26/11/2024
I always tell students that theories or models are just a set of ideas. And here's a set of ideas about grief from someone who knows their stuff! It resonates for many because it isn't about 'resolving our grief' or 'moving on' or even healing. It's about living with grief and what that might be like.
The Emotional Muscles of Grief Theory (Cacciatore, 2010) posits that grief is not something that diminishes over time but instead remains constant, like a weight we carry. Over time, by engaging with and being present with the grief—what can be thought of as "lifting the weight" daily—individuals build the emotional strength, or "muscles," required to carry it. Here are the ideas that underpin my theory:
1. Grief as a constant: The grief itself need not shrink or disappear. The intensity of the loss and its emotional impact, especially when catastrophic, may remain unchanged over time, and it may never end.
2. Emotional growth through willing engagement: Rather than avoiding grief, actively engaging with grief—acknowledging it, feeling it, and working with it— this builds emotional/psychological muscles and develops an individual's capacity to bear the very heavy weight.
3. Strengthened capacity to cope: Over time, the person builds self-trust around grief and its corresponding emotions, gaining the emotional strength to navigate life with the persistent presence of grief. This does not mean the grief is smaller, or lighter, or less significant but that the person becomes better able to carry its weight. This takes a lot of time and work, and there may be periods that feel more strenuously difficult. No, this is not just linear. There are stops and starts, and there are places and times that additional weight gets thrown on top of us and it feels like rebuilding again (and sometimes it is like this!).
4. Acceptance (of our feelings of grief) without erasure: The theory emphasizes the importance of accepting grief (not necessarily the loss, specifically) as an ongoing part of a new life, a new self. It is not something to be "fixed" or managed or eliminated but rather it can be integrated into one’s being. And it can be, one day, an unstoppable force for good in the world.
I proposed this theory as a response to our grief-avoidant cultural attitudes that often focus on "moving on" or "letting go." Instead, it advocates for honoring grief as a natural and enduring expression of love and loss, fostering strength and resilience through sustained connection to the emotional experience.
In my own experience of this theory, one second at a time, by being with my grief & lifting its weight every day, little by little, I built emotional muscles. These muscles grew, and grew; the grief did not diminish, nor did I need it to diminish. I was growing strong enough to trust myself with all the emotions of grief. I was understanding that her death utterly deconstructed me and that grief was now rebuilding me. No, I didn't want it or sign up for it. Yet, here I was.
And also, at times I had to drop the weight and rest, and that is all part of building the muscles. Growing muscles need times of rest to build. And, even the strongest athletes need times of rest and respite.
Of course, it helps to have others to care for us as we learn to carry the heavy weight of their absence, perhaps some helping to 'spot' us or help us carry the weight when we are weary. Love and compassion and support go a long, long way...
Grief is heavy & we can carry what is heavy.
But we can never learn to carry that which we refuse to lift.
(For more information about the emotional muscles of grief, you can read my blog from 2008, 2010 (and forward from there) as well as more in depth discussion in my book Bearing the Unbearable: Love, loss, and the heartbreaking path of grief and on my website).
(Artistic rendition of this theory provided by a smart bot!)
