09/03/2016
Talking to Your Kids About S*x by Esther Perel
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By Lindsay On Friday, March 04 th, 2016 · 4 Comments · In Blog
“When should we start talking to our kids about s*x? I’m 6 months pregnant with my second child, and our 5 year old daughter is touching my belly, asking where her baby brother is going to come from. I have no idea what to tell her, or how.” — Megha, 39
Once a child understands death, they are ready to hear about birth. At four years old, we are great theologians. Children begin to ask, “Where did Grandma go?” and “How did my little sister get here?” Talking with kids about s*x is one of the best things you can do as a parent to set them up to enjoy a healthy relationship further on; Not to mention, reduce the risk of unwanted s*x, teen pregnancy and STDs. By the time they turn nineteen, 70% of teens will have had s*x. You can help them make that a positive, safe experience. Here’s how you can do it.
How you behave in front of your children is the first conversation.
Talking about s*x with your kids is not just about having “the TALK.” It is embedded in how you, as the adults, behave around them. Many parents keep s*x hidden from their children in an attempt to protect them. We are afraid that our adult s*xuality will somehow damage our kids — that it’s inappropriate or dangerous. But whom are we protecting? Children who see their primary caregivers at ease expressing affection (within appropriate boundaries) are more likely to embrace s*xuality with the healthy combination of respect, responsibility, and curiosity it deserves. By censoring our s*xuality, curbing our desires, or renouncing them altogether, we hand our inhibitions intact to the next generation.
It’s okay to talk about pleasure.
S*x is about pleasure, we do it because it feels good. Procreation can be an outcome of s*x but for most people—especially for teenagers—the aim is self-discovery, connection, affirmation and pleasure. S*x education in America rarely discusses this, which is a confusing message for teens. It’s important that everyone, especially girls, is raised to understand that good s*x is about giving and receiving pleasure.
With a child, you can start seeding this understanding by explaining that making a baby is a process of adults connecting with their bodies and with their hearts in very special way; it’s what people who love each other do. You can say, “It feels good. Like when I do circles on your back or kiss your forehead. Adults have their way of expressing love that gives them a different kind of pleasure.”
Don’t be coy.
Be truthful and straightforward. S*x is not dirty or shameful or something that needs to be disguised. Don’t dance around the truth with phrases like “private parts” or “Mommy’s special friend.” It’s a p***s or a va**na. He is Mommy’s boyfriend. Call a spade a spade. They’re going to learn it all on the internet or on the playground anyway, so be frank. Keep your answers to their questions short, simple, and to the point. Don’t overwhelm them with a dozen new words. Discussing s*xuality with your children, is a window into feelings of self worth, aspirations, and anxieties about love and connection.
Make it age-appropriate.
If a five-year-old asks “Where did I come from?” You might say, “You came out of Mommy’s body.” If a ten-year-old asks, you might go into more detail: “After nine months of growing inside Mom’s uterus, you came out through her va**na.”
Use your judgment.
Do your research.
Talk with trusted friends.
There’s no golden rule.
You’ll be fine.
If it’s uncomfortable, know it gets easier. Talking about s*x with your children may feel awkward, especially if you weren’t raised in an environment where s*x was discussed. That’s okay. If they’re uncomfortable, it’s fine to say something like, “It’s completely normal this feels awkward, but I love you and want you to make good choices, so we need to talk about important things like this.” If you are uncomfortable, remember that you’re creating an environment where s*x isn’t shameful or secret, it’s a normal part of everyone’s lives, and you want your children to feel they can ask you anything. Try not to shut down or put the conversation off.
In sum, s*x is not the risk factor; being irresponsible, ignorant, and disrespectful are risk factors.
Look for teachable moments.
Never plan to have “the Talk”. The idea that kids will respond to one big info-dump about s*x when it has never been discussed before is not the best plan. I can’t imagine anything more awkward. Start looking for teachable moments to talk about love, s*xuality, relationships, bodies from a young age. You might discuss a pregnant character on TV or a cat having kittens in a story. Integrate the conversation into everyday life, step by step, so by the time you are having important conversations about birth control, it’s an easy conversation and your child feels open to discussing their choices with you.
http://www.estherperel.com/2016/03/talking-kids-s*x/
“When should we start talking to our kids about s*x? I’m 6 months pregnant with my second child, and our...
