Firm Tree Counseling LLC

12/13/2025

12/06/2025

Yes, toxic relationships are difficult — but an often overlooked challenge is navigating a healthy relationship afterward.
Few people talk about the work involved in unlearning the maladaptive behaviors and coping strategies developed in response to past relational trauma.
It can be genuinely hard to retrain your nervous system, to challenge hypervigilance, and to remind yourself that the current relationship is safe, stable, and not a threat.

12/03/2025

11/20/2025

Think of Abraham—standing under a sky full of promises, yet feeling the weight of the void. His whisper, “Lord, what will You give me?” sounds so much like ours at times: “This isn’t how it was supposed to be.”

We hold faith in one hand and disappointment in the other, looking at the life we hoped for and the one we have, wondering how they grew so far apart. In the quiet, we ask, “Lord… is this really my story?”

But God isn’t hindered by our questions or tears. He meets us right in the ache. He reminds us that Abraham didn’t see the stars in his hands yet—but the promise was still alive.

Maybe the empty places in us are where His plans are quietly taking root.
Maybe what feels delayed is simply being prepared.

So here you are—
It wasn’t supposed to be this way…
but it also won’t stay this way.
The God who brought life out of barrenness can bring beauty out of this too.

11/20/2025

Research shows that many children learn to suppress their emotions not because they’re naturally calm, but because they were taught their feelings are “too much.”

They’re not stronger because they stay quiet.
They’re not braver because they hold it in.
They’re not “well-behaved” because they stop crying.

They’re hurting silently because the adults around them told them to.

Because here’s the truth:

When a child is told
“Stop crying.”
“Don’t be angry.”
“You’re fine.”
“Go to your room if you’re going to act like that,”

their brain isn’t learning emotional regulation.
It’s learning emotional suppression.

Their mind is learning:

“I’m not allowed to feel this.”
“My emotions make others uncomfortable.”
“I should deal with this alone.”
“Calm means hiding, not healing.”

And practicing that truth often looks like
tight shoulders, fake smiles, swallowed tears,
or a child who shuts down instead of opening up.

🧠 According to Gross & John (2003), suppressing emotions increases stress, decreases authentic regulation, and leads to poorer social and emotional functioning.
Emotion doesn’t disappear when buried; it leaks out later as anxiety, irritability, explosive anger, or numbness.

And neuroscience adds:

A child cannot regulate what they are forbidden to feel. When emotions are dismissed, the prefrontal cortex never learns the skills needed for calming, coping, or communicating.
Validation builds regulation.
Dismissal builds suppression.

This means:
Their tears are real. Their anger is real.
Their trembling is real.
Their need for expression is real.

And here’s the beautiful part:

Every time you say,
“I see you.”
“It’s okay to feel that.”
“I’m with you.”
“I’ll help you through it,”

you’re wiring their brain for emotional intelligence, empathy, resilience, and long-term mental health.

🧠 Research shows that naming and validating feelings activates neural pathways that support emotional regulation and decrease distress (Lieberman et al., 2007).

But when we confuse emotional expression with disobedience, we teach children to fear their inner world instead of understanding it.

Why does this matter?

Because the voice they hear from you today becomes the voice they use on themselves tomorrow.

Will that voice say:

“Stop it. You’re too much. Hide it.”

Or will it say:

“It’s okay to feel. Let’s breathe. You’re safe.”

Healthy emotional regulation doesn’t come from shutting emotions down. It comes from being guided through them.

So instead of:

“Stop crying.”

Try:

→ “You’re upset. I’m here.”
→ “Your feelings make sense.”
→ “Let’s figure this out together.”
→ “It’s safe to feel what you feel.”

You’re not raising a child who fears their emotions. You’re raising a child who can navigate them.

One named feeling, one safe moment,
one compassionate response at a time. 🤍

References:
• Gross, J. J., & John, O. P. (2003). Individual differences in two emotion regulation processes: Implications for affect, relationships, and well-being.
• Lieberman, M. D., et al. (2007). Putting feelings into words: Affect labeling disrupts amygdala activity.

11/16/2025

Sometimes childhood trauma didn’t make you stronger.
It made you a people-pleaser.
It made it nearly impossible for you to walk away, even when you should.
It made you exhaustingly empathetic, carrying emotions that were never yours.
It made you feel responsible for fixing problems you didn’t create.
It made your emotions come only in extremes—too much or nothing at all.

11/16/2025

Research shows that the reason why kids hit when they feel overwhelmed isn’t because they’re mean, aggressive, or out of control; it’s because their fight–flight system activates faster than their reasoning brain can catch up.

They’re not choosing violence.
They’re drowning in emotion.
Their body reacts before their words are ready.

Because here’s the truth:

In childhood, hitting isn’t cruelty.
It’s dysregulation.

Their brain is learning:
“I don’t know how to say I’m overwhelmed.”
“My feelings feel too big.”
“My body is acting for me.”
“I want help but I can’t ask for it yet.”

And practicing that truth often looks like
hitting when another child takes a toy,
swatting at a parent when overstimulated,
pushing when anxious, or melting down so fast they don’t even know why they did it.

🧠 Neuroscience shows that for young children, the amygdala (emotion center) fires faster and stronger than the developing prefrontal cortex, the part that manages impulse control and logic (Casey et al., 2005; Schore, 2015).

This isn’t disrespect. It’s wiring.

And here’s what that means:
Their panic is real. Their overwhelm is real.
Their impulse is real. Their “I don’t know why I did that” is often the truth.

Kids hit because:

• fight–flight activates
• words disappear under stress
• sensory overload erupts
• frustration exceeds capacity
• they haven’t built coping skills yet

Hitting is not communication;
it’s the collapse before communication.

Every time a child hits, they’re signaling:
“My nervous system is flooded. Help me find my calm.”

🧠 Research shows that children learn impulse control through co-regulation, not punishment; calm adults help wire the child’s brain for emotional management (Feldman, 2012; Siegel & Bryson, 2011).

Why does this matter?

Because the child who hits today
is the adult who will one day:

pause before reacting,
use words instead of impulses,
regulate through skills you’ve taught them,
and manage conflict with empathy;
if they’re guided, not shamed.

Hitting isn’t defiance. It’s a distress signal.

So instead of reacting with fear or anger, we can guide with steadiness:

→ “Your body is having a big feeling. I won’t let you hit.”
→ “You’re overwhelmed; let’s breathe together.”
→ “Your hands are not for hurting. Try this instead.”
→ Teach alternatives: squeezing a pillow, asking for space, using words.

You’re not excusing the behavior.
You’re decoding it.

You’re not raising a “hitter.”
You’re raising a child learning self-regulation,
one wave of overwhelm at a time. 🤍

References:
• Casey, B. J. et al. (2005). The developing prefrontal cortex and impulse control.
• Schore, A. (2015). Affect regulation and the developing brain.
• Feldman, R. (2012). Co-regulation and emotional development.
• Siegel, D. & Bryson, T. (2011). The Whole-Brain Child.

11/16/2025

❤️❤️❤️