24/01/2026
"I have had enough". Is "early retirement" really shutdown, avoidance or a stuck nervous system?
In my work as a neurofeedback therapist and counsellor, I’m seeing a painful pattern from older clients who feel exhausted and resentful because their adult children (often under 30) are still living at home, expecting allowance from their parents, spending long hours gaming, refusing to work — and explaining it as “no suitable jobs,” “salary too low,” or “I have depression.”
It is clear that:
1. Mental health struggles are real.
2. But mental health struggles do not automatically remove adult responsibility.
3. And parents funding avoidance long-term usually makes the situation worse.
From a brain-and-behaviour perspective, many of these young adults aren’t simply “lazy.” Often, they’re stuck in a loop of nervous system overload → shutdown / avoidance.
Chronic academic pressure, comparison culture, and repeated failures can push a person into a crumbled state of "collapse", which includes lack of movitation, lack of drive, low tolerance for discomfort. To cope, gaming becomes a fast, reliable way to regulate feelings (avoidance, escape, control, achievement). Over time, reality, real-life tasks becomes painfully demanding.
The brain's reward system is hijacked as gaming becomes the primary source of dopamine. And when gaming becomes the main source of reward and identity, everything else feels dull, stressful, or pointless. Clinically, problematic gaming is recognized internationally: Gaming disorder is included in ICD-11 as a pattern of impaired control, prioritizing gaming over other activities, and continuing despite negative consequences. ([World Health Organization][1])
The APA also describes **Internet Gaming Disorder** as a condition needing more research (DSM-5-TR Section III), signalling clinical concern when gaming becomes compulsive and impairing. ([psychiatry.org][2])
Mental illness maybe both a cry for help and a shield
Some young adults truly have depression, anxiety, ADHD, trauma, or burnout. Others may use the label to protect self-esteem or avoid shame. Either way, they need to be assessed properly and build a structured recovery plan, not endless allowance with no milestones.
However, parents may begin with building a bond and connect with their adult children to help them face their challenges:
1. “I’m on your side. I’m not here to shame you. I want to understand what’s making this so hard.”
2. “Let’s name the problem together: is it fear, overwhelm, low mood, or avoidance?”
3. “I’m willing to support you — but support comes with a plan.”
4. “What is one small step you can take this week? Not a big leap. One step."
5. “You don’t have to feel ready. You just have to be willing to try.”
Parents may want to avoid phrases that may trigger shutdown, defensiveness, or even more gaming:
1. “You’re lazy / useless.”
2. “When I was your age…”
3. “You’re ruining my life.”**
4. “Just snap out of it / stop being weak.”
5. “If you don’t change, I’ll kick you out tomorrow!”. Such threats that aren’t consistently carried out reduce trust and increase avoidance.
Usually, they would not agree to therapy immediately. Begin with the small steps, the smallest rung:
1. Awareness: “I can admit I’m avoiding.”
2. Curiosity: “I can explore why I’m avoiding.”
3. Trial: “I can try one session / one assessment.”
4. Consistency: “I can follow a plan for 4 weeks.”
5. Ownership: “I can set goals and track progress.”
Be gentle yet firm when you suggest a home support contract with compassionate boundaries:
We will provide housing, basic meals, emotional support, help find suitable treatment/therapies, your commitment is required:
- a regular wake/sleep routine
- some basic chores need to be done
- exercise some limits on gaming
- commit to weekly “life steps” (job applications, course, counselling, exercise)
- be willing to be assessed if mental health is claimed
Note: Allowance becomes conditional support, not unconditional funding.
This protects parents from burnout and teaches the adult child that support is connected to responsibility. Because the goal is not to punish the adult child but to to help them "re-enter" adult life with dignity, while protecting parents from financial and emotional depletion.
Finally, where neurofeedback can help.
When someone is genuinely stuck in dysregulation (hyperarousal/anxiety or hypoarousal/shutdown), neurofeedback may help by improving:
* emotional regulation
* sleep stability
* stress tolerance
* impulse control
* cognitive flexibility (less “stuckness”)
* focus/executive function (planning, follow-through)
Parents often need counselling support for:
* boundary-setting without rage or collapse
* consistent consequences (not threats)
* grief (mourning the child they imagined)
* united parenting approach (no splitting)
Sources:
*Registered clinical trial for “Neurofeedback for Internet Gaming Addiction” (ClinicalTrials.gov)
Helpful as a source showing ongoing controlled evaluation of neurofeedback for IGD/IGD-risk populations.
* WHO (ICD-11): definition of gaming disorder (impaired control, priority over other activities, continued use despite harm). ([World Health Organization][1])
* American Psychiatric Association: Internet Gaming Disorder in DSM-5-TR (Section III: condition for further study). ([psychiatry.org][2])
* CareSG x Milieu Insight survey: academic pressure as a primary cause of negative emotions for many students. ([Care Singapore •][4])
