24/08/2024
It takes two to have a securely attached relationship, but it only takes one to change YOU. You also have a relationship with yourself.
Instead of asking “what is my partner doing for me?” ask “who do I want to be in the world?” Do I want to be my best self in order to grow as person and shift the relationship environment without expecting immediate results? Or do I want to stay focused on what my partner is doing wrong and use mantras like “it takes two” to justify staying stuck?
Yes, it takes two to have a great relationship, but it only takes one get the ball rolling and to start making consistent, positive shifts. Who should this be? The healthier partner has to take the lead because if they don’t, nobody else will. But even if your partner is fully on board to change along with you, your focus still need to first be on your own actions and responses because ultimately that’s all you can control. The rest is all about what you can influence, which is not the same control. Influence is more about modeling the very behaviors you want in return.
The work I’m describing is about creating a secure attachment with yourself and it’s impossible to have a secure attachment with your partner if you don’t have one with yourself. At the same time, a secure relationship with your partner will enhance your own secure attachment within. It’s a feedback loop.
If you’re saying “I’ve done the work and I’ve given it time and I’m still not happy with the relationship, what do I do?” I can’t really answer that because I don’t know your situation. But I can say that I don’t want anyone to be in a miserable, unfulfilling relationship and you might have tough decisions to make if you’re miserable and have little to no hope things will get better.
And, what I do know is that many of you reading this probably need to spend some time looking inward instead of outward, and start there. For what it’s worth, I hold myself to the same standard. 🪴
