08/14/2023
When we grieve, we tend to live in the past (What if I had…?) or in the future (When will I move forward?). DBT asks us to focus on the present: to accept things as they are without judgment. Yes, that without judgment piece is crucial and, yes, it’s harder than it seems. So what does mindfulness look like in grief? Next time you find yourself thinking “Gosh, I’ll never get through this,” try reminding yourself: “Yeah, this sucks… And I’m doing my best right now to cope.”
Check the Facts
In grief, our emotions are often motivated by our (sometimes inaccurate) interpretations of a scenario. “Check the Facts” is an exercise used to change our emotions by changing our interpretations. If that doesn’t make sense, here’s a quick example: I feel guilty following my dog’s death.
Interpretation: I could have done more to prevent my dog’s death. If only I taken him to the vet earlier…
Check the Facts: I did everything I could to prevent my dog’s death. In reality, he wasn't having any symptoms that led me to think he needed to be taken earlier. Even if I had, taking him to the vet earlier would likely not have made a difference.
Opposite Action
This is one of my favorite coping tools, especially for grievers. It involves acting opposite of how we feel and what our emotions are telling us to do. While it’s sometimes healthy to wallow in grief, Opposite Action can come in handy when your grief is getting in the way of the life you want to be living. For example, if it’s been a while since your loss and you’re still turning down invites to join friends for dinner… but feelings of isolation/loneliness are starting to kick in... it may be time to challenge yourself to implement Opposite Action. Next time a friend invites you somewhere, you'll probably feel the urge to turn them down. This time, commit to making plans and throw yourself into them.
Grief and Loss can cause so many emotions and cause us to make decisions we wouldn't have made otherwise.
Also, I have attached a photo with different coping skills to help with distress tolerance and emotional regulation.
One coping skill example I like to use when I’m dealing with crisis is TIPP.
TIPP stands for;
Temperature - Cooler temperatures decrease your heart rate (which is usually faster when we are emotionally overwhelmed). You can either splash your face with cold water, take a cold (but not too cold) shower, or if the weather outside is chilly you can go outside for a walk. Another idea is to take an ice cube and hold it in your hand or rub your face with it.
Higher temperatures increase your heart rate (which is usually lower when you feel depressed, sad, or anxious). You can take a hot bath, nestle up in a blanket, go outside on a hot day, or drinking a warm tea.
Intensive Exercise - When you have a built-up energy as a result of experiencing overwhelming emotions, it can be a really good idea to spend this energy by doing a cardio work-out. It doesn't have to be anything fancy - you don't need special equipment or expensive membership in a gym. Simply get on your feet and do one of the following: go for a run around the block, do jumping jacks in your room, go outside and walk fast. You can also try jumping rope, dancing or lifting weights (if you already have them). Do this for 10-15 minutes but don't overdo it. When you spend that conserved energy you will feel more tired and your overwhelming emotions will become more balanced.
Paced Breathing - In order to reduce the physical manifestation of the overwhelming emotions you feel (for e.g. increased heart rate, flushed face, dry mouth, sweating etc.) it helps to try to control your breathing so that its rate will eventually decrease. Try the following technique: breathe in deeply through your nose (abdominal breathing) for four seconds and then breathe out through your mouth (for six seconds). Do this for 1-2 minutes.
Progressive Muscle Relaxation - In order to relax the tense muscles in our body while we are experiencing extreme emotions, you can try progressive muscle relaxation. You can do this from a seated position. Start with the top of your body - become aware of your muscles and the upper back and deliberately tighten them for five seconds. Then let go - you should feel the region loosening up. Keep doing this with your arms, your abdominal and back muscles, your bottom muscles, thighs and upper legs and calves. This is a great way for your body to let go of the excessive energy that has built up with the overwhelming emotions.
If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts or a crisis, please reach out immediately to the Su***de Prevention Lifeline at 988 or text HOME to the Crisis Text Line at 741741. These services are free and confidential.
