02/18/2026
Somehow, in one lifetime, I have lived 2 different lives. At least that's how it feels.
Quitting drinking was the catalyst that changed my life...very gradually, but significantly. It created my "before" and "after".
When you quit numbing, you are faced with your reality, and that can be incredibly painful, but let's face it...if you are actively and consistently numbing yourself, you are already in a good deal of pain.
My life never felt like it fit me. So many of my choices were made by other people. One so incomprehensible that I shut it out of my memory while it continued to touch every aspect of my life. In the "before" version of my life, I was easily manipulated and controlled. I settled for the path of least resistance because it felt safer. But it meant I was living someone else's life.
When you are not living authentically, your mind, body, and soul know it. They shout at you constantly...in the pain you feel in your body, in the exhaustion, in the depression, in the self-criticism and self-loathing. In the tenuous relationships. In the wish for salvation.
I was thoroughly overwhelmed by life, stressed out, and barely surviving from one day to the next. I was in chronic pain. The feeling of wanting to crawl out of my skin said it all. I literally wanted to escape my body.
I quit drinking, and it all came to a head.
The gifts of clarity and self-awareness (not to be confused with your inner critic) allow for a path of self-discovery, should you decide to take it. I started to peel back layer after layer of muck and connect with who I truly was. I danced with my shadows (both light and dark). I lingered, sometimes almost too long, in the dark. I self-isolated, I sank, and I rose time and again. Each time with a new level of clarity. It wasn't pretty, but it was necessary if I wanted a life that was mine.
I continue to dig myself out; the healing journey is a spiral, after all, but my "after" is a life I have built. My choices. My preferences. My consequences, good or bad.
These past 6 years have been a new kind of difficult. Really hard to go through, but creating something beautifully wild and uniquely mine.