McClain Counseling and Family Therapy

02/03/2023

If there is anything I regret as a parent, it is this. There are no do-overs, no matter how we try.

Our expectations of children can be so high when, quite often, they are mirroring what we do. We may not see what they are doing as important, but it is to them. That doesn’t mean that they shouldn't do what we ask, but it does mean that we need to take into consideration what they are doing. We can't expect them to drop everything and respond straight away. Give them warnings for when they need to do something else. Or give them options for when they can do what you are asking. This really is just treating them with the respect we all want.

05/13/2022

Day 7 of 30 Days of Mental Health Tips: Don’t compare yourself to others.

It’s hard, I know. Our competitive society pits us up against each other, forcing comparisons. But typically it doesn’t help our self-confidence; rather, we see our shortcomings against everyone else who has the “perfect life.” We look at social media posts of people who seemingly have it made. We see people who seem to make it look easy to have a successful career, the perfect relationship, and crowds of friends.

Rather than lamenting on what you lack, instead focus on what you’d like to do differently, or a new skill/pasttime you’d like to learn. Or reframe things for a better fit for you.

I’ll give you an example: I use a Fitbit, and for years I have heard that 10,000 steps is the magic number or the minimum one needs to maintain fitness. But try as I might, I could not manage to get that many steps about once a week. So I felt bad about myself, and wondered why I couldn’t measure up. Finally, I realized 10,000 steps each day is simply unrealistic for me, given the plantar fasciitis in my foot and my erratic schedule. I recently read a study report that says 4,000 steps per day is a good amount for senior adult women. So I have revised my daily step count to 5,000. It’s a much more realistic goal for me. When I happen to get more than 5,000, it’s all good!

You are a unique individual. You have to follow your own path, not anyone else’s. And no one can walk your path for you. Just be you, the best you you can be.

05/10/2022

Today’s day 6 of 30 Days of Mental Health Tips is about managing chronic pain.

Most of us, at some point in our lives, and worsening as we get older, tend to have some form of chronic pain, or a long-term medical condition. What is yours? Is it in your back/spine? Aching joints? Abdominal pain? An autoimmune disorder or long term illness? Or do you have migraines?

Traditional western medicine treats disorders and pain with drugs. Many of these drugs can be dangerous or unhealthy to take long -term and some are addictive. While most people with serious medical conditions cannot ditch the drugs entirely, you may be able to supplement them with mind/body techniques.

So let’s try it: find a comfortable seat away from interruptions. Close your eyes, and breathe deeply a few times. Allow your body to soften and relax as you breathe. Just sink into the cushions. Return to regular light breathing.

Now we’ll do a quick body scan, starting with your feet and working up to your head. Beginning with your toes, and moving through your feet and heels, mentally notice if there is any soreness or tension there. Move up through your ankles, calves/shins, knees and thighs. Then on up through your hips and buttocks, into your lower back. Notice if there is any tightness or tension. Up the spine, then over the front to your chest and abdominals area. Back up to your shoulders, down your arms through the biceps, elbows, forearms, wrists, hands, fingers. Back up to your shoulder, up into your neck. Many people hold a lot of tightness in their shoulders and neck. Up through the neck/throat, into the jaw, the cheeks, behind the eyes, the forehead and finishing up with the top and back of your head. As you mentally move through your body, note any sensations you have.

Now keeping your eyes closed, return to focused breathing. Allow your body to relax any remaining areas that are tense. Imagine your heart center as a warm, glowing, golden light. Touching your chest/heart center with one hand, feel the love and caring that emanates from your heart. Just hold there for a few minutes, breathing naturally and feeling the warmth of your chest. Now with your other hand, touch the area of your body that you have identified as having pain or distress. Allow the energy to flow from your heart center to the painful area. Imagine warmth, love and healing to flow from your heart to the area of pain. Imagine healthy blood flow all through your body. Hold this for a few minutes. Then allow your hands to drop down into your lap or at your sides. Just breathe naturally for a few more moments, taking in the sensation of the breath, in and out. When you are ready, open your eyes.

How do you feel? Let me know how that was for you. If you’re not used to methods like this, it might feel weird or awkward at first, but with practice, it will start to feel more natural, allowing deep relaxation and healing to take place.

05/09/2022

Day 5 of 30 Days of Mental Health Tips.

The world is so full of negative messages. These images come at us every day, through the news, politics, the angry, critical words of others, and the daily challenges of life. The constant sadness, anger and anxiety can fill us with dread and depression about life.

We need to ward off this negativity with more positive images and thoughts. So every day, or as often as possible, read or listen to positive, uplifting material. These can be in the form of books, magazines, podcasts, or auditory recordings of books.

I am a lifelong reader. I like to always be learning and growing as a person. While I enjoy many different genres of books, lately I choose self-help and inspirational titles from Audible to improve my mental state. What I like about Audible is that you can read (listen) while doing other activities, such as walking exercising, or chores. Some people listen during their commute to work.

Also, apps such as Blinkist and Headway allow you to download shortened versions of popular books. These summaries are usually between 20-40 minutes, just the right amount for busy people who find themselves with not much time to read, or have a short attention span and struggle to get through an entire book.

So, try it! Exercise your mind and give yourself a dose of positive mental energy at the same time. If you need some ideas of specific books or titles to try, let me know.

05/08/2022

This is Day 4 of “30 Days of Mental Health Tips.” Today’s tip will focus on emotions.

How do you tend to handle your emotions? Do you avoid them, pretend they aren’t happening? Or do you wallow in them, allowing them to drown you, overwhelm you? Everyone experiences all emotions, even those who consider themselves logical, to be above emotions. Both avoiding the feelings, or wallowing in them are unhealthy responses.

Yes, emotions can be painful. Many people feel that they are victim to their emotions, and believe that those feelings are uncontrollable, sweeping them away in its’ current. They do not believe that they can learn to manage those emotions, rather than being controlled by them. Many others ignore or try to avoid the feelings because they don’t know what to do with them. But avoidance does not make them go away. Instead, the avoidance leads to a separation between your self and your experience.

Consider this: emotions are necessary and inherent parts of the human experience. Without emotions, we would all be like robots- pure logic, reacting to stimuli and data without passion or fulfillment or personal expression. Emotions are what connect us to the world, to people, to each other. Emotions make our experiences full, rich, and meaningful.

Yes, many emotions such as sadness, grief, fear and anger can be difficult and painful. But these painful feelings allow us to fully experience our lives. And they are signals to us of what we need to work on, how we can grow, and how to direct our responses.

So, rather than try to avoid these difficult feelings, sit with the emotions. Allow them to flow through you, wash over you. Don’t struggle in them, simply let them be. Notice what you are experiencing in the moment. Become aware of what your thoughts are, and how your body feels. Don’t try to direct or control the emotions, just experience them as a part of you. Allow yourself to connect fully.

And if you are one of those who gets overwhelmed and feeling that you are drowning in your emotions, a different mindset may help. Imagine the emotions to be like ocean waves. At the beach, waves can be gentle or strong, depending on weather, ocean currents, tides, topography, etc. The ocean’s waves wash up, splashing on the shore, and then recede, going back out to sea. You cannot hold back the ocean’s waves; they will continue, no matter how hard we try to stop them. When there is a particularly strong tide, or rip current, the waves can pull at you, threatening to take you out and under, drowning you. You may remember instructions from a beach trip on how to manage a strong current or undertow. We are told to swim parallel to shore, working with the waves, rather than try to fight against the waves. So with drowning emotions, rather than fight against the current, try to relax and swim gently across the waves of emotions, parallel to the shore. Eventually, the current will ease up, the pull will be less overwhelming, and YOU WILL SURVIVE. Then walk out of the waves of emotion and dry off.

Emotions aren’t horrible things to be avoided, nor is it inevitable that you won’t survive their power. Approach your emotions with awareness and acceptance. You will be okay.

Jump on in, the water is fine.

05/07/2022

30 Days of Mental Health Tips: Day 3.

Do you have lots of negative thoughts about yourself and your life? Most of us do from time to time, but people with anxiety, depression and anger have more of them and have them more frequently. Occasional negative thoughts are inevitable, but you may sometimes find yourself spiraling down into a deep, dark abyss. It may start with something that doesn’t go well, or a mistake you make. But instead of stopping with “Oh, it’s frustrating that didn’t go well” or “well, I really screwed that up”, you continue: “Nothing ever goes right for me.” “I mess everything up.” “I can’t do anything right.” I’m a failure.” “No one likes me.” “Everyone hates me.” “I’ll never get this right.” And on and on.

Any of this sound familiar? This is the path of starting with an awareness that one thing went wrong to generalizing it to everything else in your life. Then you’re no longer looking at the situation realistically, you have driven yourself into doom and despair. These automatic negative thoughts (ANTs) become a very self-destructive habit.

How to fix this? First, become aware of when and how often you are doing this. Pay attention to what situations, people, thoughts and emotions seem to precede the despairing thoughts. Then, prepare yourself with more realistic, healthier thoughts. “Yes, I messed that part up, but some of it I did really well.” “I learned a lot from that situation, so next time I’ll be able to do it better.” “Not everyone is going to like me, and that’s okay.” “I’m really improving in my awareness and understanding of this problem.” Can you think of some others? Write them down if that helps- writing can make your thoughts feel more real somehow. Write it on sticky notes, and put on your fridge, your bathroom mirror, in your car, etc.

Please note that this is not Pollyanna, rose colored glasses naïveté. That kind of thinking is unrealistic and prevents self-awareness. It can lead to what we call “toxic positivity.” Instead, you are training your mind to think in ways that accept reality, but also lead you toward more effective, healthier thinking patterns.

Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t get it right away (ANT). Your are teaching your brain to change an old habit, and create a new one which also takes time. Be gentle with yourself: “I can see that I’m trying. I can feel myself getting better at this. I’m learning new thinking patterns and that takes time.” Again, guiding your thoughts toward more realistic, effective thinking.

Try it for a few days or weeks, and let me know how it’s going!

05/05/2022

So I had just gotten started with my “30 Days of Mental Health Tips” when I got off track. Disappointing news steered me away from my path. But I’m back. I will pick up where I left off, and extend my journey into June.

So today, Day 2, I will focus on just that- how difficult, upsetting or stressful times can shake us up. Sometimes these experiences shake our faith in God, shake our faith in humanity, or shake our faith in ourselves. These tough times are inevitable; it is all part of the human experience. When this happens, it is okay to take a little time to rest, protect yourself, go into hiding, lick your wounds.

It is important, though, not to stay there. Recommit, nurture yourself, find your strength - and your strength is there, I promise you. Remember and reflect on the wonderful parts of you that have gotten you through this life up to now. Come out of hiding and look for the good: the beauty of nature, the kindness of people you love and respect, the self-expression through creative or artistic means, the ability to think and reason. Allow these things to flow through you to motivate you to get back on your path. Your path is unique to you- no one can define it for you. Sometimes the path is rocky, treacherous. Sometimes the path is boring, straight and flat. Sometimes the path is wonderful, with joy, beauty, creativity, love and nature. To paraphrase REM and Jacques Clouseau, It’s all part of life’s rich pageant. Embrace it, make it yours, live your life.

Life will always have things to steer us away from our path. We just need to go inward, refocus, and gently guide ourselves back to the path.

05/02/2022

As I sit on my deck this sunny May morning, sipping coffee and listening to the birds chatter and chirp, I began to reflect on the fact that May is Mental Health Awareness Month. With the many deaths by su***de of celebrities being regular news, it is important to note that the su***de rate in the US has steadily risen over the past couple of decades.

Thus begins my Facebook journey of “30 Days of Mental Health Tips.” Each day, I will share a post with one simple practice I do to improve my mental health. Feel free to follow along with me.

Today, day one, I want us to reflect on the breath and breathing. Life begins with your first breath, and ends with your final breath. In between, your body breathes hundreds of thousands of times. If you live to be 80, you will have taken approximately 672,768,000 breaths during your lifetime.

Many of us are living our lives caught up in our thoughts and our mind is very disconnected from our body. This mind/body disconnect can lead to us feeling disconnected from life. Mindful breathing helps us to bring our body and mind back into alignment.

So get in a comfortable seat, close your eyes, and begin focusing on your breathing. Focus on how your body feels as you breathe in and out. When your mind wanders from your breath, gently bring it back. Meditation breathing is typically 10-30 minutes long, but even breathing mindfully for just 2 minutes can help to relax the body and calm the mind.

Hope you were able to do this simple exercise. Enjoy your day, friends. Namaste!

07/01/2021

“I am 2. I am not terrible…I am frustrated. I am nervous, stressed out, overwhelmed, and confused. I need a hug.”

From the diary of a 2-year-old:

Today I woke up and wanted to get dressed by myself but was told “No, we don’t have time, let me do it.”

This made me sad.

I wanted to feed myself for breakfast but was told,
“No, you’re too messy, let me do it for you.”

This made me feel frustrated.

I wanted to walk to the car and get in on my own but was told, “No, we need to get going, we don’t have time. Let me do it.”

This made me cry.

I wanted to get out of the car on my own but was told “No, we don’t have time, let me do it.”

This made me want to run away.

Later I wanted to play with blocks but was told “no, not like that, like this…”

I decided I didn’t want to play with blocks anymore. I wanted to play with a doll that someone else had, so I took it. I was told “No, don’t do that! You have to share.”

I’m not sure what I did, but it made me sad. So I cried. I wanted a hug but was told “No, you’re fine, go play”.

I’m being told it’s time to pick up. I know this because someone keeps saying, “Go pick up your toys.”

I am not sure what to do, I am waiting for someone to show me.

“What are you doing? Why are you just standing there? Pick up your toys, now!”

I was not allowed to dress myself or move my own body to get to where I needed to go, but now I am being asked to pick things up.

I’m not sure what to do. Is someone supposed to show me how to do this? Where do I start? Where do these things go? I am hearing a lot of words but I do not understand what is being asked of me. I am scared and do not move.

I lay down on the floor and cry.

When it was time to eat I wanted to get my own food but was told “no, you’re too little. Let me do it.”

This made me feel small. I tried to eat the food in front of me but I did not put it there and someone keeps saying “Here, try this, eat this…” and putting things in my face.

I didn’t want to eat anymore. This made me want to throw things and cry.

I can’t get down from the table because no one will let me…because I’m too small and I can’t. They keep saying I have to take a bite. This makes me cry more. I’m hungry and frustrated and sad. I’m tired and I need someone to hold me. I do not feel safe or in control. This makes me scared. I cry even more.

I am 2. No one will let me dress myself, no one will let me move my own body where it needs to go, no one will let me attend to my own needs.

However, I am expected to know how to share, “listen”, or “wait a minute”. I am expected to know what to say and how to act or handle my emotions. I am expected to sit still or know that if I throw something it might break….But, I do NOT know these things.

I am not allowed to practice my skills of walking, pushing, pulling, zipping, buttoning, pouring, serving, climbing, running, throwing or doing things that I know I can do. Things that interest me and make me curious, these are the things I am NOT allowed to do.

I am 2. I am not terrible…I am frustrated. I am nervous, stressed out, overwhelmed, and confused. I need a hug.

*edited to add: I have finally identified the author! Thank you, Dejah Roman for your POWERFUL words*

05/28/2021

As we approach Memorial Day, let us reflect on those who gave the ultimate sacrifice. In appreciation, I am happy to provide four free counseling sessions to anyone who has lost a loved one in active combat or in the military. Contact info listed. 💜

04/15/2020

Absolutely.

Karen Salmansohn

04/02/2020

FYI, Gwinnett magazine is offering free advertising and publicity for small businesses: