21/07/2023
Impurities of my heart.
I believe that my heart was pure. But now, I guess my heart is not pure anymore.
The first impurities of my heart is the betrayal, the deceit, and the lies of my first love during my college days.
Growing up, I remember being a happy go lucky child, I remember being optimistic of all the happenings around me. I believed in one, true, handsome, and gentleman lover. However, my first love left a trauma in me. My world was torn into pieces. I was lost. I was furious. I was hopeless. I was mad. He betrayed me, he betrayed his family, he betrayed his relatives, he betrayed his friends, he betrayed his workmates, and he betrayed the trust that the people have in him. I was broken.
During those times, I was with a friend who I believe is a friend turned soulmate. She was also betrayed by her first love. She was broken because of her first love and she would narrate to me every stories of how her first love broke her. Her grades plummeted because she can't focus on her academics, and she told me all about it. I always tried to be with her during her sad times. I would share my shoulders for her to lean on. I was with her during her difficult times.
And then another friend of mine also shared to me that her relationship with her family members was in turmoil because of betrayal also from her first and second love.
I felt broken from the unfortunate stories of my friends, while still feeling broken over the trauma that my first love scarred me.
One day, the feeling of loneliness gushed to me. I realized that while I was busy comforting others and while I was busy tending to my broken friends, no one knew what I was going through because I could not share my personal struggles because I thought that it would just add to the pile of problems that my friends were facing. And besides, I did not even thought of sharing my struggles because I want also to protect the reputation of my first love. I want to preserve the respect that the people have to my first love.
And then, a thought suddenly came to me. I have no one with me. I have no one to talk to about my struggles. I have no one and nowhere to cry. I was alone. No body cared about me. I was lost.
The worst thing happened, I felt detached from my family. I felt detached from my friends. I felt detached from my belief. Then I felt detached from the things happening around me.
I hated my first love, and that hate still lingers every now and then. Those hatred extended to the people I was with. I hated their shortcomings. I hated their characteristics and behaviors that they with my first love.
The impurities and hatred of my heart were gradually and subtly replaced with resentment to everyone.
No matter what happens to me, I only have myself.
22 July 2023, 0023.
