10/12/2024
Autistic but Social!
There often seems to be confusion on the degree of social ability in autistic children. Social ability should not be confused with social interest. Many people still think that autistic people are not interested in socializing. The image is of someone who is withdrawn and indifferent to others. Although some autistic people are not interested in connecting with others, many are very socially motivated. It is not so much the “social interest” that distinguishes them from others, as their “social abilities” make relating difficult.
Many autistic children try hard to connect with others and want very much to have friends and close relationships. Unfortunately, their difficulties with reading the thoughts, feelings, and perspectives of others, problems understanding the social context and unwritten social rules, and difficulty engaging in back and forth reciprocal interaction, make establishing and maintaining relationships very difficult.
Even if they have a strong desire to relate, autistic children will usually find it hard to “fit in.” They have difficulty coordinating back and forth cooperative play, maintaining purposeful interaction, and repairing breakdowns in communication. They may recognize this difficulty and tend to play along the outside of the group, or not recognize this problem and try to dominate the play. They may not understand social boundaries and become overbearing or intrusive in their play. They may not be able to take turns and understand all the social rules of the play. They often try and dictate what is played and how they play. They may assume that others will want to do it the same way they do and not understand that others may want to do it differently or equally share the responsibility to regulate play. As the child gets older, this inability to recognize, consider, and collaborate in play becomes aggravating to other children, who tend to avoid or tease them.
So, "social ability”, not “social interest,” is the deciding variable in autism. Because of this, we need to provide these children with numerous opportunities to learn how to (1) reference and read the perspectives and intentions of others, (2) reference and read nonverbal language, (3) initiate and maintain back and forth, reciprocal interaction, and (4) read the unwritten rules of relating given the context they are in. Without these skills, the child is left helpless in the very confusing world of relating with others. This leads to strong social anxiety and eventually depression from years of trying to fit in and not getting it! Even if the child doesn’t have a strong interest in relating, these skills are necessary for fitting in and co-existing with others to play, work, and live successfully in our social world. However, we need to listen to and respect the social desires (degree of interest) the children have. Many children are not interested in socializing, and many find socializing very draining. Let the child’s social interest pattern how much exposure you give them. Do not force them to be more social than their social interests dictate. It will be difficult and exhausting for them and become associated with negative experiences.
As they become adults, it is not the lack of academic skills that affect the quality of life for adults on the spectrum; it is the lack of social functions that make it difficult for them to relate in a very social world (as well as the lack of others to accept and adjust to the differences they present.) Many autistic individuals can achieve graduate degrees but cannot hold down a job because of their inability to handle the setting's social demands. We need to make social relating skills a higher priority in the developmental years to provide them with the necessary tools to relate successfully. From the early grades on, we need to establish the teaching of pragmatic social skills as a priority in educational planning. Give these kids numerous opportunities for facilitated play, group recreation, boy scouts, dance, adapted sports, and other social situations to learn and practice social skills. We need facilitated interaction and peer mentoring throughout the school years and teach social skills in the real social context. Make learning to relate a necessary priority so the child can feel “safe, accepted, and competent” in the social world.
A word of caution for parents; just because you desire your child to be social and have many friends, it doesn’t mean your child has the same desire. They often do not desire the same level of relating as you do. Some do, but many do not. Some kids like social exposure around their activities or topics of interest. Others want a lot of exposure. Also, try not to throw the children into unstructured group play. They will most likely feel very incompetent because they do not know how to process and regulate with more than one or two children at a time. We tend to think by throwing them into a lot of group social activities, the child will naturally develop stronger social skills. That is not true. It is better to start with just one on one play dates that make relating easier. Keep socializing short and straightforward. It takes a lot of mental energy to try to regulate with others. Start simple, build gradually, and let the child pace the amount of exposure.
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