Mothers Unfolding

04/27/2022

On a trip to the grocery store one day, I had an epiphany about me, my son, and the meaning of life.

03/18/2022

Newborn mamas, read this. The better it gets, the better it really gets. 💖

Every stage has its ups and downs. But I can promise parents of newborns there's so much to look forward to. It's an amazing journey.

10/29/2021

It's really not you mama. You are enough. I promise. ❤

It's not you. The fact that you’re struggling to enjoy motherhood has less to do with you than it does the inadequate support structures in the culture surrounding you.

You may be isolated in your home, but you are far from alone in your struggle. I've heard enough heart-wrenching tales from enough soul-starved mothers now to be able to say, beyond a doubt, that this is a collective struggle. It’s an epidemic. It’s systemic grief we're all feeling.

Motherhood is meant to be experienced within the loving embrace of sisterhood. Just as trees grow stronger and taller with their roots intertwined and their canopies overlapped for protection, we thrive together in ways that simply aren't possible alone.

The fact that you're overwhelmed, worn out, and struggling to enjoy the very same children you would give your life to protect, is not a reflection of your inadequacies or lack of heart. It's a reflection of your many unmet needs within a culture that banks on your disempowerment.

We've got to be more gentle with ourselves. Without self-compassion (and loads of it), we're especially susceptible to the lies that have us blaming ourselves for what is actually the fault of an oppressive capitalist machine driven by patriarchy and white supremacy.

Don’t buy the lies. You are enough, and you’re doing a beautiful job. 🌿

*photo credit Jote Khalsa

08/28/2021

♥️

I have this internet friend. A mum I found on this here app. We have never met or spoken in real life, but somehow through the magic of type, have bonded over our similarly natured Orchid boys and a shared love of the Beatles.

We seem to have had the same motherhood journey, only a year apart.

A while back I was having one of those hard months. One of those humbling months where I was thrust back into those feelings of the early days. I couldn't shake the sense that I was doing everything wrong. I was feeling anxious and unable to sleep.

She would send me these breathing exercises to do. We would message each other every evening with our "wins" for the day. No matter how seemingly trivial or uneventful. Some small thing that made us go to sleep a little happier.

Things like "He ate an apple today", "He let me cut his nails whilst awake", "He let me wash his hair", "We got out the house with no tears", "He sang a George Harrison song to me".

Sometimes it is the recognition of these small moments of ease within a day that are enough to spur you on, enough to feel that you are a half-competent mum.

Sometimes it is the person sat miles away, on a different time zone, who you will never meet, who will possess the words that you need to hear. Because they once needed to hear them too.

Sometimes it is enough to know that someone, somewhere in the world, is experiencing this motherhood in the exact same way that you are.

Art:

Words: Karen McMillan (Mother Truths)

05/23/2021

Always a mother unfolding. 🌀♥️

Remember that scary moment when you downloaded the wonder weeks app and realised that you had about two days reprieve a month when your child wasn't leaping. And that these wonder weeks went on for years. Half-relieved that there is some explanation. Half-terrified that this is your life now.

I had foolishly thought that this was getting easier. That motherhood was like some sort of computer game mission whereby you gradually unlocked achievements and suddenly you're on the home straight. But I was wrong.

It's been one of those humbling months where you realise that this feeling of never quite being enough is forever. There's always something to worry about. Always something that will come along and suck the joy out of parenting. So I better toughen up some.

I am realising that I increasingly have to relinquish control of his happiness. That I cannot personally resolve every single problem, as hard as I might try. That sometimes all I can do is be there.

I have come to learn that we as mothers regress too. Back to those early wobbly days. And that our confidence sometimes takes a battering.

So instead, I go back to basics, get creative and embrace the silliness.

I understand now why my dad would skip his four daughters to school every morning, straight after his night shift. Yes, he was trying to distract us from our childhood worries, but he was also dancing his way through the weight of it all.

Words: Karen McMillan (Mother Truths)
Image: Yarn Birdy

02/10/2021

Let's sling this around again. It sure helped me breathe a bit deeper.

https://forksandchopsticks.wordpress.com/2007/05/13/all-my-babies-are-gone-now/

01/29/2021

Lockdown baby,

You won’t remember these days, although they will shape your generation. You will grow up learning about the COVID 19 pandemic in school, making friends with children who lost family they never got to meet. You’ll be taught about the death toll, the vaccine, the masks, and about how the entire world closed its doors, and everyone stayed at home, not once, not twice, but over and over again throughout a year, and then a little bit more.

What you cannot learn though is how it felt for the parents of the “lockdown babies.” The dark lows of isolation and fear combined with the simple but powerful pleasure of unbroken skin to skin contact and nesting safe at home. The tears that fell at 6am after a long night of feeding, rocking, feeding, rocking. No support group to go to in the haze of morning - nowhere to go where mama or papa could be handed coffee, a biscuit, and feel the human connection of a hand on shoulder, or a warm, tight hug that says, “It’s ok.”

You won’t remember the hours of Netflix watched with you cuddled in tight and close, cheek to chest, oblivious to the politics right outside the door. You won’t remember the Pizza eaten over your head, delivered at 3pm after a Zoom consultation to check your latch. The bells that rang on Christmas Eve, the smell of banana bread, the daily walks with you tucked into a carrier or pram – brief glimpses of other humans as they passed, heads down, hurrying home, or faces turned smiling – desperate to talk to ANYONE, even if just to say “hello” and bathe in the warmth of a returned smile and eye contact.

Sweet lockdown baby, we can’t lie to you – it wasn’t how the first year together should have been. you were going to swim, learn massage and yoga, and sit in a circle with mama and other parents, all of them bleary eyed yet blissfully in love, as they planned daytime cinema visits, Mummy and baby lunch dates, and hikes along the seafront. The endless hours of solitude were at times unbearable, but what we remember more than the loneliness and uncertainty is you. We remember your warmth and weight – body to body as you settled into your new reality together. The little chirps and squeaks, the wriggles, the gummy first smiles. How wonderful to know nothing but love. Even when the world was upside down.

Thank you, Lockdown baby. You kept us going.

07/13/2020

Science that explains why it's so necessary for the human brain to experience touch and holding in infancy.

Dr Francis Champagne at Columbia University studies how nurturing touch in early life changes the infant brain to make infants more nurturing parents. This research shows us that by nurturing our babies, we are creating a legacy for nurture by changing their DNA.

Using animal models, Dr Champagne has found that nurturing touch in infancy, makes epigenetic changes on estrogen receptors in the hypothalamus of babies. If an infant receives high touch in infancy it leaves marks on their DNA to turn up the production of estrogen receptors. When an infant with high estrogen receptors becomes a parent, they show more parental care. Then those babies grow up to continue to pass on genes and behavior for nurturing care.

This work shows us that we CAN and we WILL create cycles of intergenerational nurture!!!
Some of us are continuing or strengthening nurture from our babyhoods, and some of us are creating a brand new cycle of nurture. None of us are perfect but we are all trying our best💜🧠💜
Reference PMID: 18462782

07/11/2020

💗💗💗 wonderful teachers these small humans 💗💗💗

Why is my child’s behaviour so triggering?⁣⁣
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Yesterday I shared that we need to shift our focus from controlling our child’s behaviour in triggering moments to looking inward and focusing on controlling/regulating ourselves. ⁣⁣
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There are many variables that lead to dysregulation: hunger, exhaustion, stress, overwhelm, overstimulation, burnout, unmet needs, and so on, which are all apart of the NESTS (nutrition, exercise, sleep, time for self and support) we’ve been talking about and working on.⁣⁣
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But there is a very important and less talked about piece that contributes to our triggers and reactions-- our upbringing. ⁣⁣
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This conversation comes up in sessions regularly and sounds something like “my child is acting in ways I was shamed for when growing up and it makes me so angry” or “my parents would never tolerate this type of behavior”⁣⁣
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Tolerance… this is such an interesting word to unpack. ⁣⁣
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Definition of tolerance: the ability or willingness to tolerate something, in particular, the existence of opinions or behavior that one does not necessarily agree with.⁣⁣
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When our parents couldn’t tolerate our big emotions or reactions they may have spanked, put us in our room, shamed us, yelled, etc. Teaching us that there is no space for these big or negative emotions.⁣⁣
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We learned to shut our big or negative feelings down or forced them to go underground because those around us couldn’t tolerate them. ⁣⁣
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When we shift our mindset to allow for and tolerate big emotions we become more effective coaches for our children. We help to teach and coach them through their big feelings rather than wanting them to stop and shut them down because it is hard for us to deal with them. ⁣⁣
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In these moments recognize that you are triggered. Breathe. Realize that you haven’t made space for this feeling before. Continue to breathe and build tolerance for that feeling. ⁣⁣
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You are strong and resilient. You can handle the big emotion.⁣⁣
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And guess what?! When you allow both you and your child to feel all the feels, the emotion rolls in and out much faster than when we try to resist and cage it. ⁣⁣
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Keep showing up imperfectly perfect ❤️

07/10/2020

“Touch and responsiveness make lifelong epigenetic changes in the hypothalamus. This means caregiving turns on genes to influence lifelong stress responses and mental health.”

Dr Tallie Baram at UC Irvine leads research investigating how nurture changes the emotional brain area called the hypothalamus.

They hypothalamus receives signals from the amygdala. When the amygdala detects a threat, either external from the environment or internal from thoughts or the body, it sends signals to the hypothalamus. The hypothalamus releases a stress hormone (called corticotropin releasing hormone or CRH) which travels to the adrenal glands to signal release of the stress hormone cortisol.

Cortisol is what prepares our brain and body to respond to the perceived threat. The right amount of cortisol is adaptive, we need stress to do practically everything. However, high levels of stress or prolonged periods of stress can be harmful, to the health of the brain, mind and body.

Dr. Baram has found that nurture makes epigenetic changes in the hypothalamus. This is an image from an animal study - the image on the left is the hypothalamus from an individual who received lower amounts of caregiver touch and the image on the right is from an individual who received higher amounts of caregiver touch. There is a BIG difference. With lower touch there is higher cell density of cells containing stress hormone CRH, higher amounts of stress hormone produced and released, a slower to recover stress response, higher susceptibility to depression behavior in adulthood and lower cognition in adulthood.

Touch and responsiveness make lifelong epigenetic changes in the hypothalamus. This means caregiving turns on genes to influence lifelong stress responses and mental health. PMID: 20862706 Link to article in Stories

07/02/2020

Mothers know this. This applies to COVID too. NO separation of mothers and babies!

Millions of children were evacuated from their homes in British cities and sent to the countryside during World War II. It would affect many of them for life.

06/24/2020

For the night shift. 😴 💙

The sleep trenches 😴

Of 2hour wakes for months. Where a 3 hour stretch was a luxury, for 2 years. Those nights of 30min-1 hour intervals and you lose count of how many times you’ve woken.

The sleep rage.
The tears.
The isolation.
The heaviness.
The comparison.
The desperation.

It’s not a ‘hard’ competition, either.

But there are things that can help, which have nothing to do with aiming to improve your baby’s (or toddler’s) sleep. Knowing these things helped me..

➡️ That (safe) cosleeping is healthy and normal. Do whatever will get the most rest for both mum and baby.

➡️ Our beliefs, perceptions, predictions, confidence levels, anticipations, and family relationships can impact sleep - ours and our baby’s.

➡️ Surrendering to the lack of control can feel less scary than holding tightly onto an expectation of their sleep, that you ultimately have no control over.

➡️ If breastfeeding, learn how to breast-sleep ASAP

➡️ If it’s been over 30mins trying to get them to sleep, stop and try again after a reset. Don’t spend hours in a dark room, feeling like you’re failing, and burning out your patience.

➡️ Notice the stories you tell yourself and others. You’re allowed to complain about how tired you are without it being ‘your fault’ for not sleep training. But try not to get stuck in the ‘it’s so hard’ narrative to the point you can’t see a way out.

➡️ Don’t let how last night went, steal the potential and joy from your day. Feet in the earth. Fresh air in your lungs. Focus on right now, one moment at a time.

➡️ If you can’t bring in nighttime help, any daytime help will support how you cope at night.

➡️ Have a focus in your life other than babies and sleep 😅 notice where you expend your energy, what conversations you’re having, and what’s in your newsfeeds.

➡️ Remember how important of a job you’re doing. Nighttime parenting matters. This will get better. But you don’t have to cherish every minute, either. Claim your own experience. This is YOUR Motherhood.

Msg me if you’d like to learn more about the one to one mothering support I offer 💞

06/23/2020

Responsiveness is what grows our babies’ brains.

Psst! Did you know that the idea of babies being able to self soothe is a total myth?
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Let's break it down because this myth is what sells non responsive sleep training. Parents are told they're doing their babies a favour and teaching them a lesson, a life skill if they just leave their babies to cry alone to sleep...because it's teaching them to self soothe. Only it's not true!
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Why? Because self soothing refers to the ability to regulate one’s own emotions; a developmental milestone that can’t be rushed. The last part of the brain to mature is the neocortex; it is the rational or analytical part of our brain that enables us to assess a situation and mediate our response.
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In infants and young children, the neocortex is extremely undeveloped, quite literally making it a physical impossibility to rationalize and deal with strong emotions and unmet needs.
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This is why young children rely on us, their parents, to externally regulate their emotions for them until they are capable of doing it for themselves - we need to lend them our prefrontal cortex.
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The same goes for time outs - putting a child in a room alone or on a naughty step doesn't teach emotional regulation nor is it healthy for moral development.
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These approaches teach children that they're on their own. That nobody is coming. That we value external behaviour and that internal needs aren't important.
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Of course, no parent intentionally means to do that - which is why all parents need judgment-free support and collectively we can call out these practices for what they are...and do better, for our kids and ourselves. Parenting consciously through connection gives our kids what they need and helps us grow and evolve alongside them. It makes parenting easier with time and way more fun.
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So lean into this. Don't worry what anyone else says. The early years are all about nurturing and making space for big emotions. It’s beautifully messy work.

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Quote text by 💕

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🌎Peaceful parenting resources: http://t.co/T8goym3P6Z
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www.LRKnost.com
Fighting a rare, incurable cancer, but I'm still here!💞 L.R.

06/18/2020

For the yearling mamas. ❤️

THAT FIRST YEAR

The year that two became three
No. More. Hot. Tea.

The year of not leaving your side
For more than an hour
And feeling revived
From a two minute shower

The year of white noise
Cuddles and baby slings
As you slowly adjust
To the outside things

The year of sleep regressions
Monkey impressions
Panicked Google searches
Too many to mention

The year I realised that women
Really do hold all the powers
Rocking and pacing
For hours and hours

Being more selective of
The company I keep
And dreading that question
So how does he sleep?

The year of building
All the rods for my own back
Binning the baby books
And not looking back

Endless walks with the pram
To help you to nap
Pounding the pavements
Looking like crap

One whole year to realise
That there's no wrong or right
There's what works
What you need
In the middle of the night

The year of doubts and fears
And bending the ears
Of family and friends
He'll sleep eventually
But when?

But you're more than
Your sleep struggles
So much more

You're that look of wonder
At a knock on the door
Your giggles
Your protests
And that tiny roar

Beaming with pride
As you take in your stride
Learning to roll, crawl and stand
And wave your wee hand

A sudden respect for those
Who've done all this before
But with two, with three, with four
Or more

The year of grand plans and dreams
Of these homemade cuisines
But some days just called
For eggs, chips and beans

And yet somehow you thrived
And we just about survived
The hourly wake-ups
And some almost-breakups

You really did shake-up
These two kids

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Words: Karen McMillan (Mother Truths)
Image: Pascal Campion Art

MOTHER TRUTHS The Poetry Book is available to buy as ebook or paperback: https://linktr.ee/mother_truths

05/27/2020

I see you weary, sleepy, bone-tired mamas. 👀 You will get to the other side! Promise! (And then it’ll just be something different) ♥️

I was always looking for a reason. A why? There must be some plausible explanation for these never-ending wakeups.

It's the white noise. I didn't buy that flippin sheep. I should have introduced that from day one.

He's too hot. He's too cold. It's these grobags bothering him. He should be wearing socks. That'll be it.

I'm leaving too long a gap before bed. He's overtired. Or could he be under tired? I didn't tire him out enough today. Didn't take him to enough structured activities. He's understimulated. He's overstimulated.

He's not eating enough. He's eating too much. I should be feeding him all those sleep-making foods. Like bananas. Or that magic cherry juice. I need to get my hands on that cherry juice.

Our bedroom layout is all wrong. Bad Feng Shui. It's this house. We need to move house. Tonight!

The bedtime routine isn't solid enough. Did I remember to say goodnight to enough objects around our bedroom? The lamp. I forgot to say goodnight to the lamp.

I should have bought that sleepy scent from Lush. That's where I've been going wrong. Because nobody ever slept before Lush developed that sleepy scent.

Omg, the doubt. The constant second-guessing. It was bloody exhausting. Almost as exhausting as the actual wakeups. It would be comical if it didn't nearly tip me over the edge.

So convinced was I that his sleep was abnormal, that there must be some medical explanation, we had appointments with ENT departments for suspected sleep apnoea. But there was nothing.

Because he wasn't 'struggling' with his sleep. I was.

He wasn't a code to crack, a problem to solve. He's not what needed fixing. It was me that was broken. Or rather the unrealistic expectations that I held. So very broken.

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Words: Karen McMillan (Mother Truths)
Image:

04/17/2020

Before the ultimate transformation, there is chaos and goo. So much goo. This sticky place is precisely where the magic happens. ❤️

This will make sense to those of us who know the Inanna story

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