01/25/2021
How to Find Joy in Your Everyday Life (Even When Life Feels Awful)
There's still hope, and these simple tactics will help you find it again.
Close your eyes and picture it for a moment: pure joy. It could be sitting in the sun on a warm day, basking in the knowledge that your grown kids are on their way to visit. Or, it could be just the opposite: Finally, a moment of peace and quiet in the house after a chaotic week. Joy can seem fleeting—rare, even—but there are ways to get closer to joy on a daily basis.
Lots of people confuse joy with happiness, and although they are closely related and often occur simultaneously, these feel-good emotions aren't synonymous. Happiness is an emotion that brings bursts of intense pleasure, excitement, and satisfaction, while joyfulness is a stronger, longer-term state that results in feelings of inner peace and contentment.
"Whereas happiness can be easily manufactured, joy comes through setting up the right conditions for it to suddenly appear," says Forrest Talley, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in California. "Happiness can be brought about by a good cup of coffee in the morning or a funny movie. Joy, on the other hand, is more difficult to cultivate." It's an ongoing process that takes time.
And yet, it's worth it because of all the health benefits you get along the way. "Numerous studies suggest happiness and joy predict lower heart rate and blood pressure, as well as stronger immune systems," says Susan Damico, M.A. director at the Devereux Center for Resilient Children. "Additionally, individuals who report having more positive emotions also have fewer illnesses, including minor aches and pains." Finding joy also leads to longer life spans, Talley says. Research published in Journal of Happiness Studies found that happier individuals tended to live longer in 53% of the cases.
Below, you'll find expert- and science-backed ways to add more joy to your life—starting now:
1 Look for meaning.
mom teaching her son biking at park
While the events of 2020 sure make it hard, think about what you can learn from tough circumstances. "If you're having a difficult time with this global pandemic, try to find something meaningful about it," says Sandy Marantz, L.C.S.W., Ph.D., of Westmed Medical Group in Yonkers, N.Y. Maybe you've realized you actually like spending more time with your family and don't want to go back to an office five days a week. Understanding what quarantine has taught you can make the harder days more worthwhile.
2 Think small picture.
top view of hot cappuccino coffee in a yellow cup with latte art on wooden table background
If scrolling through Instagram leaves you wondering why you didn't marry a banker like your college friend who now lives in a "house" the size of a palace, Brian Wind, Ph.D., and Chief Clinical Executive at JourneyPure, says to zoom way in, like hour-to-hour. What could bring you joy today? "It can be easier to attain than 'a lifetime of happiness,'" he says. "Ultimately, all of those little moments will build up to create joy." You know what won't? Superficial things, even palatial homes.
3 Straighten out your spiral.
When we're upset, we have a tendency to think about everything else going wrong in our lives and spin out. So, Damico recommends being more intentional about remembering what you do have—even if it's as foundational as the legs that let you stand upright. And it doesn't have to mean starting a gratitude journal if that feels cheesy to you: "Choose something you do every day, like brushing your teeth or waiting for the coffee to brew, and use that time to reflect on what you are grateful for during that moment." It comes down to this quote she likes, by David Steindl-Rast: "It is not joy that makes us grateful. It is gratefulness that makes us joyful."
4 Make room for a passion.
young woman sewing protective face mask indoors at home, quarantine concept
If your day is full of responsibilities, consider how you can carve out even 15 minutes for an activity you're passionate about—whether it's sewing masks for healthcare workers or reading a new book with your kid. "Your joy comes from what you feel passionate about, and your passion is your purpose," says licensed therapist and radio host Jaime Bronstein. "Finding joy in life leads you to understand why you are here, and what causes your life to be sustainable, meaningful, and purposeful."
5 Set a goal outside of your comfort zone.
happy female runner jogging in the morning in nature
Every day feeling like more of the same? You need something that excites you. Talley encourages working toward a new goal that feels interesting, meaningful, and challenging—something that takes you out of your status quo—like running a half marathon, even if it's virtual. "This will not only bring enhanced joy on a frequent basis, but upon succeeding at your goal, you will experience a sublime sense of joy, the memory of which will also bring joy," he says.
6 Be present.
We're usually either thinking about the past or planning for the future—but neither mindset will bring you joy. "Finding joy can only truly exist in the now," says William Schroeder, licensed professional counselor and director of Just Mind Counseling. He says replaying the past or anticipating the future denies us the connection to our own reality and can cause a great deal of pain. "If you can learn to exist in the now, then you will free yourself from pain connected to the past or future," he says. Now that's a nice thought.
7 Confront your past.
Ruminating about a past work mistake is one thing—but it may be that you're suffering from a trauma that requires more attention. Negative experiences and pain from the past can create barriers to accessing joy, Bronstein says. "Doing the work to get beyond those barriers is hard, but it's worth it," she says. So, give yourself permission to find a good therapist or counselor. "By healing the past, evolving, growing, and thriving, you can live life from your true self—fully in your joy."
8 Choose authenticity.
It's easy to get wrapped up in the performative nature of social media. Ask yourself: Are you living to please others—or are you living as you genuinely want to be? Choosing your authentic self will help you achieve joy, Bronstein says. "Joy is our organic state, but life happens and we forget what it feels like," she explains. "Joy is always there underneath those barriers."
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9 Volunteer.
You know the phrase that always pops up around the holidays, It's better to give than to receive? Annalisa Smithson, M.A., ME.d., therapist at Animal-Assisted Therapy, LLC, says doing good for others really does have a positive effect on our mental health. In one recent study, one group practiced "prosocial behavior" (acts of kindness) whereas another prioritized self-oriented habits for four weeks. The result? Acts of kindness led to higher levels of psychological wellbeing and positive emotions.
10 Re-connect with nature.
Getting outside is crucial to finding joy, Smithson says. A study published in Landscape and Urban Planning compared participants' moods after walking through nature verses those who walked through a city setting and found that the former experienced less anxiety, rumination, and negative effects overall. They also experienced more positive emotions and performed better on memory tasks.
11 Make opportunities for laughter.
When someone around you is belly laughing, there's a 90% chance it'll bring a smile to your face as well. "Laughter is contagious, and so is joy," says Leela R. Magavi, M.D., regional medical director of Community Psychiatry. Aside from being an obvious form of fun, there are so many health benefits to a good LOL. "When we laugh, we release endorphins into our body that can offer natural pain relief." Laughter also reduces stress and boosts our immune system, says Paula Wilbourne, Ph.D., co-founder and chief scientific officer of Sibly.
12 Seek out positive people.
Your sour mood may be because you're spending too much time around pessimists. "When we're around happy people, we tend to feel happier ourselves," says Nicole Arzt, L.M.F.T., who serves on the advisory board for Family Enthusiast. If you've noticed you're mostly bonding with people while venting, consider deepening relationships with those who can reframe things more positively (without ignoring your feelings, of course). Eventually, it may pay off in dividends. "Happy people are more inclined to create strong social connections," Mahalli adds.
