02/28/2026
Dear Diary,
It’s been bloody hell of late during my unfortunate incarceration. An absolute parade of miseries has befallen me. Tragedies of Shakespearean proportions! Where to begin?
I suppose I could start with the Flying Demon. No longer do I have peace and quiet while surveying my kingdom, the Peasant has procured a mechanical devil.
It whizzed.
It hovered.
It stared.
I felt my soul leave my body as its unblinking eye froze me in place, my life essence evaporating faster than a fart in a dust storm. It was like a swarm of Balrogs descended from Middle-earth, bringing hellfire and damnation upon me!
Fearing for my life at the maw of this maniacal mechanical beast, I sought sanctuary behind the Sacred Tree of Nope.
It pursued me, the whizzes growing louder. I closed my eyes, preparing to meet my maker, the Big JC — Jaded Cat. The Peasant says that’s not what “JC” stands for but I digress.
Thankfully, the Mangy Mutt named Charlotte intervened at the last moment, leaping into the air, attempting to eat it. With lightning-quick moves, it shot up into the sky and returned to the Evil Peasant from which it came. This alone proves the Evil Peasant is indeed a witch, conjuring spells and commanding flying demons. A worthy adversary, she is.
I have yet to see it again, but rest assured if I do, I have secured an agreement with the Mangy Mutt for absolute and total destruction if it whizzes too closely.
What could be worse than a Flying Demon, you ask? Try wearing a Wonder Woman outfit, being pi**ed off the Peasant made you wear it, then jumping the fence and parading around the neighborhood because you can’t remember which house is yours.
Do you have any idea the comments hurled at me by my former paramours?!
“Oooh, baby! Throw that lasso my way!”
“I ‘wonder’ what’s under the spandex?!”
I thought about staying out all night just so the Peasant would panic and have to make a post in the local Lost Pets group. I chuckle when I think of the words and her chagrin at writing them:
“Lost: Small Calico cat wearing a Wonder Woman outfit with red cape…”
Alas, it was Mixed Seafood Trio night at the chow hall, so I returned to my dungeon… and a change of clothes.
Do the unimaginable horrors stop there? Of course not! The Peasant left for the day and later returned with ANOTHER MANGY MUTT! Only this one was like a mighty colossus compared to the others.
Black as night, he looked at me and I stared at him. Not a muscle twitched, nor whisker moved. He then hiked his leg and nonchalantly peed on my head!!!
Disgusted, I ran to the Sacred Tree of Nope and furiously began cleaning my fur!
As the days passed, I observed this Black Hellhound. The other Mutts gave him a wide berth, deferring to his obvious stature and gravitas. An idea began to manifest in my mind and one day, as the Beast walked through the yard, I fell in step with him.
He glanced over and I began whispering my idea. He stopped his patrol and stared at me with those baleful eyes, finally nodding in agreement.
We parted ways and I went back to my throne near the tree, pleased at thinking of such a magnificent idea.
What might it be, you ask? Please meet the Black Hellhound… the Colossus Beast… the Queen’s Royal Guard: Knight of the Feline Table, Buddy Threadgoode Jr.
Close proximity to a mangy mutt protecting my person is, I suppose, preferable to him peeing on my head. After all, one must make the best of one’s captivity in this cold, cruel world.
Until next time…
Yours in unending woe,
Calliope Jane Purrington
Unfairly Incarcerated
