Terry Real - Relational Life Institute

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Terry Real - Relational Life Institute

Terry Real has been a practicing family therapist for more than 25 years. He also regularly appears on Good Morning America.

He is a bestselling author and has been featured on NBC Nightly News, Today, The CBS Early Show and Oprah.

10/17/2025

It’s easy to focus on what your partner is doing wrong.

Especially if they are doing something wrong.

But real growth begins when you ask yourself:

What’s my part in this dynamic?

Not because it’s all your fault. Not because you’re to blame.

But because this is the piece you can work with.

This is what moves a relationship forward – not waiting for them to change, but choosing to show up differently yourself.

You don’t have to cause the problem to be part of the solution.

10/16/2025

If your partner is upset with you, I’ve got news for you: this moment is not about you.

This is not the time to trade grievances or be defensive. Your job is now to lean in, listen, and do what you can to bring you both back into connection.

10/15/2025

Many of us are guilty of dressing up our requests as “needs.”

“Need” is a demand word, and what you’re really saying is “do this, or else.”

By and large, I ask people to not use it. Save demands for when they actually belong – bottom lines and ultimatums.

Sometimes, that’s exactly what’s needed. We all need limits. But in a healthy relationship, demands are the exception, not the rule.

10/14/2025

You don't ask somebody why they cheat. You ask them why they say no.

However much they love their partner, something in them overrode their no.

It’s up to them to figure out what that was.

10/13/2025

What’s unkind is going along with what you don’t want, pretending it’s fine when it’s not. That’s not generosity — it’s self-abandonment dressed up as politeness.

And the cost? Resentment. Quiet at first, then louder. It builds. It leaks out in snide comments, in cold silences, in pulling away from the very person you’re trying to protect.

You can’t have true intimacy without honesty.

You can be loving and assertive. If something doesn’t work for you, the kindest thing you can do — for both of you — is to say so.

10/12/2025

So many men today are lost and bewildered.

They’ve been raised in a culture that tells them that to be a man is to be invulnerable. To be tough. To never let them see you sweat.

But that’s not working. For them, or for their relationships.

Sometimes the moment calls for fierceness, sometimes it calls for tenderness.

This is not about feminizing men. This is about making whole human beings.

Strong and tender. Fierce and loving.

That’s the kind of man we need more of, and that’s the kind of man every boy deserves to grow into.

10/11/2025

Don’t answer your inner critic with more harshness and self-loathing. Put your loving arms around this part of you and form a relationship with it that is firm, respectful, and compassionate.

10/10/2025

Hurt feelings don’t have to turn into resentment. Use the Feedback Wheel to tell your partner what’s going on without escalating conflict. Honest, clear, and kind communication changes everything.

This is one of my 20 Essential Practices for Loving & Lasting Relationships.
You’ll find the link to download them in the first comment.

10/09/2025

You’re feeling disconnected from your partner. Maybe even unwanted.

So you reach for s*x – not just for pleasure, but for reassurance. For closeness.

But instead of saying “I miss you,” you complain and hint, saying, “Why don’t you ever initiate anymore?”

You may think you’re reaching for connection, but it lands as pressure.

And nothing shuts down desire faster than feeling like an obligation.

So what do you do instead?

You stop using s*x as a test of whether you’re loved.

You stop asking, “Why don’t you ever want me?”
You say, “I want to feel close to you again.”

You shift from demand to invitation.

And you give them something they might actually want to respond to.

10/08/2025

“I need this from you” is a demand. “This is what I'd like from you. Let's work together” is an invitation for teamwork.
Stay humble, subjective, and work together to find a way that works for both of you. That’s your loving power.

10/07/2025

You don’t heal from infidelity by “moving on.”

You heal through accountability.

The partner who broke the trust has to face the damage they caused.

They have to say: “I did this. I see how deeply I hurt you. I’m sorry. I have no excuses.”

The hardest part isn’t what they did. It’s what it does to you.

You start to doubt your own perception. You wonder how long you’ve been lied to.

You question whether you ever really knew them — or yourself.

This is what betrayal does. It shakes your reality at its foundation.

If you’re here, the first thing I want you to know is this: you’re not crazy.

This kind of rupture would destabilize anyone.

The second is: don’t rush yourself.

You don’t owe anyone forgiveness. You don’t owe anyone closure.

If they want to repair this, they need to take full responsibility — without rushing you, managing you, or expecting you to make it easier for them.

What happens next is up to you.

10/06/2025

I’m a New Yorker and moved to Boston 40 years ago. And let me tell you, Boston has some of the worst drivers in the world!

In New York, somebody will pull ahead of you, but they'll move.

In Boston, somebody will cut you off just to drop to 20 MPH and make you sit there.

Now, back when I was a blue-collar kid from Jersey, I’d roll down the window and let them have it.

But not anymore.

These days, when I’m sitting there, fuming at the wheel, I take a breath. I look at that head bobbing along in the car ahead of me, and I say to myself:

“You may not deserve this. But I do.”

I deserve to breathe myself down from anger, judgment, and contempt.

There’s an old saying: “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

And it’s true.

Bring yourself down from one-up grandiosity, not because they deserve it.

But because you do.

Address

Arlington, MA

Website

http://www.terryreal.com/

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