09/14/2024
We all know there are people who deal with this commonly. And it’s a serious issue for many people these days. I am posting this to ask those on my friends list and those stalking my page, that this is what we need to refrain from doing and allowing. When you allow someone to act this way towards an ex, you give them psychological power that makes them worse. Please, if you’re one of the ones causing issues on our pages, stop and live your own life. We’ve already caught several just wanting to insert themselves in drama and those of you I haven’t found yet but I’m aware are still out there; please get a life away from my own. We’re happy. Here’s a tidbit of info that many of yall can relate to if you’re dealing with similar situations like we have.
“Signs you are co-parenting with a toxic ex include a parent’s failure to consider your child’s best interest, gaslighting, refusal to follow a schedule, putting your child in the middle, speaking negatively about you to the child, attempts to control your parenting time, lack of communication, hostility, and manipulation.
To cope with toxic co-parenting, put your child first. With every decision, ask yourself, is this what is best for my child?
Take care of your own needs when dealing with a toxic co-parent.
Model the co-parenting behavior you seek.
Have a support team in place.
Make sure your court order is detailed.
Maintain healthy boundaries.
Always think before you respond to your ex.
Focus your communication on parenting.
Consider using a co-parenting app.
Resort to parallel parenting if nothing else works.
Signs of Toxic Co-Parenting
If your co-parent is toxic, you are probably already aware that things are difficult based on your interactions with them. However, some warning signs to watch out for include:
They don’t put your child’s best interest first. Instead, your co-parent seems driven by what’s in it for them or how they can use a situation to hurt you.
They gaslight you. A toxic co-parent tries to psychologically manipulate you into believing you are unreasonable or have done something wrong when, in fact, they are the ones creating most of the problems. Sometimes, this results in you questioning your sanity.
They refuse to follow a schedule. A toxic co-parent often attempts to change the schedule to get more time with your child or ensure you get less time. Alternatively, they may not show up when they are supposed to or may arrive late, resulting in significant inconvenience for you.
They have a disregard for what the parenting order or agreement says for visitation. Some may even try to schedule family vacations during your time and tell the children about them.
They put your kids in the middle Instead of communicating with you directly, a toxic co-parent asks your child to be the intermediary and communicator. They may also talk to your child about your parenting relationship.
This can take lots of forms, including criticizing your parenting OR trying to get the child to take an adult role.
They talk negatively to your child about you. The goal of a toxic co-parent is to turn your child against you, creating emotional distance between you and your child. Sometimes, this manifests as full-blown parental alienation, particularly if your co-parent is a skilled manipulator.
They try to control what happens during your parenting time. A toxic co-parent often insists you implement rules or schedules that you do not believe to be in your child’s best interest. They follow up with critiques of how you parent or what you do with your child.
They don’t communicate about your child. A toxic co-parent withholds information about school, medical issues, scheduling, and other essential things to keep you out of the loop. They will pretend that they “accidentally” omitted you OR sometimes will claim that “you just don’t care.”
They make decisions without you. If you have joint legal custody and are supposed to make decisions together about your child, they may go ahead and try to decide and implement things without your input or consent.
While tie-breakers are incredibly important in decisions with a toxic co-parent, it is important to make sure your decree emphasizes both parents' role in decision-making.
They are hostile or abusive. A toxic co-parent frequently starts arguments, calls you names, treats you rudely, and does everything they can to show you how negatively they feel about you. Often, they will do this in front of the child or in public, making it awkward for you to defend yourself.
They are manipulative. A toxic co-parent may try to manipulate you to get what they want. They may also manipulate your child to get them to turn against you. Manipulation can be psychological, emotional, financial, social, and spiritual, so it is important to stay alert.
These are all signs that your ex is toxic and very likely impacts your ability to co-parent.”
If this sounds like you and makes you upset, you most likely are one of these people or are being treated badly by these people personally. It’s important to try and defuse things by picking your battles, but also important to keep meticulous records of these actions of these people. Many of you probably will comment and like this considering you’ve probably dealt with this exact same person. And it’s almost like you’re actually reading about your ex, or even yourself. If that’s the case and this sounds like your own behavior, please get professional help and try and let things go. Your life doesn’t have to revolve around terrorizing children and your ex. And children don’t need to be used as pawns or weapons against the other parent. It’s extraordinarily psychologically damaging to the children, ESPECIALLY at young ages.
I can admit I coparent with someone, and we pretty much despise each other. But all that listed above has stopped. It took a while, but I can say that my ex and I don’t use the children against each other and we know that would only hurt them. Instead, we say good things about each other. Even if it isn’t true, the kids should always think of their parents as the best versions of a role model. Otherwise, children grow to hate the parent that does the opposite. The research is sound and correct. And if you’re going through this and maybe even in a court situation, I suggest you recommend to the judge and lawyers or mediators that the other parent go through a therapy program about this. Even you can do it and benefit from it as well.
Nonetheless, please stop inserting into our lives. We’re happy. We have better things to do with our time right? Sorry for the long post. But I figured it needed to be said. Obsessiveness can make people do heinous things to each other and their own children. And if we are to parent our children right, we need to rise above this type of anger and shame.
Thank you!
