04/30/2026
People who say these phrases may have an avoidant attachment quality and if they are feeling this way about their own children, their child may also develop avoidant attachment quality. The problem with trying to change this is it can be hard for those with avoidant attachment to recognize what their challenges are (the “I turned out fine mentality” or “at least I’m not beating them, like I was.”). Projection and minimizing are just coping skills that people use to manage uncomfortable feelings.
Self-reflection and feelings were not allowed when they were children so it is hard to convince them that these things are important to a child’s development. But they are also necessary to their transformation… how do you enlighten someone gently to their need to heal if they find the suggestion offensive? If it feels like just another way they are failing and not the opportunity for growth, that it is? That’s one of the polar difference between avoidant and anxious attachment; Avoidant people are often unaware of, or in denial of their need to heal while anxious people are often so acutely aware of their need to heal that it consumes them. Somewhere in the middle is what we aim for. Knowing we need healing but being ok with that… as ok as one can be.
This is a little excerpt from my book….
Finding Your Calm: Responsive Parents Guide to Self-Regulation and Co-Regulation
�This book combines my knowledge of child development, brain science and trauma to offer parents a unique resource that includes lots of exercises, reflections, insights and also… links to additional research, articles and videos that can help support your healing and learning journey.
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