God lead me to write them all down I could stop blaming others and do the work needed for my healing; for my families healing and for my bloodline (woah thats a big one not yet re-addressed that) All the women as far back as I know!!
Thanks God, you sure don't hold back... You have been prepping me my whole life with all my trails and tribulations that I can only see as a blessing and a sort of pre training for my role on earth.
Alcohol was playing a little sideline entertainer in the mix and low and behold there was tangible things that I had done and had to relingsih them in the flesh while going through a transformation In Jesus. GO FIGURE!!!!!
Alcohol as my sidekick I could hide and forget most things and consequently suffer more. This motivation that comes upon you is the holy spirit. The Holy spirit wanting to work over me, in me and through me so that he can do his best work. Amen.
The beginning of a real and total walk with God has already come with a few challenges and I am under no illusion that just because I walk with Jesus now the all that just goes, in fact it come with its own set of new ones.
I have wanted to praise him more in the times of trail and celebrate him more in this time to honour what he is doing in me.
Its the least I could do.
Of course then the flesh expects perfection from its environment and others. Constant taunts and events to keep me on my toes and to be armoured all the time! The gracious part still needs work in the spirit.
Tests to test faith. Putting myself into situations to test my self, cool done. for the moment. Not fun.
Now all I want to do is be lead in a direction that is Gods plan. I pray God make me like clay and mould me into the vision you have on my life and may you have mercy on my soul. Forgive my sins and the sins of my family lord I renounce all the sins from my actions caused by my mouth and my mind.
Lord as I pray now that in this my family and my children can be saved from the generational curse handed down on my mothers side, I renounce adultery, wedlock , promiscuous behaviour, addictions and the strongholds on the mind.
That you lord were held in by the women in my family going back as many generations that were silenced Lord and you suffered in vain.
I know the contract out on my family lord and I offer myself in breaking this for generations to come so that THEY may have THIER inheritance in JESUS NAME AMEN.
Disclaimer: This is an account of some events in my own life, all mention of mental health is from my own experiences. I advise anyone wanting to seek Jesus for mental health to do so with the help of the church and fellow Christians for support. This for me was just the next natural step in my Journey.
Warning: The peace and comfort might cause unsettled feelings of boredom as you transition into your new life.
