12/08/2025
Are you a people pleaser?
If you go along to get along, you keep the peace, and you say “yes” when you mean “no...”
The first question I have for you is this:
Who did you regulate as a child growing up?
Somewhere along the line, you likely learned to adapt by putting your own needs aside and accommodating the needs of someone else.
And if you're like many of the people I work with, the consequence of not serving others — of asserting your own wants and needs — was being called selfish.
People pleasing served a purpose back then. It kept you safe. But today, it’s not protecting your relationship. It's slowly destroying it.
Every time you say “no” when you really mean yes is another deposit in the bank account of resentment.
And eventually, you will need to cash out on that resentment. It will leak out as distance, coldness, and it will poison intimacy.
Years later, it will show up as “I don’t know what happened between us…” and by then, it might be too late.
The truth is you cannot be intimate and conflict-avoidant at the same time.
You have to be willing to rock the boat and assertively and lovingly go after what you want.
“Honey, I know you love me. We're a team. This is great, but this would work even better… What could I give you to help you give it to me?”
Standing up for yourself and the vitality of your relationship with love is not selfish. It’s good relational practice.
