Growing up I was always a Good Girl. All the grown-ups were proud. I always did as I was told and I never made a fuss. Especially as a girl, if another kid snatched my toy or pushed ahead of me in line, I was taught by society to smile meekly and step aside, to be the bigger person and above all, keep the peace.
You might ask: What's wrong with that? Sounds like a pretty great kid. Trouble is, the obedience I learned as a young child slowly became my prison.
Have you ever felt that feeling where your insides give a little jolt? A sort of hot shiver shoots up through your body as a little voice inside you screams "that's not fair!"? But rather than say something you silently seethe inside, your mind transfixed on the injustice and your body feeling it almost as sharply as if you'd been smacked, hard?
I used to feel that feeling almost every day. And over time, the feeling built up into a deep resentment of certain people and an intense desire to escape from many of the relationships I held most dear. Every time it happened, I felt small and worthless. Every time I kept silent, I gave away a tiny little piece of my power.
What is it that kept me silent?
The answer is that I never did quite believe that I really mattered. I was a Good Girl, and the most important thing above all others was to keep the peace. Don't make a fuss. Don't make trouble. Even if it means holding my own true feelings and my own wants and needs inside.
In fact, what I feel and want, and what you feel and want, is just as important as what anybody else feels and wants. When I finally believed this, not just understood it intellectually but really believed it right down into my bones, slowly but surely, I started to speak.
I started to tell people how their behaviour makes me feel when I have a negative experience with them. I started to say "no" when people ask me for more than I am able to give. I started to ask people for what I want and need. I made the decision to no longer be a Good Girl. Instead of doing everything I could do make sure everybody was happy, I made the commitment to do everything I could to make sure I was happy. My highest goal became expressing what was true inside of me.
And I can't tell you the transformation that took place in my life when I started to do these simple things. Bear in mind, I say "simple", not "easy". Every single time I used my voice like this to truly take care of myself and what I want need, it was really, really hard. I felt pure fear and anxiety before I spoke, and even experienced guilt afterwards.
But I kept going. Every time it got easier. It's like a muscle. Don't get me wrong: it can still be hard. I will be working with this for the rest of my life. But now that I have made the choice to take care of myself first, to value what I feel and need as having the highest importance in my life, I feel lighter, freer, more joyful and above all, so much more powerful. I feel unstoppable. What’s more, now that I am taking care of myself first, I have the energy and presence to take care of others better, too.
I will be working with this all of my life. This is the reality of the work we are called to do on ourselves. It keeps coming back, over and over again, in different forms, challenging us to grow and grow and grow, just a little bit more.
I am so glad that you are reading this post. Along my journey I have come across some amazing tools that have helped me free my voice and in doing so, free my soul. I am honoured to have the chance to share them with you.
If alone I feel unstoppable, with you and all the others in the Free Your Voice community, I feel nothing short of mighty.
And I hope you do, too.
