05/04/2021
Recovering from postpartum PTSD
The trauma was a decade ago but is still raw + anxiety-inducing. I’ve never spoken publicly about it because 1.) it took me years to identify and 2.) I was told that it was my fault. “Why can’t she just get over this and move on?” “She’s so sensitive, dramatic, emotional…” So I shoved it away, suffered alone, eventually agreed to participate in the social “pretending”, and then dove into birth + postpartum support in the hopes that I could prevent new mothers from having a similar experience.
The year my son was born I had almost no support. I was alone while raising my son during my husband’s deployment. (BUT xoxo .) Most nights I cried myself to sleep with his heartbeat thumping on my chest. He wouldn’t sleep without me so we were almost inseparable. I don’t remember how I fed myself, showered, got groceries, maintained the house...I don’t remember any of it. One afternoon he wouldn’t stop crying and I had nothing left to give. I put him in his crib and I laid on the floor in the fetal position. We both cried until we fell asleep.
On top of that, at 6 months postpartum I was traumatized by an experience that jeopardized the safety of myself and my son. It crushed me and thus began years of mental health struggles. It stripped me of joy and the sense of security that all humans need to function in an optimal way. And I’m certain that it’s one reason my body cannot hold new life again.
I’m sharing this because I know some of you have experienced this. And I need you to know it’s not your fault. IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT. I wish I had believed that sooner and surrounded myself with people who supported and valued me. So here’s your permission, babes, to prioritize your mental and emotional health. Suffering is not an option. And “f**k you very much” to anyone who suggests your mental health challenges deem you unworthy of attention and care.
reproductive.psychiatristnichellehaynes
ID: mother holding baby in gray and blue ring sling, while sitting on a bed staring directly into the camera.