05/04/2026
“Breaking News!”: A Love Story
Once upon a time a few weeks ago, you got tired of all the bu****it fake news from unscrupulous propagandists and inane podcasters, and you made a pledge to only get your bu****it fake news from the sources you can trust; such as lego mini-figures, professional satirists and struggling freelance snark artists, or us here at LotusWorks your trusted, local state-licensed we3d dealer.
This was an auspicious decision because our dear, intelligent, courageous, witty, good-looking and generous friends have gifted us a stack of their current glorious print-edition newspaper to give away to our 50 coolest customers that remember to ask for one. That’s right, you can be the proud owner of a real pressed wood-pulp foldable newspaper, with fonts and pictures and everything!
Now you can finally prove to your friends that you are literate, and impress strangers by being a sophisticated adult (21+) who reads a real newspaper, perhaps on the train or while sitting confidently on a park bench. Maybe you want to carry a briefcase or valise to keep your paper in, so it stays nice and crisp for when you pop it open with a slight flourish.
Then you can casually glance down at your numberless adult-style watch, and remember with a start that the short one is the hour hand, and you have definitely used up your whole lunch break reading your paper, and now you have to quickly fold up your paper, carefully place it into your briefcase (or valise), and briskly fast-walk your sophisticated ass back to work.
But you can’t do any of that cool stuff if you don’t have a real made-from-a-tree newspaper filled with humorous half-truths and delightful nonsense, which provide such an enjoyable distraction from a dreary existence that you lose track of time and are late getting back from lunch yet again, and because it’s happened so many times before you get fired this time.
The upside is that now you have a lot more time to sit on a park bench reading your beloved print-edition newspaper and smoking delicious legalized we3d, both of which you got from us at LotusWorks.
And you lived happily ever after.
The End.
