28/04/2023
π€I often imagine that our feelings are little characters inside us, often screaming, "Hey, people! You have us ALL WRONG! You think you need to solve us or change us or give us advice to go away... but no! Please just notice us and validate that we are real and allow us to exist inside your body. If you do, then we won't give you such a hard time, we won't get so inflamed." π€π¨
Why is this? Well, feelings are only scary if we are alone in them.π«
When your child is sad, more painful than the feeling is not having a parent who wants to understand. When your child is frustrated, what makes the feeling worse is having a parent trying to convince her that it's no big deal.π
Our attempts to change our children's feelings - which comes from best intentions, for sure - just leaves children alone with the feeling they have, which makes the feeling itself feel that much worse.π¨βπ©βπ§βπ¦
When we support instead of solve, it's as if we are saying to the feeling: "Hey feeling! I see you. I'm here with you. We will weather this storm together." And well... the feelings immediately start to simmer a bit. The feelings aren't alone. The feelings feel safer. This is how kids learn regulation and from regulation... comes resilience.π€π
Resilience comes from tolerating (not fixing) uncomfortable emotions. So how we approach feelings in the early years relates directly to how resilient a person is in the later years. This means that when we see our children experiencing some of life's more distressing emotions... we need to notice our urge to fix and instead find a voice in us that names and allows the feeling.πͺ
Try this: Next time your child is having a hard time, say to your child, "I hear you", "That stinks" or "I'm glad you shared that with me" instead of allowing your fixing / advice / solution voice to take over. See what happens.π
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