16/04/2020
My Happiness - Part II
I donāt know what to do and chose to call her sister Ella. After minutes, they arrived at kinuha na ang bangkay niya. Sinabi ng pamilya niya na hinimatay siya at sooner cardiac arrest. They also told me not to tell anyone that she committed su***de. I donāt know why.
Kinalikot namin ng sister niya ang laptop niya, hoping to find answers. Hindi ko alam ang password ng Main account niya but I knew her secondās account password. There was a message, also from her main account, (File explorer,Windows C:, Setup,Scripts, Private, Virus, Unavailable, Password, Hello) The last folder was Hello when we tried to traced it sa laptop. Then we saw files. Naroon ang lahat ng pangarap niya para sa pamilya niya. Ang bank account na iniipon niya na may lamang 82, 520 with the password na ibibili niya sana ng sariling bahay para sa mama niya dahil nakatira sila sa grandparents nila. And debut plans of her sister, the souvenirs, the gown designs, the invitations, and everything.
The saddest part was the file named āLetter for youā. It was not just a letter for me, but all of us with names on it. It was also stated na āMa, kung ilubong niyo ko pwede indi na magbakal sang lungon? Kay mahal na daan. Magamit pa ina para ibakal sang balay, sa debut ni Ella, kag sa motor ni Nonoy. Okay na ko sa lupa lang.ā Her sister Ella and I were crying. I never cried hard in my whole life. Last paragraph of letter were telling us āSorry. Iāve tried my best pero indi ko nagid kaya. Sorry gid if dako nga problema kag kahuy-anan ang nahatag ko sa pamilya. Sorry pero amo lang gid ni makaya ko. Subong kay wala na ko, I know wala na kamo problemahon. I am sorry if delay ang bulig nga nahatag ko, but I really want nga planado ang tanan. Sorry if mas ginpili ko nga mag enjoy sang life ko because I think Iāve never enjoyed when I was studying kay puro lang ko tuon and sunod sa tanan niyo nga ihambal. Sorry for being selfish and rebellious, ginhinulsulan ko na tanan. Tani mapatawad niyo ko.ā
Nandoon din ang password niya sa facebook, (Because we donāt have an access to each otherās account), Iāve read all the chats of her mother, father, grandmother, grandfather and uncle Ron, telling her that she is a disappointment, sirang sirang na siya sa pamilya niya, kalian pa daw siya maipagmamalaki ng family niya. It was not planned naman ata na sabihin nila yun dahil iba iba naman ang topics pero nakakaabot lang talaga sa punto na sasabihin nila iyon. Iyak na ako ng iyak dahil ang sasakit talaga ng mga salitang nababasa ko especially from her mother and her grandparents. Ang haba ng mga chats. I never knew na ganito pala kasakit and kabigat ang dinadala niya behind those smiles and laughters. Everything flashbacks, kaya siguro puro siya laptop dahil nag dedesign siya ng mga gagamitin sa debut ng sister niya. It is also one thing to keep herself busy.
Until now, masakit pa rin. I canāt even move out in my apartment because we all have those happy memories. I can really feel that she is with me. Nandun pa rin ang gamit and scent niya sa blouses na nilalagyan ko ng unan to hug her. Every night, I feel and imagine that she is with me.
The doctor said that itās better to get rid of those things, dahil baka ma depress din ako. But, I just canāt. Time heal wounds. I know I am still on process. Very difficult process. My girl is gone. My happiness is gone for a moment, I trust God. I just canāt forget her that easy. She is my everything. I imagined our life in the future, marrying her and happily cuddling with our three kids. Everything is shattered in just a second.
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