08/17/2025
While this shift isnโt dependent on age, from recent conversations with people approaching their 30s and beyond, Iโve noticed how much their definition of friendship has evolved, and how much harder making new friends can feel.
In our early years, friendships often formed out of proximity. You bonded over shared classes, late nights out, or simply being in the same stage of life. But as the years pass, those easy circumstances fall away, and what we want in a friend changes, too.
We start to seek alignment. Itโs no longer enough that we once laughed at the same inside jokes or went to the same parties. We want aligned values, vulnerability, and genuine care instead of just filling space in each otherโs calendars.
Priorities also shift. Some people raise kids while others live child-free. These differences donโt make one path better than the other, but they can create distance if the effort to connect deeply isnโt mutual. A friendship without presence, trust, or authenticity begins to feel more like an obligation than a source of nourishment.
Making friends later in life feels like learning to swim in deeper water. The stakes feel higher because time feels more precious. You canโt afford to wade in slowly, building intimacy through countless casual encounters. Instead, you find yourself having surprisingly honest conversations with near-strangers, both of you wondering: Is this person safe enough for my real self?
What becomes clear is that friendship in adulthood isnโt about the number of people around you, but about the quality of the energy they bring. We become less tolerant of relationships that drain us, and more protective of the few that genuinely uplift us.
Perhaps the most beautiful thing about adult friendship is how it teaches us that intimacy doesnโt require history. You can meet someone at 35 and, within months, feel more understood by them than by people whoโve known you for decades. Thereโs something special about being chosen for who you are now, not who you were when you had fewer choices about who that might be.
