Terry Real - Relational Life Institute

Terry Real - Relational Life Institute Terry Real has been a practicing family therapist for more than 25 years. He also regularly appears on Good Morning America.

He is a bestselling author and has been featured on NBC Nightly News, Today, The CBS Early Show and Oprah.

01/28/2026

Patriarchy survives on female silence. Restoring voice where there's been silence, and empathy where there's been dominance, is how we heal together.

01/28/2026

One of the most painful roles in a family is being the scapegoat child.

You weren’t the problem, but you were treated like one. Somebody had to carry the family’s pain, and you were elected.

You were the difficult one, the rebel, the truth teller.

It’s a thankless job, and the legacy you no doubt carry is shame.

But here’s the good news.

You have open eyes that see what others can’t, and a big heart that feels what others won’t.

The task is learning how to bring those gifts into intimacy.

How to yield and not feel like you’re giving in, how to stand up for yourself without a chip on your shoulder.

Awareness gives us choice.

You can’t rewrite your childhood, but you can stop letting it define you and your relationships.

Open your heart and let love in.

This sounds simple. It's not.Speaking with love instead of righteous indignation requires you to do something that goes ...
01/27/2026

This sounds simple. It's not.

Speaking with love instead of righteous indignation requires you to do something that goes against every instinct you have when you're upset.

You have to let go of being right.

You have to drop the need to prove your point, to make your case, to get your partner to see that you're justified in feeling the way you do.

You have to stop waiting for them to admit they're wrong before you're willing to be vulnerable.

That's a lot to ask. Especially when you genuinely believe you ARE right.

But here's what I've learned in 40 years of doing this work: The need to be right is the single biggest obstacle to getting what you want.

Because when you lead with "You're doing it wrong," your partner stops hearing you and starts defending themselves.

But when you lead with "I know you love me" and "Here's how I feel," something shifts.

It takes practice. It takes discipline. It takes catching yourself mid-sentence and choosing a different way.

But the alternative is 20 more years of the same fight.

So ask yourself: Do you want to be right? Or do you want to be close?

01/26/2026

Patriarchy is built on the delusion of power and dominance. But in reality, we live in an interdependent world. We are wired for connection, it is our lifeblood.

People assume that because my wife Belinda and I are both therapists, we've figured out how to never fight.But that’s no...
01/25/2026

People assume that because my wife Belinda and I are both therapists, we've figured out how to never fight.

But that’s not always the case.

Your knee-jerk fight-flight-fix reaction doesn't disappear just because you become a therapist.

We both grew up in violent families. That fighting survival instinct we learned early is still there, waiting to be set off.

The difference isn't that we don't get triggered. It's what we do when we are.

We take a break, cool down, and then one of us walks toward the other and asks: "What do you need?"

Not "Let me explain why I was right." Not "Here's what you did wrong."

Just: "What do you need?"

That's the practice.

And here's the part most people misunderstand: I'm not doing this for her. I'm doing it for me.

Because I know how I want to spend my evening. I know what kind of marriage I want.

And spending three days locked in a cold war over something that could be resolved in 20 minutes? That's not the life I'm choosing.

You can win the argument, or you can have the evening.

After 40 years together, I know which one I'd rather have.

01/24/2026

When we shift from disconnection into connection, the experience is so nourishing and enlivening that it carries us forward.

Relationality moves us because it’s what we’re designed for.

C.S. Lewis understood something most of us spend our whole lives running from.The truth that to love is to be vulnerable...
01/23/2026

C.S. Lewis understood something most of us spend our whole lives running from.

The truth that to love is to be vulnerable – the two cannot be separated. You can't experience the deep joy of connection and stay completely safe at the same time.

So many of us choose to protect ourselves. We wall off our hearts, we control, we withdraw, and we keep people at arm's length.

We build a fortress around us where we’re finally safe. But we’re also all alone.

This gives us a choice…

We can keep our hearts locked away, telling ourselves it's the smart thing to do. Or we can soothe the frightened little child inside us and reach for something more.

Intimacy asks us to have the courage to take that risk. Even when the scared part of us tries to fight it every step of the way.

Connection is what we're born for. It's the only thing that truly fulfills us and makes us happy.

C.S. Lewis knew it, and somewhere inside, you know it too.

01/22/2026

Girls don't lose their voices by accident. They're taught through reward and punishment that silence is the price of belonging.

Speak what you really think, and risk rejection. Stay quiet, and be loved.

But as Carol Gilligan reminds us, this bargain comes at a cost. Not just to women, but to the relationships that depend on their truth.

01/21/2026

Watch my full interview with — you’ll find the link in the first comment below 👇

Our culture loves intense gratification. It acts like a drug, and we’re addicted to it.We chase the high of the big mome...
01/20/2026

Our culture loves intense gratification. It acts like a drug, and we’re addicted to it.

We chase the high of the big moment. The standing ovation, the closed deal, the flattery of an affair.

It makes us feel alive and pulls us out of whatever emptiness we're trying to escape.

The problem is, it never lasts.

You get the hit, and then you need another one. And another.

Somewhere along the way, you stop being able to feel anything that isn't at full volume.

Meanwhile, your kids are tugging at your sleeve. Your partner is asking you to be present. And you're half-asleep on the couch, wondering why you feel so empty when you have everything you were supposed to want.

What's missing isn't more intensity. It's relational joy.

This is the far deeper pleasure of just being in the relationship, present and connected.

The lazy Sunday in pajamas, the board game that goes on too long, the nothing-special evening where you're just together, cuddling on the couch.

It may not be exciting or Instagram-worthy. But it's the thing that actually fills you up.

And it's waiting for you, right there in your living room. You just have to be willing to stop chasing the high long enough to feel it.

01/19/2026

This is what our harsh inner voice does. It zooms in on the failure and builds a case for your unworthiness. And if you let it run, a small moment of imperfection can spiral into days of self-punishment.

The practice is simple but not easy: meet that harsh inner voice with compassion. Not dismissal – compassion. Remind it of what it's forgetting. Then ask it, kindly, to sit down.

It’s easy to make your partner the problem.You tell yourself, “They’re just selfish.” “They’re just unaffectionate.” “Th...
01/18/2026

It’s easy to make your partner the problem.

You tell yourself, “They’re just selfish.” “They’re just unaffectionate.” “They just don’t get it.”

And maybe some of that is true.

But as long as you stay focused on who your partner is, you can’t see what you might be doing to keep the pattern alive.

The trick is to shift from blame to accountability.

Not “It’s all my fault,” but rather “What’s my part in this dynamic?”

Because every relationship is a system – two people in a dance they’ve both helped choreograph.

You can’t change how your partner moves by controlling or criticizing them. But you can change the dance between you by changing your own steps.

When one person shifts, it creates space for the whole relationship to change and repair.

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