07/20/2024
I know many people in the Bennington/Pownal community are concerned about what and how to say to their children at this terribly heartbreaking time, here are some ideas:
When Children Experience Death
Possible Emotional Responses ... -Sadness or depression -Confusion (about why adults are upset, location of deceased, what is going on) -Feeling abandoned/deserted *left behind by loved one *others not emotionally able to provide usual care or emotional support -Loneliness -Anxiety or Panic *Separation Anxiety *Worry about impact or change *Panic about own health: "I have a bump. Is it cancer? I'm going to die, too!" -Guilt or responsibility taking -Anger
Possible Behavioral Responses ... -Crying or pouting -Rapid shifts between crying/withdrawal and laughing/playing/active participation -Regression (thumb sucking, baby talk, etc.) -Aggression (Among children experiencing a significant Joss, 1/4-1/3 engage in unprovoked violence. Bolby, 1980) -Overactive or high energy "Busy Bee" -Asks many questions [Adults misinterpret matter-of-fact questions, "Will Granny be cold under ground?, as weird or morbid. These questions are normal for young children coming to terms with death.] -Frequently brings up deceased -Refuses to discuss deceased -Sleep disturbances: insomnia refuses to sleep or go to bed, early morning awakening -Becomes overly self-reliant -Displays care taking behaviors.
Possible Cognitive Responses ... -Varying levels of understanding according to age... *older children generally personify death as bogey man, grim reaper, or ghost *5 and under: death is not final, no understanding of causes or "forever," expect dead to come back to life, view death as sleeping *5-9: accept that the person has died, do not accept that death will happen to everyone, may ask what "dead" is -Curiosity about death or deceased experiences (Is she hungry? Where is Boomer?) -Takes Responsibility: Cause and Effect Punishment Relationship: "Something bad has happened to me, so I must have done something bad to deserve it." Magical Voodoo Thinking: "I wished my sister would go away and now she's dead. I did it."
Possible Social Responses ... -Need to feel included>may demand to play with others or have teacher's time -Takes on a care taking role> makes self indispensable
Helping Children Adjust to Death
* Help the child feel secure. -Remind the child he/she is loved and liked. -Provide a special stuffed toy for company. -Maintain stability ... require the child to follow classroom as always. -Give some extra attention.
* Be available. -Let the child know that you know someone died. -Answer the child's questions. Be sure you understand exactly what they want to know. -Discuss what the child is feeling and has been told with family members.
* Acknowledge and validate the child's expression of feelings. -Allow the child to grieve. Do NOT distract him/her from sadness or painful feelings. -Validate and express your own feelings: "I felt sad for you when I heard your dog died." -Normalize the wide range of emotions the child may feel. "All of your feelings are ok." -Be empathetic, but NEVER ASSUME YOU KNOW HOW A GRIEVING PERSON IS FEELING. -Suggest methods for expressing feelings (art, dramatic play, physical activity). -Let the child know that some days/he will feel better. -Read books about feelings.
* Help the child address feelings of guilt. -Explain that s/he did not cause death. -Correct "Voodoo Thinking": Wishing someone harm or dead does not make them die.
* Help the child remember his/her loved one. -Draw a picture or write a story about the deceased. -Remember together the good times the child had with the deceased. -Encourage adults to give the child something that belonged to the deceased.
* Let the child know what to expect. -Explain what will happen at the funeral or wake (take family's religion into account).
* Avoid using euphemisms like "passed on" or "went to sleep." -These are easily misinterpreted by children who frequently take words literally.
* Before the student returns to class, let other students know. -Explain the situation as honestly as possible. -Make it clear that it is not appropriate to tease about death or loss. -Offer suggestions on how the children might be able to help.
* Whenever possible, provide children with death education. -If a class pet dies, discuss this, and create a memorial service. -Include death in your description of the life cycle. -Occasionally point out dead bugs and plants on nature walks. -Read books in which characters die or have died. -If children mention a well-known figure who has died, discuss their thoughts/feelings.
