Terry Real - Relational Life Institute

Terry Real - Relational Life Institute Terry Real has been a practicing family therapist for more than 25 years. He also regularly appears on Good Morning America.

He is a bestselling author and has been featured on NBC Nightly News, Today, The CBS Early Show and Oprah.

09/08/2025

I once had a mom screaming at her child, “I will not let you take this family down!”

I had to say, “Excuse me, Mom, he's eight. Eight-year-old boys don't have the power to take a whole family down.”

That’s the interesting thing about being the scapegoat child – the truth-teller, the rebel, the “difficult one.”

On the surface, you were disempowered. You were blamed, shamed, and told you were the problem for voicing the dysfunction everyone else was sweeping under the rug.

But underneath, you were what we call falsely empowered – handed more power than a child should ever carry.

The legacy of that role is shame, and it becomes hard for us to open up and receive love.

We live in a world in which we often feel like we have two choices: comply and collapse, or defy and fight for our freedom.

Neither of those gives us real intimacy.

We must step into a third option: learn to open your heart, stay connected, and lean in with love for both you and your partner.

If their affection gives you life…Their withdrawal will feel like death.Healing means this:You learn to sit with yoursel...
09/07/2025

If their affection gives you life…
Their withdrawal will feel like death.

Healing means this:
You learn to sit with yourself.
You remember the abundance in you.
And you stop using your partner as a self-esteem dialysis machine.

09/06/2025

We all establish long-term relationships with people who are enough like what we grew up with that they throw us back into our old childhood drama.

Rather than turning to your partner, we must learn to turn into the wound. That is how we heal.

For years, I was a skunk, and to say my attitude stunk was an understatement.I didn’t just express my emotions, I spraye...
09/05/2025

For years, I was a skunk, and to say my attitude stunk was an understatement.

I didn’t just express my emotions, I sprayed them everywhere. If something upset me, my reaction was fast and furious: I was convinced that the louder I got, the more I’d be heard.

Newsflash: That’s not what happened.

Belinda, my wife, is also a fighter, so our arguments escalated fast. Neither of us was really listening, we were just trying to win. And in the process, both of us were losing.

Here’s what I learned the hard way: your automatic response to conflict isn’t about the present, it’s about the past. It’s what you learned to do long ago, in your family of origin, to survive. It protected you then, but that doesn’t mean it’s helping you now.

I had to learn to pause, to take a breath instead of firing back, to remember that Belinda wasn’t my enemy — she was my partner.

And if you’re more of a turtle or a deer? Your work is different, but just as important. Instead of retreating or appeasing, you have to stay present. Speak up. Let your needs matter just as much as your partner’s.

So, who are you in conflict? A skunk, a turtle, or a deer? And more importantly — is it working for you?

My guess? Probably not. But hey, maybe that’s just me.

I’d love to hear from you.

09/05/2025

Intimacy does not rest on men being taken care of… but they are tough privileges to give up.

Is there a part of me that would love a wife-mother to pick up my socks, take care of all my needs, and make the world easier for me?

Sure.

But I don’t grieve it so much that I forget what it costs for my wife to play that role.

The truth is, intimacy is the connection between two freestanding individuals who are vulnerable, honest, and support each other.

So, men, here’s the challenge:

If you’re going to move beyond the old role, move beyond all of it, not just half of it.

I’m sorry to break it to you, but you don’t get to be sensitive, open-hearted, and still keep traditional entitlement on the side.

Come into your long-term relationship as an equal amongst equals.

Be powerful and connected, assertive and loving, speak up for your needs and show up for the needs of the people you love.

That’s a true family man.

You’ll be healthier, happier, and your family will be happier with you, too.

Silence can feel like safety. But all too often, it’s just avoidance dressed up as peace. If you want real closeness, yo...
09/03/2025

Silence can feel like safety. But all too often, it’s just avoidance dressed up as peace. If you want real closeness, you’ll need to take the risk of saying what’s true.

09/03/2025

You are enough. You just may not believe it yet.

The truth is, many of us didn’t have childhoods that gave us healthy self-esteem, myself included.

For most of my life, I hated myself. I couldn’t sit still and be with myself without some form of distraction or self-medication.

You’re not alone if you beat yourself up when you screw up or when your performance falls short of your expectations.

Often, the harshest voice is the one that lives inside our own head.

But remember this…

Your essential worth and dignity are the same as the person to the left of you and the right of you. It cannot be added to, and it cannot be taken away.

You are enough, and you matter.

Not because of your performance or who does or doesn’t approve of you – but simply because you are human and you are here on this planet.

Now, decades later, I can say I have a very loving relationship with myself. I'm comfortable inside my skin – but it didn't come naturally.

As adults, healthy self-esteem is a rare gift that only we can learn to give ourselves.

If you’d like to learn how, join me on a transformational journey to quiet your inner critic, build a loving relationship with yourself, and extend the same warmth and compassion to others.

Comment WORKSHOP for the link to register.

09/02/2025

Empathy starts simple: if you want to be alone, do what you want. But if you invite someone into your world, you have to care about what they want, too.

I used to get so caught up in *how* Belinda was saying something that I’d miss *what* she was saying entirely.I’d react ...
09/01/2025

I used to get so caught up in *how* Belinda was saying something that I’d miss *what* she was saying entirely.

I’d react to the tone, the exaggeration, the edge – instead of hearing the truth underneath.

It took me a long time to stop defending myself and start listening.

And that’s when everything started to change.

We’ve all experienced hurt in our relationships. But, despite the pain, relationships also have the immense power to bri...
08/30/2025

We’ve all experienced hurt in our relationships. But, despite the pain, relationships also have the immense power to bring us profound healing.

That’s why understanding the relational traumas of our past — however small we may tell ourselves they are — and how they show up in our present relationships is critical for forging healthier connections.

You can start on that path today, by discovering how you show up in your relationships and understanding your default responses during conflict.

Take my FREE Relationship Grid Assessment to learn more — comment GRID below for a link in your DMs.

For generations, men have been taken care of. Now, it’s time we learn to take care of each other.If we want loving, last...
08/28/2025

For generations, men have been taken care of. Now, it’s time we learn to take care of each other.

If we want loving, lasting intimacy, then it requires both partners to choose to be vulnerable, honest, assertive, and to support each other.

Equal to equal.

So, if you step beyond the traditional role, step beyond all of it.

Not just the parts you’re comfortable leaving behind.

08/27/2025

If no one taught you empathy, it’s not your fault. But it is your work.

Living a relational life means moving past self-protection into mature, loving, and open-hearted connection.

Address

Arlington, MA

Website

Alerts

Be the first to know and let us send you an email when Terry Real - Relational Life Institute posts news and promotions. Your email address will not be used for any other purpose, and you can unsubscribe at any time.

Shortcuts

Share

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Share on LinkedIn
Share on Pinterest Share on Reddit Share via Email
Share on WhatsApp Share on Instagram Share on Telegram