Alexandria Counseling Center

07/31/2025

The notion that those who are closest to us share our beliefs and values begins in childhood. Infants cry, hoping that their caregivers will know whether they are hungry, tired, wet, or bored. Although believing that others think the way we do can be reassuring and bonding, it also can be frustrating. Studies of couples and families around the world have found that assuming loved ones share the same values and beliefs can lead to misunderstandings. Although your partner may know you well, they may not know exactly what you mean when you talk about your feelings. To avoid the conflict that can come from misperceptions, it’s useful to check-in with your partner about their statements. Simply repeating back a statement to clarify the meaning is a good first step, ie, ”So you said…, right?”
“Tell me more,“ or “help me to understand that better“ can also be helpful and affirms your interest. When sharing something very important to you, let your partner know that it’s a core belief or goal. Speak non-judgmentally from your own perspective, such as, “For me, it’s really important that…” Understand that other perspectives exist and avoid words like “should.”

Don’t make assumptions about your partners values, because it may get in the way of actually learning what’s really important to them. You don’t have to be a good mind reader to have a good relationship. But, it’s important to have the tools to try to understand where your partner is coming from. Couples don’t need to agree in order to have great relationships, but they do need to both try to understand each other and to avoid devolving into arguments when their perceptions differ.

Rebecca Hecht-Lewis, PhD
Clinical Psychologist

06/30/2025

Being ghosted by a family member can be extremely painful. Estrangement from people who you assumed would want to maintain a life long connection is hard to talk about, especially when there’s a social assumption that families remain in touch with each other out of love, responsibility, and shared history.

Sadly, the number of families experiencing disconnection appears to be growing. Research suggests that 27% of individuals are estranged from a close family member. The numbers are highest for fathers, for families who have experienced divorce, and for families navigating LBGTQ changes.

While there’s often an angry “last straw” reason for disengaging from a parent or close relative, the lack of contact will likely not be permanent. Reconciliation does happen. A first step towards reconnection is to empathically reach out and acknowledge that there is likely an important reason for the current distance that you now want to try to understand. Apologizing for any behaviors or comments that have caused pain is also essential. Finally, optimism that things can be better in the future is also useful.

Be a good positive listener should the estranged family member reach out in any small way. You may want a face-to-face conversation, but celebrate phone calls, emails and texts as baby steps toward reconnecting. Therapy can also provide a neutral space to express feelings and expectations. The goal is to look backwards only in order to find a way to move forward with understanding, flexibility and respect.

Rebecca Hecht-Lewis, PhD
Clinical Psychologist

Therapists can assist patients to identify relationships worth salvaging or help heal the pain of detachment.

06/01/2025

It’s ironic that even though “kindness” is one of the most important traits in relationships, our tendency is to dismiss, rather then affirm, kind and complimentary statements. Women tend to have the most difficulty accepting compliments, minimizing or deflecting compliments from men 60% of the time and from women 78% of the time. Since we aren’t even half way through 2025, maybe you can learn to make it the year of accepting versus killing compliments from others.

It’s pretty easy to say “thank you,” affirming the positive statements of friends, co-workers and partners. The next step is to hold on to the compliment internally instead of automatically dismissing it as untrue. Yes, people might actually like you, value your contributions, and find you attractive! Dr. Lindsey Godwin suggests keeping a compliment journal and revisiting compliments in order to help you see your strengths as others do. Compliments are gifts from others. Unwrap them graciously and thankfully. Then use those gifts to grow yourself and your relationships.

Rebecca Hecht-Lewis, PhD
Clinical Psychologist



Reflect, reframe, and let it sink in.

05/05/2025

Having a counseling practice in the Washington metropolitan area has meant that anxiety in response to job cuts and changes to federal workforce policy is now a daily topic in psychotherapy. With an estimate of 30,000 DC federal employees losing their jobs- compounded by unpredictable and negative emails demeaning their performance- the sense of meaning, purpose and financial stability has decreased. Unsurprisingly, anxiety, agitation and low mood have increased. In recent weeks, worrying patients have also included seniors without salaries who are solely dependent on their savings and social security to pay their bills.

The question of how to cope with political or economic upheaval isn’t a new one. Researchers have found that administration changes tend to make political supporters of a new administration more optimistic and non-supporters more anxious. Optimism is generally good for mental health while pessimism and anxiety actually make you sick by increasing blood pressure and inflammation. If you need to worry in order to come up with a plan, do it rationally and productively. Worrying for hours is unlikely to result in a better outcome than 10 minutes of worry. Think of your concerns as questions. Write them down to share with a spouse, friend, financial advisor, lawyer or union representative. When your productive check-in is over, set your concerns aside and do something healthier. Whether it’s taking a few minutes for exercise, helping others, completing a task, or focusing on gratitude, your anxiety is likely to decrease while physical and mental wellness are likely to improve. We think more clearly when we feel calmer.

It’s important to notice the triggers that increase your anxiety. If watching the news leads to more agitation, avoid doomscrolling & watch news no more than twice a day. If checking your IRA upsets you, do it only once a month. If interaction with certain individuals increases anxiety, try to limit those contacts. If negative emails about your performance are sent by people who know nothing about your job, remind yourself of your last positive review. Reach out to your supervisor and team for support and affirmation. Take a breath and sort out the truth: what’s about you and what’s about politics.

How to cope with turmoil in life is similar to the strategies used to heal after an illness. Focus on good sleep, exercise and nutrition. Avoid doing too much that’s stressful. Breathe slowly when you become upset. Get help and be patient. Use the advice you would give to your best friend. Keep a clear head and take care of yourself.
Things may improve over time.

Rebecca Hecht-Lewis, PhD Clinical Psychologist

Americans are experiencing a mix of emotions as Trump prepares to start his second term as president of the United States. Rachel Waford, PhD, is a clinical psychologist and assistant professor of global health at Emory’s Rollins School of Public Health. In this interview, she discusses how politi...

03/28/2025

When we think of mindfulness, we might imagine closing our eyes and taking deep, repetitive breaths for self-calming. Focussed breathing, or meditation, is a very effective mindfulness tool. However, other mindfulness techniques can also be useful for reducing anxiety, increasing focus, reducing pain, and improving communication with others.

Noticing and regulating our breath is making use of just two of our senses, auditory and physical awareness. Mindfulness encourages using all of our senses to help understand situations and to better process our own feelings. For example, simply by noticing and then mentally disempowering the physical symptoms of withdrawal by saying “This feeling usually will pass when you do this instead…” can reduce cravings for alcohol, ni****ne, and even Internet gaming. Visual cues are also important. “What do I see around me? Does this feel like a comfortable spot to sit? Does being near a window make me feel more positive?“ Adding auditory mindfulness can help us to notice which sounds help us to feel better and be more productive. If someone is speaking in a loud, rapid voice making it hard to process their message without irritation, it’s OK to say, “Sorry, would it be possible to slow that down a bit to help me understand?” If classical music soothes us and jazz energizes us, we can use that data to meet our daily goals. Aromatherapy can also be helpful by choosing smells that help us to relax or sleep (lavender) or that help with focus (peppermint.)

Mindfulness is a useful tool for enhancing communication at work and at home. Before beginning a potentially difficult conversation, first check in with your own physical and emotional state. “Are my muscles calm? Is my tone of voice soft and steady? Am I sitting in a spot where I can imagine feeling peaceful before having this conversation? Can I visualize and imagine a positive outcome and how might I get there? Would I feel more ready to connect if I was drinking a cup of coffee or sipping water while we talk?“

Mindful listening is extremely important for social connection. “Am I paying attention to the speaker’s words? What am I hearing? What is their tone? Am I making eye contact? What am I noticing about the speaker’s face?“ Am I signaling that I’m listening? Are my signals that I’m listening?” This sense of increased awareness allows us to get in sync with others.

Paying attention to your breath is the first step in a mindfulness practice. Now, think five! How lucky that we have multi-sensory tools that help us to self-soothe and to be more aware of what’s happening around us.

Rebecca Hecht-Lewis , PhD Clinical Psychologist

Engaging with the world around you can lower your stress. Here's how to practice mindfulness meditation.

02/24/2025

Even though “join me at our Death Cafe “ may sound more morbid than inviting, have an open mind. Creating a place to talk about death and dying gives us an opportunity to discuss what is a normal part of the cycle of life. These discussion groups have been found to be useful for health providers learning to cope with loss and to help their patients address the process of decline and death. These meetings have been found to decrease death-anxiety, and increase compassionate connections. Death Cafés have also been helpful for individuals who are exploring their thoughts about end-of-life decisions for themselves or family members in a non-judgmental, informal setting.

Krista Oberlander and Jane Miller will host a free Death Cafe at the Alexandria Counseling Center, at 416 Prince Street, on Thursday, March 6 from 6:30-7:30. For more information please contact Jane Miller at janemiller18@gmail.com

Rebecca Hecht-Lewis, PhD
Alexandria Counseling Center Associates

Death cafés as a strategy to foster compassionate communities: Contributions for death and grief literacy

01/21/2025

While laughter may not be the best medicine, it can actually be a very useful strategy for improving your mental health. Laughing reduces stress by decreasing stress hormones. It can also decrease symptoms of depression, anxiety and insomnia. Laughing reduces cortisol while increasing endorphins and feel-good hormones, such as dopamine and oxytocin. Laughter isn’t the only available treatment, but it can help to reduce the intensity of conditions like Anxiety and Depression. Since laughing decreases blood pressure and regulates heart rhythm, it’s a useful tool for overall well-being. Laughing, and having a positive attitude, may actually increase your lifespan. People who are highly optimistic have a lower risk of early death, heart attack and stroke.

So go ahead and listen to comedy, clip those cartoons and hang them near your desk, and don’t let influencers entice you to look at sad and highly emotional social media.
Funny cat videos? Go for it!

Rebecca Hecht-Lewis, PhD
Clinical Psychologist

There is evidence for the impact of comedy and humour for mental health and wellbeing. Existing systematic reviews have concluded laughter has a positive impact on wellbeing, however other potential benefits of comedy interventions have remained ...

12/13/2024

With the holiday season swirling around us, these words pop out: “joy,” “happy” and “merry” followed by “peace,””family”and sometimes “healthy.” Don’t forget that constant bombardment of the word “gifts.”

From a therapy perspective, “healthy “ comes first. The best gift you can give is remembering to take care of yourself. It is true that giving to others actually makes us feel good and can enhance our social connection to family & friends. But, you can’t give if you feel depleted. Try to keep up your exercise and sleep routines. Avoid excessive alcohol. Take a moment for yourself. Breathe, walk around the block and enjoy the gift of the moment.

When it comes to the “joyful”and “merry” goals, think small, not Hallmark. Take in the beauty of the sunset, the sense of completion of a year and the possibility of another. Smile at something silly. Inhale the scent of that peppermint latte. Enjoy the small wonders of each day.

The focus on “peace” and “family” will ideally coexist. Keep that goal in mind. Peace for the universe is the highest goal. Yet, the peace you can personally control today, all month & all year starts at home. Changing and improving yourself is a constant challenge. Changing family members, unless they are young children, is likely not possible. The recipe for a peaceful and happy holiday starts with being your best self. That may mean being patient when others are not. Be forgiving when it’s difficult. Be calm when others are stressed. In essence, being your best self is modeling what you would like to see in ideal partners and family members who definitely are not wearing halos. Do it altruistically, not with a tit for tat expectation that you’re going to get what you give. Being nice instead of naughty might help you feel proud of your own behavior and is likely to establish a tranquil feeling in your home.

Gifts are both important and complicated. Giving to others shows that we care. While material gifts are a visual reminder of caring that can be enjoyed repeatedly, sometimes givers are inaccurate in predicting what others want. Give feasible gifts that family members say they want, instead of making assumptions that might backfire.

Holidays can be stressful, but they can have tiny moments of peace, joy, and contentment. Use your days off from work to give yourself and others a happy ending to 2024 and a healthy start to 2025.

Rebecca Hecht-Lewis, PhD
Clinical Psychologist


Giving the right gift is difficult, in part because givers and receivers don’t necessarily agree on what “right” means. Research out of YCCI and new developments in the behavioral science of gift-giving shed light on the source of this disagreement.

11/14/2024

If you’re a worrier, you probably worry about more than one thing. Fear generalizes. So, it’s no surprise that a lot of my anxious patients are worrying about the election results. This election season has been anxiety provoking for 69% of Americans who have reported to pollsters feeling “dread,””sadness,” or “helplessness.” Many are still concerned post-election. Political anxiety, while it may overlap with generalized anxiety, affects a broader population. Due in part to increased national polarization, political anxiety appears to be growing, leaving individuals more susceptible to sleep problems and depression.

Whether the concern is about what the future might hold in the political arena, or within the boundaries of your own life, the techniques for managing anxiety are the same. It’s a good time to take a break from anxiety producing triggers like news & social media. It’s also a good time to be rational and stop catastrophizing about an imagined future. When we focus on the facts at hand, we tend to think more clearly.

Practice self-calming. Take a moment to exhale your worries slowly. When your lungs are empty, take a deep breath and hold the air inside your lungs before you exhale again. Life is one breath at a time. Remind yourself when inhaling to take in gratitude. Focus on what’s working in your life. Notice, but try to slowly breathe out your negative thoughts. Ruminating about the future, can actually make you sick. In addition to relaxing breathing, if you are unhappy about election results, use the next few months until the inauguration, and the next four years, to focus on your own self-care by increasing your exercise. Exercise makes you stronger and calmer. When you’re in a calm state, it’s a good time to jot down your thoughts about things that you actually can control. If an issue that could be impacted by election outcomes still concerns you, now is the time to look closer to home, letting the your state and local candidates know how you feel. If you’re worried about potential loss of funding for something that’s important to you, use your time to explore organizations that you might like to donate to, or volunteer for, that address your concerns on a larger level.

Be patient with yourself, your community, and your country. Life events are often unpredictable. How can you learn to live with more ambiguity? What are the productive things you can actually accomplish today? Seek social support and put energy into helping others versus worrying about things that both have not happened, may never happen, and are outside of your control.

Rebecca Hecht-Lewis, PhD
Clinical Psychologist

Psychological science shows that politics can harm our physical and mental health, but the positive aspects of political engagement can lead to greater well-being.

09/30/2024

With three months left in 2024, don’t despair if you haven’t met your goals for the year. According to James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, if you haven’t come close to your goal, you probably just have haven’t set yourself up for success. Changing habits and reaching new goals takes practice. Some habits can be formed in as few as 18 days, while other habits may take six months to change.

Simplicity and repetition are recipes for success. Setting a goal that’s too high, like losing a pound a week, might be harder to reach then a more realistic goal of continuing to lose some weight this year. Clear’s advice to writers is to just write something! Assume that 90% of what you write may be edited out, but that still leaves 10% , which is considerably more words than not writing. Writing for only 9 minutes a day turns into over an hour of writing a week.

To develop a new habit, remember to reward yourself for small measures of progress. True, you may not have run a 5K this year. But, if you start by running to the corner and then walking around the block, that still counts as a run and is beneficial to your overall health. One block may become two. Two blocks may become three. Before this year is out, you may be running a half mile.

When setting goals, know where you are standing today. Make a plan and daily routine that’s most likely to succeed. Also have a backup plan. Running around the block either at 5:30 before making dinner, or at 6:30 am before coffee, may become a new habit. Consider a fallback that’s even easier. Remind yourself that even if you don’t run in the morning or the evening, you can still take a brisk walk after dinner; you might then be inspired to run that last block. Leave your running shoes by the front door. That additional visual cue may help you to be even more likely to succeed.

Inspire yourself. Making progress feels good. A lot can be accomplished in three months, one tiny step at a time.

Rebecca Hecht-Lewis, PhD
Clinical Psychologist

If you can get 1% better each day for one year, you’ll end up 37 times better by the time it’s all said and done. Just as time magnifies the margin between success and failure, good habits make time your ally, while bad habits make time your enemy. For most, it can be natural to overestimate the...

09/05/2024

Living with a depressed partner can be challenging for a relationship, affecting both intimacy and the quality of communication. The energy necessary for romance and enjoying activities together can be disappointingly diminished due to depression. While partners may want to help, they don’t always know how to lesson depressive symptoms in others.

While it is an individual‘s responsibility to seek medical assistance during a depressive episode, that doesn’t mean that partners need to remain helpless. Basic changes like encourageng healthy eating, suggesting exercise dates, and agreeing to attend couples therapy sessions together can be quite effective. The first step is acknowledging the depression; then offering to help your partner choose strategies that might improve their mood. Be patient. While there is no quick fix for depressive disorders, try to be optimistic. If a partner doesn’t have the emotional energy to seek help for themselves, ask them to do it for the sake of the relationship. Behavioral and lifestyle changes, individual and couples therapy, and medication actually can help.

Rebecca Hecht-Lewis,
Clinical Psychologist

Living with depression can affect your relationships with others. We offer tips to help you work through challenges and strengthen your bond.

07/25/2024

Dr. Deepak Chopra’s suggestion that “obstacles are opportunities in disguise,” is a great mantra for coping with election anxiety. If you are worried about U.S. elections and politics join the club. The American Psychiatric Association’s annual mental health poll found both a 5% uptick in overall anxiety and discovered that a large majority (73%) of adults in the United States report anxiety about the upcoming presidential election.

Anxiety is a useful signal from our brain to take whatever immediate actions we need in order to feel safer. Worrying about elections doesn’t mean that you should move to Canada or rush out and buy a gun, because you are actually fine today. Take a breath and take the time to really think clearly. Political anxiety can be treated with the same tools as other worries. This is an opportunity to challenge your thoughts. Are they factual? Educate yourself on the real data about our country’s successes and challenges rather than depending on news and social media’s catastrophic language. This election could make you smarter by using fact-checking sites like PolitiFact, Factcheck. Org or Washington Post Fact-checker.

Anxiety’s signal to either take some action -or let it go- encourages us to compartmentalize anxiety. Should I do something now or later? What actions can I take? What can I do that is aligned with my goals and values, while helping me to feel safe. Register to vote, find out about early voting and mail-in ballots in your precinct. Make donations or get some added social benefits by volunteering for the candidate you researched and decided is the best option.

Use this presidential election as an opportunity to grow. Once you’re clear about what you can and can’t do, take a break. Reduce the obsessive news watching and increase your exercise to be a smarter, healthier, more clear-headed citizen now and in November.

Rebecca Hecht-Lewis, PhD
Clinical Psychologist

The 2024 results of the American Psychiatric Association’s annual mental health poll show that U.S. adults are feeling increasingly anxious. In 2024, 43% of adults say they feel more anxious than they did the previous year, up from 37% in 2023 and 32% in 2022. Adults are particularly anxious about...