11/05/2024
This moment in time/history šā¤ļøā¤ļøāš©¹
HOLDING VIGIL
Alison Luterman
My cousin asks if I can describe this moment,
the heaviness of it, like sitting outside
the operating room while someone you love
is in surgery and youāre on those awful plastic chairs
eating flaming Doritos from the vending machine
which is the only thing that seems appealing to you, dinner-wise,
waiting for the moment when the doctor will come out
in her scrubs and face-mask, which sheāll pull down
to tell you whether your beloved will live or not. Thatās how it feels
as the hours tick by, and everyone I care about
is texting me with the same cold lump of dread in their throat
asking if Iām okay, telling me how scared they are.
I suppose in that way this is a moment of unity,
the fact that we are all waiting in the same
hospital corridor, for the same patient, who is on life support,
and weāre asking each other, Will he wake up?
Will she be herself? And weāre taking turns holding vigil,
as families do, and bringing each other coffee
from the cafeteria, and some of us think sheās gonna make it
while others are already planning what theyāll wear to the funeral,
which is also what happens at times like these,
and I tell my cousin I donāt think I can describe this moment,
heavier than plutonium, but on the other hand,
in the grand scheme of things, I mean the whole sweep
of human history, a soap bubble, because empires
are always rising and falling, and whole civilizations
die, they do, they get wiped out, this happens
all the time, itās just a shock when it happens to your civilization,
your country, when itās someone from your family on the respirator,
and I donāt ask her how sheās sleeping, or what she thinks about
when she wakes at three in the morning,
cause sheās got two daughters, and thatās the thing,
itās not just us older people, forget about us, we had our day
and we burned right through it, gasoline, fast food,
cheap clothing, but right now Iām talking about the babies,
and not just the human ones, but also the turtles and owls
and white tigers, the Redwoods, the ozone layer,
the icebergs for the love of Godāevery single
blessed being on the face of this earth
is holding its breath in this moment,
and if youāre asking, can I describe that, Cousin,
then Iāve gotta say no, no one could describe it
we all just have to live through it,
holding each otherās hands.