05/25/2025
Howdy from Texas.
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From a different town, surrounded by a little more land and a lot more trees. Away from the constant vibration of our quickly growing former city. What’s paradoxical is that I love people. They (you) are my “forever-special-interest”. I’m already missing aspects of our old community. But the change was good and necessary. I needed some insulation, so to speak.
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I feel too much, absorb everything, hear too much, and become overwhelmed by days that are too “peopley”. My husband is a drummer, and he wanted a bit of land to build a soundproof structure to play and record his live drum kit in. He’s so good. I love watching him play. I joked (half seriously) that I could use his future studio as a scream room during a meltdown. You can laugh, its fine. I did when I imagined it.
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How y’all holding up? I hope you feel safe and loved, but if you don’t feel that way, I’m sending some love and hope for an easier tomorrow. If you want it, take it. (PEW, PEW! ✨🫵✨) Or you can fully scoff at my offer. No pressure.
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Me? I'm recovering. I had to “power down”. Be sad for a bit. Cry hard. Be quiet. Push mow the lawn. Eat right. Cut it out with the gluten. Drink enough water. Exert myself after 2 weeks of inflammatory pain and weirdness. Get a sunburn and let the freckles pop. Do some laundry. I don’t know about you, but I know I’m in a fragile emotional state when my closet looks like a maniac likes fashion but hates hangers.
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For context, this post is about how CHANGE, TRANSITIONS & LIFE MILESTONES impact me. Its different for all of us, obviously, and I never speak for others. I am, however, curious about the experiences of others, so please share if you feel safe doing so.
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I needed a break. A lot has happened over a month’s time. I pushed it too hard, of course.
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Every day is hard - at some point - or a whole day. Most days. All my life. But the worst part is the general lack of compassion, true understanding and support from others. I’m not referring to anyone in my life today, specifically, but there is a general lack of interest in learning about things that don’t impact one's life directly, I suppose. A lack of understanding cultivates confusion and disregard instead of empathy. Acceptance is not the same as genuine understanding.
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I lacked any support as a "normal looking", “gifted” kid, and it left me with some unique traumas. Not whining – it’s just the truth. I can 100% point to my late-diagnosed-autism, trauma history and ADHD for the overwhelm I experience in moments of “positive social or life-change stress” (overwhelm never hits immediately - it's typically delayed by hours or even a day) And if the stress is negative, watch out. It gets scary. My health really takes a hit. I'm sorry if you can relate. We don't talk about this enough.
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There’s a dangerous misperception that folks who are ASD 1 are just “quirky” and direct, and that we don’t suffer “enough” to be autistic. An autism Dad actually said this to me recently. And if you’re self-identified, that misperception, and the low likelihood that you will even ask (or maybe even know how to ask) for support is an even thicker barrier to meeting your needs and being treated with compassion instead of pity and annoyance. These days, you hear folks discouraging diagnosis for fear of being put on a list. That's understandable but its also sad. Feel free to drop your thoughts on that below if you feel compelled.
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Anyway - It feels childish and selfish to feel anything but joy when truly lovely things are happening in one’s life. It feels helpless to be rendered numb, sick, low-energy and limp when I want to feel exhilarated. I wish I could, but I’m unable to fake anything. I probably just look like a brat. Like a person who is never satisfied. Which would be a massive misjudgment. I want my life to last forever. I'm grateful every day. I just want a few “easy” days here and there, that’s all. To do all the things that interest me and not feel internally on fire. To be understood for who I actually am. Sometimes it feels like people assume that because I look “normal” I have no right to complain. I can tell when someone thinks I’m seeking attention. Do you relate to this?
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I recall being loudly mocked by a boss in front of a room full of colleagues when I discreetly expressed exhaustion to him. I was once asked (in a bullying tone) by an HR professional “How do you know I don’t have autism (while chuckling)”. People judge wellness and worthiness by what they see externally. By your ability to produce for them. You can never know how it feels to live the inner experience of another person. It requires you to tap into your empathy to the best of your ability. Cognitive empathy can lead to compassionate behavior just like emotional empathy can.
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I put everything into things I care about, and I wear myself out. I do it to myself, yes. But it's not something I can turn off (or even down) at will, like an “intensity dial”. It’s who I am. I don't know how to dilute myself. I don’t know how to be “less” or "more" on command.
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I will also confess, I felt myself about to type an "its really no big deal" type of disclaimer at the start of this post, but how I feel isn't nothing, and is worth talking about honestly. Big pushes of "high performance" can deplete a person who doesn’t know how to do anything halfway. Its almost always debilitating for me on the back end and I don't see it coming. This is where support matters. Where the education of loved ones matters. I needed rest, but that’s not what I did over these past three weeks or so. So here we are.
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I did what "normal" people do every day for a couple weeks until my body reminded me that breaking routine, ignoring or failing to check in with myself regarding how I'm feeling during stress, and taking more breaks than I *think* I need equates to a fool’s strategy (when you’re me).
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I'm sharing because you may relate, and we need compassionate connection with others who understand hidden disabilities and hidden support needs. Maybe someone will feel less alone. Maybe I’ll feel less alone.
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Thanks for sticking with me to the end, if you did.
-Alli 🩷
