30/04/2023
Why do people rarely want advice?
Dua 28, grew up with loving parents, but her mom struggled with her emotions.
Anytime she went to her mom for support, her mom had a tendency to make the situation about herself. When she was a teenager and told her mom she didn’t want to be a doctor, her mom said “can’t you just do it for me?!” After her first breakup, her mom said: “he’s not good for you anyway. I went through many men before I met your father!”
There was little space for Dua, and her moms feelings centered all conversations.
Dua has picked up the same habit. When her friends come to her with problems at work or in relationships, she goes into advice mode. Her boyfriend Tyrone just lost his father. Watching him in grief is too overwhelming for her. When he talks about his father, she lists of all the things she did after a close friend died. He’s seeking support, but she hasn’t leaned how to give it. So he shuts down.
Dua never leaned:
- what people actually want is empathy
- rarely do they need advice (most of us know what we’re ‘supposed to do anyway)
- how to simply listen, even when she feels uncomfortable
- how to ask someone: how can I support you right now?
- how to not insert herself or her own emotions