Consultório de Psicoterapia

13/05/2025

For those of us who know how to shape a message for others, but still struggle to hear our own truth.

In PR and media, being liked can feel like part of the job description. It's not just about doing good work—it’s about being the person people want in the room. Someone who’s agreeable. Gracious. Confident, but never threatening. Authentic, but always composed.

Over time, I became so good at managing how others saw me that I lost touch with how I saw myself.

I came to The Courage to Be Disliked not expecting transformation. I thought maybe I’d find a few empowering quotes. But this book sat me down and asked me the hard questions I hadn’t let myself ask in years. Questions like:
Who am I when I’m not trying to be impressive?
Who would I disappoint if I finally told the truth?
What if being liked has been getting in the way of being free?

Told through a dialogue between a skeptical young man and a quiet philosopher, the book unpacks the psychology of Alfred Adler but gently, conversationally. What struck me wasn’t the theory. It was how deeply it hit. I felt like I was watching a version of myself wrestle with everything I’ve believed about success, value, and being good.

Here are the lessons that cut the deepest and began to soften something in me.

1. Your past is not who you are.
I’ve built so much of my identity on old stories, childhood wounds, early rejections, the quiet fear of never being enough. I thought I was being self-aware. But this book challenged me: what if I’ve been using those stories to stay stuck? What if the past only defines me because I keep choosing it as my lens? That shook me. And weirdly, it gave me a sense of freedom I didn’t know I was still waiting for.

2. Wanting to be liked isn’t kindness—it’s control.
This one nearly made me shut the book. It felt too personal. I’ve always believed I was considerate, thoughtful, easy to work with. But the philosopher in the book asked, “Are you being kind, or are you trying to avoid being disliked?” That question gutted me. Because when I’m honest, there are times I say yes when I mean no, smile when I want to speak up, soften my words to keep the peace—not because I’m kind, but because I’m afraid of losing approval. And that’s not love. That’s fear.

3. True freedom comes when you allow others to dislike you.
In my world, where relationships and reputation are everything, this felt reckless. Why wouldn’t I want to be liked? But the truth is, being constantly preoccupied with others’ opinions left me hollow. It meant every interaction was a performance. I wasn’t being rejected, but I wasn’t being fully seen either. The Courage to Be Disliked reminded me that you can’t be fully loved if you’re not fully known—and you can’t be fully known if you’re always performing.

4. Your worth isn’t tied to being special.
This lesson snuck up on me. I’ve always prided myself on being “the reliable one.” The “go-to person.” The one who can make the impossible happen, then wrap it up in a pitch-perfect press release. And yet, I often felt resentful and invisible. The philosopher in the book suggests that real happiness comes not from being special or exceptional—but from being of use. From giving without the need to be praised. That felt quiet. And peaceful. And new.

5. All interpersonal problems begin with the desire for recognition.
This one made me sit back and think about the dynamics in my work, my friendships, even my family. How much of my pain comes from feeling unseen or misunderstood? How many times have I gone the extra mile just to be acknowledged? This book doesn’t shame that desire, but it does question whether I want to live my life according to someone else’s gaze. I’m starting to realize I don’t.

6. You don’t need to be angry to be free.
I used to believe that if I started standing up for myself, I’d have to become someone else—colder, tougher, harder. But this book introduced the idea that boundaries don’t require aggression. They just require clarity. You can choose your life without bitterness. You can be gentle and still say no. I’m still learning that one. But I believe it now.

7. Real change doesn’t start with insight—it starts with courage.
Reading this book gave me plenty of insights. But the real work has been applying them. Saying the uncomfortable thing. Being honest about my needs. Letting someone’s disappointment exist without rushing to fix it. Those moments have been hard. But they’ve also been healing. Because for the first time, I feel like I’m not abandoning myself to stay in someone else’s good graces.

The Courage to Be Disliked didn’t change me overnight. But it cracked open something important: the belief that I don’t have to spend my life performing to be worthy of connection. That I can let go of who I think I should be—and still be loved as who I truly am.

If you work in an industry that rewards perfection, if your days are built on perception and polish, if you've ever felt like you're constantly editing yourself to be digestible. This book might give you permission to finally stop. And that might be the most powerful kind of success there is.

BOOK: https://amzn.to/3F8H7Zj

Enjoy the audiobook when you use the link above.

27/04/2025

Psicóloga CORTNEY S. WARREN, formada pela Universidade de Harvard.

"7 frases típicas de um narcisista com as quais eles tentam te ferir:

1. “Você tem sorte que eu me importo”
Alguém com traços narcisistas se vê como superior aos outros, então espera que todos sejam gratos por ele escolher fazer parte da sua vida.

2. “Ninguém iria querer ficar com você”
De acordo com Warren, frases que diminuem o outro, como “Você é patética”, são comuns entre narcisistas, que tendem a se sentir decepcionados com quem não atende suas expectativas — pessoas que, para eles, estão sempre em um nível inferior.

3. “Você precisa de mim”
Essa frase manipuladora serve para reafirmar o controle que o narcisista acredita ter sobre você, e muitas vezes evolui para ameaças do tipo: “Se você continuar fazendo isso, eu vou embora”.

4. “Meus sentimentos são mais importantes” ou “Você está errada por se sentir assim”
Para o narcisista, só os sentimentos, pensamentos e experiências dele importam. Como já vimos, empatia definitivamente não faz parte desse perfil.

5. “Por que você fala com o fulano? Ele é um idiota”
Segundo a especialista, narcisistas têm uma necessidade constante de se sentir superiores aos outros — e uma das maneiras de fazer isso é rebaixando as pessoas ao seu redor. Por isso, é comum ouvirmos comentários negativos sobre sua família, amigos ou qualquer conhecido, apenas para que eles se sintam acima de todos.

6. “Se eu gritei, a culpa é sua” ou “se você não tivesse feito isso, eu não estaria com raiva”
Narcisistas não assumem responsabilidade nem por suas próprias emoções. Se algo os afeta negativamente, sempre será culpa de outra pessoa — nunca deles.

7. “Não tenho tempo para isso”
De acordo com Warren, frases como essa — além de atitudes como encerrar uma conversa com silêncio ou fingir que nada está acontecendo quando você tenta falar sobre um problema — são estratégias para evitar o diálogo. A especialista explica que eles costumam fingir indiferença enquanto aplicam a “lei do gelo”, uma forma bastante comum de manipulação.

Como responder a um narcisista?
Eles podem ser diferentes entre si, mas a resposta para todos os casos é basicamente a mesma: não reagir emocionalmente. “Faça uma pausa, mas não abandone a conversa por completo. Não grite nem fique na defensiva”, orienta Cortney. O que um narcisista procura é justamente uma reação emocional — por isso, a especialista recomenda evitá-la a todo custo.

Se não souber como fazer isso, comece respirando fundo e diga algo como: “Preciso pensar antes de responder”, ou estabeleça limites claros. Algumas formas de marcar esses limites podem ser com frases como: “Estou te ouvindo, só não concordo com você” ou “Obrigado por compartilhar sua perspectiva. Se estiver disposto a ouvir a minha, posso compartilhar também”.

A psicóloga Ramani Durvasula, especialista em narcisismo, reforça que tentar explicar ou defender seu ponto de vista durante uma discussão com um narcisista é perda de tempo. “Lembre-se destas palavras simples sempre que discutir com um narcisista: eles não estão ouvindo”, afirma.

Mantenha-se firme na sua realidade para evitar cair em "gaslighting" e tente não se deixar provocar. É difícil - mas não impossível."

- CORTNEY S. WARREN

24/04/2025

"Trust Me, I'm a "Psychologist"...
"There are precious few times and spaces left in our society in which people quietly speak to one another in a sustained, intimate conversation. The therapist’s office is one of the last safe places. Secrets, reflections, fears or confusion never leave the room.
And it is also a refuge. My patients often arrive early just to sit in the waiting room — an unusual interlude of quiet. Then there’s the session itself. In some ways therapy is, more than ever, the ultimate luxury: To be the focus of a thoughtful person who is listening, caring and helping to make sense of life’s chaos is something that the Internet can never provide."

- Anna Fels

20/04/2025

Nos dias 7, 14 e 28 de Maio o Senhor Professor Doutor Alexandre Castro Caldas irá dinamizar, nas instalações do NeuroSer, um Curso Breve de Neurologia para Não Neurologistas, dirigido não só a profissionais de saúde, mas também a todas as pessoas com interesse na temática.

Poderá consultar o programa detalhado no seguinte link:
https://neuroser.pt/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/Neurologia-para-nao-Neurologistas-Programa-1.pdf

Não perca esta excelente oportunidade de reforçar os seus conhecimentos com uma pessoa com vasta experiência clínica e de docência e uma incontornável referência na área da Neurologia.

Inscrições através de info@neuroser.pt ou 21 7506010
Valores:
- Frequência de 3 sessões: €95
- Frequência de 2 sessões: €75
- Frequência de 1 sessão: €50

18/04/2025

Admit it. You aren’t like them. You’re not even close.
You may occasionally dress yourself up as one of them, watch the same mindless television shows as they do, maybe even eat the same fast food sometimes. But it seems that the more you try to fit in, the more you feel like an outsider, watching the “normal people” as they go about their automatic existences. For every time you say club passwords like “Have a nice day” and “Weather’s awful today, eh?”, you yearn inside to say forbidden things like “Tell me something that makes you cry” or “What do you think deja vu is for?”
Face it, you even want to talk to that girl in the elevator. But what if that girl in the elevator (and the balding man who walks past your cubicle at work) are thinking the same thing? Who knows what you might learn from taking a chance on conversation with a stranger?
Everyone carries a piece of the puzzle. Nobody comes into your life by mere coincidence. Trust your instincts. Do the unexpected. Find the others.

~Timothy Leary, Source Unclear/Consider one of Leary's most celebrated books: Turn on, Tune in, Drop out https://amzn.to/4juHDzs [ad]

13/04/2025

There are wounds you can name, and then there are the ones that leave you unsure whether you were ever hurt at all. That’s the insidious damage of the covert narcissist—and it’s what makes this book such a lifeline for those who have lived through it.

Debbie Mirza doesn’t just describe covert narcissistic abuse—she names it, holds it up to the light, and says: You weren’t imagining it. You’re not crazy. You were just being slowly erased.

Here are 7 lessons this book offers:

1. Not All Narcissists Are Loud
This is the book’s core truth, and it shook me.

We think narcissists are charming, grandiose, attention-seeking. But covert narcissists? They’re quiet. “Nice.” Polite. Often spiritual. They use guilt instead of rage. Silence instead of screaming.

And that’s what makes them so dangerous. Because while everyone else sees a calm, “good” person—you’re left feeling confused, unseen, and slowly broken.

Mirza gives language to the kind of abuse that lives in the shadows.

2. You Were Trained to Doubt Yourself
Covert narcissists gaslight in soft tones. They twist your words with a smile. They subtly mock, diminish, or play victim—so you’re always the one apologizing, trying harder, giving more.

After a while, you don’t know what’s real anymore. You don’t even trust your feelings. That’s not just manipulation—it’s soul erosion.

This book doesn’t just point that out. It helps you begin the long, sacred work of trusting yourself again.

3. Abuse Without Bruises is Still Abuse
So many survivors stay stuck because there was no yelling, no hitting, no threats. And so they ask: Was it really that bad?

Yes. Yes, it was.

Emotional abuse leaves no physical marks, but it can shatter your self-worth. It can take years to unlearn the lies: that you were too sensitive, too needy, too dramatic. Mirza tells you, with so much tenderness, that your pain is real—and it matters.

4. They Play the Victim Better Than Anyone
This lesson cracked open years of confusion.

Covert narcissists thrive on appearing misunderstood, wounded, or unfairly criticized. They wear the mask of the martyr—and you become the villain. It’s how they keep control without ever raising their voice.

It’s maddening. Because they get sympathy, and you get silence.

This book helps you stop trying to prove your side—and start reclaiming your sanity.

5. You Weren’t Crazy—You Were Being Conditioned
Over time, covert narcissists isolate you. Not by force, but by subtle shifts: disapproving looks when you’re joyful, quiet contempt when you succeed, affection when you conform.

You learn to tiptoe. To anticipate. To shrink.

And then, maybe, you pick up a book like this and realize: I wasn’t crazy. I was being trained to disappear.

That realization is brutal. But also—it’s the beginning of liberation.

6. Leaving Is Hard, Healing Is Harder—but Both Are Possible
Mirza doesn’t sugarcoat it. Getting out of a relationship with a covert narcissist is disorienting. Healing feels like peeling away layers of someone else’s voice just to find your own again.

But she walks with you through it. Gently. With deep empathy.

She reminds you that healing is not linear. That relapses into guilt or longing are part of the process. That what feels like weakness is often just grief.

And that, most of all—you are allowed to take your life back.

7. You Can Come Back to Yourself
The most beautiful truth this book offers.

You are not broken. You are not too much. You are not impossible to love. You are someone who endured deep emotional abuse and is still standing.

And not just standing—slowly coming home to your voice, your light, your truth.

Mirza ends the book not in anger, but in empowerment. Because healing isn’t about hating the narcissist. It’s about loving yourself enough to stop giving your life away.

The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist is more than a book. It’s a lifeline. It’s the quiet voice you needed when everything inside you was screaming but no one believed you.

It doesn’t just explain what happened. It validates it. And it gives you the tools to walk away—not just physically, but emotionally. Spiritually. Fully.

If you’ve ever felt unseen in a relationship that looked “fine” from the outside, this book may be the mirror that finally sets you free.

Book: https://amzn.to/3G1tECD

Enjoy the audiobook when you use the link above.

11/04/2025

26/03/2025

ANSWERS TO SOME QUESTIONS!

Hi all - Ben Yalom Creative Therapy posting here. I've had the opportunity to bring some of your questions to my father, and am happy to share some of his thoughts with you. (Please note that the number of questions and lovely expressions of appreciation were much more than I expected. Because of this I have attempted to group discussions thematically, and have tagged numerous people who may have had similar questions. Forgive me if you are not mentioned/tagged, or if the discussion is not about your exact question.)

Note also that there will be more responses in the following weeks.

Okay, all that said, let's get into it:

1. "What do you thinks most helps people cope with anxiety and/or dark moods?"

To this question, and variations involving depression and fear of the unknown, my father's main response is around the importance of connection with others, the deeper the better. Having strong bonds with people you care about is perhaps the best salve for the anxiety of living. It's true that not all people seek this, or gain from this, to the same extent. But it seems nearly always helpful, even as it can be a challenging journey for many of us to learn to open up.

I would note that this valuing of connection lives at the heart of much of his here-and-now work with both individuals and groups.

2. "My question would be an ask for words of wisdom on supporting clients at such a difficult and divisive time."

Many variations on this theme, from all over the world, (particularly Ukraine and here in the US).

When I posed this question, he put his head in his hands, almost as if weeping, then commented on what a dreadful time this is for so many. A genuine sadness. He emphasized the importance of staying rooted and connected to those important to you (for therapists and your clients), and to the notion of reaching out to be helpful to others (which I would connect to the therapeutic factor/usefulness of altruism).

3. "Do you think there is free will?"
This, with some discussion of the increasing knowledge about biological factors of human behavior and experience, as well as the importance, existentially, of choosing our life paths, and searching for / crafting meaning.

We chatted about this for a while, and my main take-away is that the question of whether free will exists on an abstract level is not terribly relevant to therapy. I may be putting some words in his mouth here, but essentially we can only focus – as therapists, as clients, and as humans – on how we behave, the choices we make, how we treat others, etc. We are shaped by life experiences, and things like childhood trauma (which comes up a good deal in “Hour of the Heart”), but these are things to work through during our lives, not completely determining events.

I would add the idea that if there is no free will, then a therapist can no more “choose” what interventions or responses they are going to offer to a client, than that patient or client can “choose” how to response to these. So again, while the abstract questions about free will are intellectually compelling, they may not bear heavily on how we chose to live, nor how we do therapy.

I hope these reflections are useful, and I’ll do my best to share more of his thoughts in the weeks and months to come.

(PS – If you haven’t read “Hour of the Heart”, Amazon appears to have it at 20% off right now.)



https://www.amazon.com/Hour-Heart-Connecting-Here-Now/dp/0063321459/?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_w=KtB6l&content-id=amzn1.sym.255b3518-6e7f-495c-8611-30a58648072e%3Aamzn1.symc.a68f4ca3-28dc-4388-a2cf-24672c480d8f&pf_rd_p=255b3518-6e7f-495c-8611-30a58648072e&pf_rd_r=J9HJRRGVF07E9ZRTG35X&pd_rd_wg=p9rKN&pd_rd_r=9ad021f3-b036-4aab-925e-cc8db95b6764&ref_=pd_hp_d_atf_ci_mcx_mr_ca_hp_atf_d