12/03/2025
I know that the topic of mother or father can be triggering for many people because it could carry a lot of pain, unresolved issues or loss. Let's unpack this together...
There is a percentage of people who have had a meaningful relationship with their parents and feel completely blessed to have had them. Allah put these people in our lives so they can help us heal and teach us to demonstrate the best parenting.
When we witness something we don't have or didn't experience, our first instinct should be acceptance of qadr (predestination) and dua (prayer) for the one with the blessing.
As believers we shouldn't get stuck in the downward spiral of envy and why me scenarios. Allah distributes His blessings with wisdom and with fairness, even though we may not feel it's fair.
Then there are those who lost their parents. They may have loved them dearly and felt robbed of their presence in their lives. Their hearts are always longing to unite with their parent.
As much as we love our parents, we need to mentally prepare ourselves for a time when we may lose them either suddenly or through an illness. Once that happens we need to accept the qadr (predestination) with ihsan (excellence). It's natural to cry and feel some emptiness, but there needs to be an effort to move past the pain and live fully in the present, not just longing for the past.
There are those individuals who lose their parents and they never had a good relationship with them. The parents may have been loving, but the children may have been oblivious to their blessings. This causes a lot of guilt and remorse for not making more of an effort while the parents were alive.
You can still do good for your parents even if they have passed away. Give sadaqa (charity) on their behalf, do umrah (pilgrimage), make dua for them.
This is a profound lesson in being dutiful to our parents while we have the time. We can't assume that they will be with us for decades to come. This may be the last year we are with them or even the last day. Make every interaction meaningful, show gratitude, apologize daily and earn rewards by listening to them and making them happy.
Then there are those who lost parents that were neglectful or abusive. They never got an apology and the wounds never healed. As tragic as this is, learn to be better than your parents, heal your wounds in order to be a better parent, seek counseling and attain peace and forgiveness.
There are those who had parents that were and still are abusive either verbally, emotionally or physically. It is truly heartbreaking when the people who are meant to protect you and raise you end up breaking you both emotionally and physically.
I've worked with countless people who have suffered from their parents hurtful words, neglect and constant berating.
It's important to realize that many people have had generational trauma without any counseling or healing. Some parents have undiagnosed and untreated psychological disorders which show up during conflict and when their egos are hurt.
Pray for them, learn from their mistakes and be better than them in controlling your anger, gettin treated for any psychological disorders and heal fully from your traumas.
There are those who may have been sexually violated by their parents. As some of you gasp, it's unfortunately a harsh reality.
Many of those parents were probably sexually abused themselves. That's not an excuse, but an explanation. Each person is responsible for healing and learning to overcome the past trauma- not alone, but with the help of professionals and through programs that teach mindfulness, self-esteem and emotional stability. In my self-development program The Mindful Hearts I focus on helping women heal from these wounds.
There are those who have parents that are emotionally withdrawn and neglectful. They feel unheard, unappreciated and unloved. This leads to low self-esteem and neediness.
These parents never were given attention or validation. They may be suffering silently from depression or anxiety.
Sometimes you have to forgive without an apology. You need to move on without and explanation or validation. You need to find your peace because others may not be mature enough to have a calm discussion.
The point is that there are lots of emotions that people may have regarding their parents - they may long for them, they may resent them or they may even fear them. If you don't resolve your emotions for your parents and mend those relationships, they will always haunt you. You can't ever be free emotionally until you make peace with your parents whether they are alive or deceased.
May Allah forgive all our parents for their shortcomings. They did the best they could.
May Allah help us to honor our parents the way they deserve.
May Allah heal our hearts from the traumas of the past and present.
May we learn to be loving, mindful and peaceful parents for our children.
What was your experience with your parents and why are you committed to doing to heal?
