04/08/2025
I see people at their worst, hear their darkest secrets, stand beside them as they leave this world.
I bear witness to profound suffering, heartbreaking regret, unexpected peace, and lives both deeply wounded and beautifully lived.
Medicine brings you into spaces most never enter. You care for people, not just in spite of what theyāve done, but sometimes because no one else will.
One such night, I was on call and summoned to care for a dying patient. When I entered the room, I saw a face I knewā¦the patientās son. He was my friendās ra**st.
I had walked beside her through the trauma he caused. I had seen what he took from her, how she fought to rebuild. Everything in me wanted to turn around and walk out. But his mother ⦠she was innocent, in pain, and she needed me.
So I stayed. I cared for her. I eased her pain. I did my duty as a doctor.
I gathered the family when I knew the end was near and gently told them to say their goodbyes.
I watched as the son embraced his mother with a tenderness that shook me.
The depth of his grief, the rawness of his love - it was real.
When she died, and I called the time of death, he turned to me, devastated, and embraced me.
And Iā¦I hugged him back.
I was stunned by my own instinct.
I felt compassion. I felt grief. I didnāt feel the hatred I thought I was supposed to feel.
I supported him in his loss, and I did so because I was the doctor in the room, not the friend, not the witness, not the judge.
But when I got home, with my white coat off, I allowed myself to feel the weight of that moment. I felt the conflict, the anger, the quiet disgust. I stepped into the shower and tried to scrub it off ⦠not just his touch, but the confusion, the shame of not knowing what was āright.ā
I can never tell my friend.
Iām bound not just by confidentiality, but by the knowledge that she wouldnāt understand.
And honestly, I wouldnāt expect her to.
This is where medicine and morality collide, and where compassion doesnāt always feel clean. This is the uncomfortable, holy ground many healthcare workers walk on: holding space for healing while confronting past trauma, even when those conflicts seem impossible to reconcile.
There is good and bad in all humans.
And while that does not in any way excuse harm, especially the kind that leaves lifelong scars, it creates a strange, complicated space to live in⦠to see both sides.
This is what my white coat covers: the heartbreak and the healing, the anger and the grace, the part of me that is a doctor, and the part of me that is still just a human, trying to hold both truth and compassion in the same trembling hands.