04/10/2024
This past weekend I took a trip to the Warm Spring Pools in Bath County, Va. It was meant to be a cute little get away to celebrate a friend's birthday but little did I know what life had in store for me.
Floating in the 98.6° thermal waters packed with minerals surrounded by women in the ladies bath house was exactly what my nervous system had been craving. We didn't speak, much. And when we did it wasn't very loud or for very long. Most of us didn't know one another. Some of us wore bathing suits, some of us wore partial suits, and others went n**e. We all moved with kindness, respect, and gentle consideration for one another.
Tranquility was the motto of the bath houses, literally. And on the second day of visiting I was able to begin to surrender.
I laid floating in the pool, contemplating the Earth energy these waters bubbled out of her crust with. I decided I wanted to open to receive all that I could from the Earth and the water. Not just my skin, my bones, my joints, my body...but in my energy body and my spirit too. As the longing to receive moved me I realized that I needed to really relax to connect.
This was when I became aware of just how much tension I have been holding. I mean, my body was literally holding. Holding back. Holding back so much frozen panic and fear. Holding in sadness and grief. Holding to keep me upright. Holding to keep me moving forward. Holding to protect me.
I was finally able to be with this visceral panic as I floated in the warm spring surrounded by women giving my body permission to register safety and relaxation in the field of connection and sisterhood grounded by the waters of Mother Earth.
Slowly moving through my body, pausing to honor and listen to the contractions within -both emotional and physical- letting my eyes, teeth, and jaw relax, letting my arms open wide to bravely open my heart, letting my core spasm, my legs shake, my shoulders shake, the emotions and the thoughts come and go...
It was in this experience I realized just how much I have been carrying and that I am ready to put down what I can. To share it. That it is not only mine to carry alone and that it is perfectly fine to show up imperfect here in this space.
As a facilitator, as a seeker, as a mystic, as a guide, as a lover, as a friend, as a daughter, as a woman...
My journey with grief began young. At some point, I guess I thought I had moved through the pain of the losses I faced as a child. The last year has deeply humbled me.
An amazing woman who was like a best friend and mother all in one, who took me in as family, accepted me wholly, blessed me with her son, prayed on our behalf, and connected with me spiritually, really saw me, lost an arduous battle for her earthly life.
This was, and is, a very difficult time for all of us as anyone who has seen what end of life care looks like might know. Which ultimately ends in loss.
In the midst of her fight for her life, my father's medical conditions also worsened. He had several hospitalizations, surgeries, and a few ICU stays throughout all of 2023. All of which left us navigating a new normal.
Then in September my uncle passed away.
And in November, just a few days before my birthday, my aunt passed.
Both of whom were significant and close relationships I cherished.
It was then, in November, that I decided I had had enough. I sent out a letter to the group I was facilitating and I quit.
I needed some space.
I quit practicing daily.
I just wanted to be. To just be alive. To just do whatever, whenever, as much as I could. Including just staying home and taking naps or watching movies with my partner or my puppy or both. Spending time with loved ones. Tending to my plants. Tending to my home. Tending to me.
Somewhat pleasure seeking and pain avoidant.
I did not want to dig at the panic, the fear, the pain, the sadness. I didn't necessarily want to avoid it, and when it arose naturally I would surrender to it however in no way was I ready to mine it for the gems I know it holds.
I'm still not sure I'm ready, or even able, to fully feel all that I've been holding at once or in quick procession...
And I am ready to be transparent with the process that I am in.
And though most of the women in the warm springs may never know it directly, that day was exactly what I needed, and they were an integral part of that. Along with the rocks that were at my feet and the waters that held me.
♡
